And since I am feeling maudlin today and feel the need to wallow in self pity…

Posted: October 16, 2006 at 7:57 pm

here i go and please forgive me for the selfish indulgence.

any endeavor that requires a great deal of effort, requires a great deal of effort, and rescue is no different. what stuns me sometimes is the difficulty of it all, at times. the bone grinding exhaustion and the burdens of loss, worry, fear, guilt and responsibility is expected. it is the simple things that bring you to your knees, that hit you when you aren’t looking, that suck your strength right out of you.

sometimes it is the premediated unkindness of others, sometimes it is human thoughtlessness, sometimes it is simple human nature. the inborn tendency that we have to think that there are simple answers to complex questions and outside viewing gives a realistic perspective. the “if only you just do this…” and all will be well. or “if you did it my way, it would be easier.” i have to bite my tongue not to ask…”how do they know this since they don’t do this?” but that would be unkind.

someone mentioned to me the other day that Spritely could be cured, there were testimonials of other horses with the same problem, and they were cured. I have been down this road so many times desperately seeking the magic cure in a bottle, from herbals to immune impregnated eggs, to noni juice, to homeopathics. It took me a long time to learn that if in fact there was any miracle cure in a bottle, everyone on earth would be using it. but still, at a time when i am freaking over the continued soreness in spritely’s leg, the doubt begins, should i or shouldn’t i? there are other more realistic and proven medical treatments i still want to try, like long term tetracycline. but what if i don’t try what i don’t believe in, and we lose her, how will i feel then?

And the barn tonight, which brought me to tears and then a moment later brought me to my knees in fear. first trying to squeeze just another couple of buckets of water from well, and rain barrel so they all can have enough to drink thru the night. their impatience to get into the barn as I told them to wait, let me get this done. and then suddenly, the explosion of a dozen shooting fireworks across the field, right over their heads and the panic as they all ran in fear into the dark. oh god, Spritely’s leg, what if Gideon fell, and i couldn’t see any of them or where they had gone. I yelled at the kids to please wait, let me get the horses into the barn, and the kids shouted back “sorry” and moved further down the road towards the school to set them off. closer to the dogs, closer to my neighbors horses out in their field. closer to that rabbit still loose in the school yard.

there is a not very nice person that i once encountered who’s simplistic answer to overwhelmed rescuers was, “if you can’t look after the ones you have, you have too many” a simple answer, but what if you can look after them on most days. but some days you are weak, or sore, or tired and some days there are firecrackers flying thru the sky, and somedays there is no water, or a huge, unexpected vet bill and no money, or numerous deaths in a short period of time, or really hard, emotional days at work, or a conflict with a friend or family member. what if on some days everything goes wrong or nothing goes right. what if on those days you have too many but on most days you have just the right amount. and how do you say on the good days, you cannot come here and we will not help you just because tomoorw might be hard?

it is the doubt that sucks me dry and it is fear that sometimes paralyzes me, and it is the burden of their well being and happiness that torments me. it is the expectations of myself and others that brings me low and days like today, simply suck.

ok, i am done, thx.

 

14 Comments on "And since I am feeling maudlin today and feel the need to wallow in self pity…"

  • Deb says

    There is no need for you to apologize for being a mere human once in a while, Carol.

    I don’t know, and have never known anyone else like you. If being basically soley responsible for an end-of-life Sanctuary for pretty much any breed of animal was easy, everyone would be doing it. Yours is a huge and heavy burden, and you bear it with grace, but hell, I don’t know how you keep your sanity on the best of days.

    I have no answers for you, no way to ease your fears or take away your pain. The past few months have been excedingly difficult for you, but you soldier on (part of it must be your Anglican work-ethic genes)and get the job done. Except that it’s not a job for you, it’s a calling, and I believe SAINTS is as much a part of you as your skin, your heart, your very DNA. That’s why you can be ground into powder and still carry on, day in, day out.

    I wish I had some witty, or better yet, profound magical words that could make you feel as good as I want you to feel; about yourself, about SAINTS, about your career, your family, the world, but I don’t. What I do have is tremendous admiration, respect and affection for you, my one-of-a-kind friend.

  • Jean says

    On days like that, you grit your teeth and slog on and ignore the critics and close your eyes while you remember the funny moments, the precious moments, the peaceful moments, and all the times you made the right decisions even when plagued with doubts. And you remind yourself of the very words you told me when I reached the end of my rope a short while ago: “This too shall pass”.
    Sometimes people with just one dog or one cat or one lame horse feel like they have too much on their plate and can’t handle it – as many of the SAINTS critters can testify. So if you sometimes feel, on a bad day, that maybe the number of critters for which you are responsible is overwhelming, …well, you are more than entitled to resort to a little self-pity, fear, misplaced guilt, and tears. Because 99% of the time, Carol, you know that it IS manageable and that Saints is doing what Saints needs to do, and best of all that your dream is being realized. And more magical, funny, amazing moments are just around the corner to help bring everything back into equilibrium again.
    (((((hugs)))))))

  • Diane says

    Carol, I read your blogs daily and some days it brings tears to my eyes and some days I laugh at the animals you describe so well. But daily I praise you for the job you do for each one of your furbabies. I couldn’t do it for one ~ Pippa ~ and you do it for so many. The guilt I feel when I read what you have done for so many and I could not do for one is tremendous! Don’t believe “if you can’t look after the ones you have, you have too many” ~ YOU DO LOOK AFTER THE ONES YOU HAVE and DO A WONDERFUL JOB AT IT! I wish daily that I could be there to help out as a volunteer to ease your burden. I hope Pippa is keeping out of mischief ~ she’ll be in my heart forever and you and SAINTS will be too…..

  • liz says

    Oh Carol, hugs to you. I don’t know what more to say, except bless that huge heart of yours.
    liz

  • Chris says

    Carol, I just want to say that I think you are the most amazing person I have ever met. If I had to pick a hero, it would be you.
    I know you’ve had a rough couple of months and I truly wish I could say something wise to make it all better. But you’ll just have to settle for a big cyber hug and all the healing energy I can muster from here.

  • Carol says

    i always feel uncomfortable with too much kindness. and i always feel even more uncomfortable with certain labels, like hero, saint and angel. because i will tell you, those labels do not fit me and never will.
    i am a basically good person and a mostly kind person and an amazingly flawed, sadistically honest and very stubborn person with a very poor memory and i happen to deeply love animals of all species, esp. old and wrecked ones. and that sums me up alot more accurately.
    so kindly knock it off or i won’t tell you when i am sad anymore.

  • Jean says

    Goof! Okay, we’ll just tell you to suck it up and get back to mopping up that puddle that one of the old and wrecked ones probably just left on your floor! 🙂

  • Carol says

    that’s the way to handle me, i am way more comfortable with that! AND i can occasionally continue to spew forth self pity in safety too!

  • Carol says

    OMG!!! i just realized i am turning into my daughter who i am continually accusing of script writing for the rest of the world to meet her terms…what an epiphany, (and not such a bad idea after all)

  • Janice says

    I stopped at the pumkin patch on the way home last week. I aksed waht they did with there irregulare pumkins as i would of bought a truck laod. I explained who i was and what i did and they told me to come back atthe end of the season and they would sell me a truck laod for 50.00. I thought even that was high.. it ws as i ws turning to go the man looked at me at said “i ahve an idea for your rescue” I gullable asked waht? He siad” put a bullet beteeen there forheads” . I stood immobiliezed for a few seconds trying to comprehend his cruelness and looked at him in shock. I replied” that is how i feel about msot of the people who get them” knowing they have pigs there or do they and did they shoot them in the head ..i got in my truck and left. It wasn’t until i got home and told some one about did i afford my self a break down and cry for them.. cry for my pigs ..pigs everywhere.

  • liz says

    That is disgusting Janice, its people like that, that make you hate humans. Even if that is how he felt, he didn’t have to say it.
    Hugs..
    liz

  • Carol says

    they say you have to see the darkness to feel the light…you saw that man, but you see Rose even more…and i’d rather be Rose than him anyday…don’t buy his pumkins.

  • Janice says

    And the hatred to see the love I just wish we would see the love more often.

    Speaking of love thanks both to Mo for her gift of feed and Carol for Ermas meds yesterday . Smooches to both of you!!

    Now can some one please find an excellant pig home for an inside pig before the 26th of this month?

  • Carol says

    i will post it at the top.

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