the magic mirror.

Posted: January 28, 2007 at 8:43 pm

jean gave me the current barn roster for this week and next. it is a bit eye opening to see 21 slots for am/pm feed/meds plus stall cleaning that 19 of which used to have my name attached (but then we didn’t have a written roster) it makes me think of all the other chores that i just did every day, before or after work without even thinking.coming home at lunch to quickly clean the barn if i could, and if i couldn;t get back here, slogging it out in the dark with the barn fiends trying to break on in. the running of the dogs in the evenings while poop and scooping the upper field and the monitering of the barn guys and dogs mobility, mood, happiness and health status with the poop fork and the wheelbarrow all in tow. and then there is the feed runs, and the chickens care…just one part of saints that involves so much time.

maybe that is why i never write anything down, to read it in black and white is too daunting. the phone calls, the emails, the back and forth to vets. the meds, the laundrymats, the tours and the orientations, and the intergrating of new animals into the fold. the people stuff, the constant demands, agendas, the conflicts, and worries and putting out of fires and removing potential flammable issues before they flame, the picking up of meds and special diets, the hauling of heavy bags to save the backs which were more sore and injured and at risk than mine. the cornering of furnace/appliance repairers and the payment of the bills. the answering of questions, and teaching when i remembered to explain the why behind the deed. the dump runs, the water issues, the mopping of the floors, just so i could make a cup of tea.

every second of every day full, with here, with work and with more here.

i am not a patient person with myself, i am not all that patient, period, my patience is given to my human and animal charges. but for me, i just work, i work out my heart and my trouble and my worries with more work.  i make decisions quickly, based on what works,  what i know from the past and present and everything i have learned along the way and what i decide is what is needed to get thru the day. i know the difficulties i encountered each day, and i learned how to work around them. i captain my very own ship which is why i started saints instead of fostering seniors for the spca. and i never feel a need to apologise for being who i am, because who i am is perfect for what i do. and that is what this frail ankle has taken away from me. it has reduced me to virtual immobility, to watching others struggling thru my dreams, trying to fill my shoes, except they didn’t know i have always been shoeless, because shoes are too constricting and confining and i lose them or the dogs eat them or they hurt my feet. i did everything i did,  not because i am a superhuman with great big feet, but because i didn’t know i was doing it,  it just needed to be done. and oh my god, i miss the freedom to do it now.

i have never had the animal’s grace, i have never had the peace of just being. i have never before been dependant and maybe it is a lesson i need to learn. but right now i am too full of regret, and yearning. i just want my life back, the way i made it, the way i lived it, the way i dreamed it every night before i fell asleep.

on a scale of 1 to 10 of terrible occurences, this ankle of mine barely quailfies as a one. that goes to show me how weak i truly am. it sucks looking into the mirror sometimes.

1 Comment on "the magic mirror."

  • Jean says

    Tears in my eyes, Carol – thank you for helping me to understand what you are experiencing right now.

    I said the first week, and I’ll say it again, that I am in awe of all you do and have done to establish and keep SAINTS running in a way that is true to your dreams and in the animals’ best interests. I truly love what you have created, I love being a part of it, and I am truly amazed that any one person can do all that you do day in and day out, mostly on your own.

    I have actually really enjoyed the work I’ve been doing trying to fill just one little part of your role since your accident, but I know it has been frustrating for the both of us since we have very different styles of organization/work and I approach tasks quite differently sometimes (like typing up instructions – even when it’s just for myself – and barn rosters – and wanting everything in my workspace organized and accessible and tidy – ha ha!).

    Because so much of the planning and organizing has always gone on inside your head (and still does), having a whole crew of volunteers trying to second guess you or act on their own must be frustrating. Meanwhile, I ponder and make lists and consult and second-guess and I’m probably driving you crazy right now, too. Time to put the reins back into your hands – just tell us what you want done and trust us to take care of it and to let you know if we can’t.

    And even when you are literally back on your feet, please remember you don’t have to do it all alone – you have a lot of people around you who love you and the animals and would love to share that burden with you. Lone Rangers notwithstanding.

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