Raw

Posted: September 23, 2006 at 7:11 pm

I spent most of today fighting off tears. Tears because of Peter, Daisy and Phil, because of the whole “can’t have a bath or do laundry” thing, tears because relationships are so very complicated and so absolutely precious. I did cry when Chris gave me the gift to the bunnies from her and Deb, most people do not care about little homeless rabbits, but they do. I felt the tears coming 3 more times on the phone with Leila tonight, our discussion about that lobster that I ate and wished I didn’t, Peter’s ultimate outcome, and believe it or not, that I might have to stop eating chocoate and sugar because someone can’t pay people a decent wage to harvest it. I told Leila about the Premarin horses, and now I can once again see them standing in their stalls with the cathetors and the dead foals and i want to cry some more.

I don’t know why I feel so raw right now and i don’t know why I am indulging myself in a spiraling vortex of powerlessness. All I know is I find myself filling with hopelessness in the infinite sadness of a world that at every bend and turn, never changes. I am bone tired of everything being so very difficult and requiring so much constant work and effort. And the more I list the things that are dragging me down, the heavier they seem. Ed is not here to remind me to keep my eye on the happy bouncing ball, and I guess I miss that little bugger too.

Tomorrow we are going to make a beer garden in the back yard, we are going to have a picnic, and eat the rest of the brownies. I am going to let all the dogs join us and Jazz is going to make me laugh again when she steals my food. And hopefully with the new week, the rain will come again and my faith in tomorrow may come back to where it belongs.

16 Comments on "Raw"

  • nicole says

    while we can’t change the world, we can change the world of one animal.
    you have done that for countless animals. Many people would/could have looked at both Honey and Ozzie and seen hopelessness, but right I have two amazing and precious dogs lying on my floor right now, because of you. You helped changed their worlds.

  • Jean says

    Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, author of “On Death and Dying”, once said:
    “Learn to get in touch with the silence within yourself, and know that everything in life has purpose. There are no mistakes, no coincidences; all events are blessing given to us to learn from.”

    And although I don’t know who said it, once of my favourite quotes in times of trouble is:
    “I believe that friends are quiet angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly.”

    You have many friends – of many species – to help lift you to your feet when troubles overwhelm you. The rains will come and replenish the well for the next 8 months or more, we will see little successes with the critters we love, and if we search hard enough we will see that one by one by one people are changing the world – and most of them changing it for the better.
    Hang in there. (((((hugs))))))

  • Carol says

    they are lying on your floor because you took them home (and you don’t even have lino like i do!)…i gave them a safe stopping ground while they waited, you are trying to give them a home. and by the way i meant to tell you nicole, that if this doesn’t work for whatever reason, you still give them a heart that is special just for them…even when they are here, they know you are theirs. so don’t sweat this, whatever happens, they are far happier since you came into their lives…here or there is just location. as long as you are part of where they are, they will be happy. (they just like the days you are around on better, if it doesn’t work, maybe you could move to mission??)

  • Julie says

    You give so much of your self Carol, to the patients whose fears you calm, to the frightened children who slowly realise that your Love is thier haven. Finding ways to replenish your soul is just as important as the Love so freely given. A bit overwhelmed right now, you are a good woman with many friends who love you and are here to catch you if you feel yourself falling.

  • Rae says

    If I had known that the day after the Garage Sale was a Beer Garden Day I would’ve planned my trip there a little differently. I guess next time I had better check the whole weekend agenda!!
    I agree with what Nicole said, we have to take it one day at a time and one animal at a time(or in your case dozens)otherwise it seems totally overwhelming and increasingly impossible to make a difference. But please know Carol you do make a difference and because of you, Saints, and all of your wonderful volunteers so many animals have a chance. And if one person who came to your Garage Sale today absorbed some of that knowledge and caring it’ll be carried forward and continue to touch the lives of other animals in need away from Saints. Chin up and have a Brownie and a Beer for me!!! It was great seeing everyone and being there to help although I did little. Next time I plan on visiting on a less hectic day, when there is water in your well so you don’t have to go away to do your laundry!!

    P.S. Thank you ,Thank you, again Nicole for catching Calli and for the other people who helped as well!!!

  • Chris says

    Carol you do so much for so many and the world is definitely a better place because of it. I can only hope to do a fraction of what you have done for the world. While it may seem small to some, it means the world to those you have helped – furry and human. And even those who have had their day brightened by simply reading your posts. I count myself lucky to have met you and all the Saints and to have learned from and enjoyed all of your posts over the years.
    I have been thinking about your rabbits for a few days now and wonder if you need an extra x-pen. I have a lovely 2 foot high one with 8 panels that I am not using and you are welcome to. I even picked up some rabbit things on my lunch break yesterday (it was going to be another surprise package) and will get them sent off next week along with some more towels and maybe a Bailey’s bottle or two. 🙂
    Let me know if you want the x-pen and we’ll figure out how to get it to you.
    Sending hugs and well wishes.

  • Carol says

    mo convinced me today to start with xpens in the new rabbit area til we are sure how we want to lay it out permanently, so if we could borrow your xpen, that would be great. baileys in hot chocolate is my second favorite way to warm myself up on a cold evening (a hot bath being the first, maybe soon i can do both!!!!)

  • Chris says

    Excellent! I’ll email you off board to come up with a plan to send it. 🙂

  • Diane says

    Carol…..I can’t keep off this site! I am what we call “obsessed” where I work. I have been reading every post and reply since your blog started in August and some bring tears and some bring such giggles! You have such a heart of gold, second to none. I wish I could do something for you and SAINTS but that is impossible from here. The guilt I feel for not being able to take Pippa is really overwhelming when I read of your life and how giving you are. She is only one who is incontinent and you have so many. I couldn’t do it for one and you can do it for so many.

    My heart goes out to you tonight when I read about your thoughts and your worries about the animals, if they are happy, will it work out, when can you shower again, when will the well be fixed, etc., etc. My problems seem so minor in comparison to what you go through every day. I wish I could be there to give you a hug and a brownie or pizza or a hand with your animals. You are like an Angel to me and I cannot get the memory out of my mind of the Haven you have for your animals. Even the sweaters and jackets a lot of them wear…..how much love have you got? YOU think of everything for those dear old souls.

    Here’s wishing you a good sleep and a shower tomorrow. So much we take for granted in life, eh?

    Hugs – Diane

  • Sheila says

    Here’s a story that will make you happy Carol.

    … Luke went swimming today and pooped in the pool
    and then got out and did the biggest dump outside. It took four of us to clean it up.

    See its funny because you didn’t have to clean it up.

  • Carol says

    lol…see that made me laugh twice, once cuz he did it and twice cuz i got you to post it for the whole world to see…i feel better already!

    thx diane, don’t pay too much attention to my bad days, someone like luke will poop in a million dollar therapy pool and i will feel good just cuz he got the chance to do that!

  • Deb says

    As soon as we move, you can come to our house for long bubble baths any time, Carol. I’ll make sure there is always a nice, soft, fluffy towel, a basket of lovely smelling add-ins, and a bottle of Bailey’s.

  • Carol says

    i wonder how many days i can hide out at your house before jean figures out where i am and hauls me home again….if phoebe is being a pain, it might only be a matter of hours.

  • Lisa says

    Something that unites people who care for rescue animals, however far away they may live, is the occasional feeling of helplessness; that however hard we try, sometimes we fail or only partially succeed; that however many we rescue, there are so many more….

    I can tell you only one thing, dear Carol, that when I was privileged to come and help at Saints, I was aware of such Love….

    The children are very special, for all their endearing little puddles and landmines. They have learned to love and trust people for the main part, so that they would even accept and love a stranger with a funny accent. You have given them that Carol! They are happy and secure in the home you have provided!

    Do not let things drag you down as I know they must from time to time, what you are doing is wonderful and when the well fills and you can enjoy your baileys in the hot tub it will seem much, much better.

    With Love from England, lisa

  • Jean says

    Carol, you won’t be able to hide out at Deb’s very long because I’ll be there pounding on the bathroom door for my turn — I may have a tank, but the water is still limited (and I sure hope they can deliver tomorrow ‘cuz I just realized the well is dry again and the tank only has a very little way to go before it will be below the outlet).
    And there is no friggin way I’m looking after Phoebe while you soak in a bubble bath – you can take her with you, I’m sure they wouldn’t notice once more dog in their crew.

  • Chris Thomas says

    Trust me!! We would notice Phoebe…even though we really like her!!!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *