yesterday

Posted: February 12, 2007 at 9:16 am

i am not sure how to deal with yesterday. except to accept it was hard and necessary. it was a really difficult day for tunie fish. she was angry, and frightened but yes, those feet needed to be done. for me, it doesn’t matter if she screams or not,  (altho i would rather she didn’t) what mattered was that i stood by her while she did. and initially i didn’t.

it will be a long time before i think about yesterday without seeing and hearing how she felt.  tunie was very distressed and i was ashamed of my lapse in responsibilty for her. i am not so silly to think in the middle of tunie’s extreme trauma she cared a whit if i was there or not. do the animals care in whose gentle arms they lay dying? i think they are concentrating on something else. and tunie was quite distracted yesterday desperately fighting, being frantic and angry and afraid. so did she know i let her down? of course not, she was busy.  the point is committment and responsibility are not just for when they are noticed or appreciated or acknowledged, they are for whatever is needed no matter what.  everyone here is here because the person committed to accepting responsibilty for them, disappeared on them somewhere along the way. maybe it was a thoughtless mistake like it was for me yesterday or maybe they just didn’t care. it doesn’t matter the reason just the absence.

 tunie may be a drama queen but i have alot of respect for a pig that afraid and forgiving at the same time. and part of respect is standing beside her, easy or not, for as long as she is in my care. i didn’t like yesterday and neither did tunie. but she had no choice and i made the wrong choice til i realized how very wrong it was.

it doesn’t matter if my feelings of responsibility are the same as anyone elses. what matters is that i don’t get lazy and weak and think my version of committment doesn’t really matter,  because it does.

 

22 Comments on "yesterday"

  • Jean says

    I believe there is a big difference between delegating responsibility, and abandoning or dumping an animal because it has become an inconvenience.
    Sometimes the toughest part of delegating responsibility is trusting those to whom you have delegated it.
    Obviously, it was important to you that you be there. And now you will know for next time. Don’t beat yourself up over this.

  • Janice says

    And yes , your right BUT let Petunia be your teacher in forgiveness.. forgive thy self. You have your foot in a cast Carol… and you with a foot in a cast who is is udner the continouse pressure to make 100 deciosions a day WHEN YOUR BROKEN is allowed to step a side for one minute. When things went from Plan A to Plan B you came as fast as you could as fast as one foot would let you. If I had of came into the house and told you I would be taking her down you would of been out there. Simple as that.. I never want to do this way and i made the decision based on her abiltiy to move away from me and her mental well being which has impproved a 100% . The longer I take following her around the more stress and we needed to get a good trim done on her this time. You did right by Petunia and have the second I told you about her.

  • Carol says

    i see more that there is a difference between delegating tasks and delegating responsibilty…that is where our politicians go wrong…they are ultimately responsible for the trust their constituents place in them. the ones that i never trust are the ones who distance themselves from that pretending they are not responsible for what happens under their watch. alot of them take that easy out. parents don’t (or shouldn’t)delegate the responsibilty of their children, it is their job to ensure their wellbeing every step of the way, even when they are in school, daycare, playing next door, out at the mall with their friends or undergoing medical care. i think when you arte responsible for something or someone, that doesn’t change until your responsibility ends (like at adoption for the animals, or kids growing up and becoming responsible for themselves, or politicians step down from their leadership role and hand the reins over to someone else.)
    but this is an interesting discussion, cuz just cuz i think like this doesn’t make it the only way, just the way i believe.

  • Jean says

    Hmmm…a delegated task vs a delegated responsibility -that’s an interesting distinction. I have sometimes felt sympathetic to politicians or police chiefs or government employees or school trustees or people on Boards of Directors who lose their jobs or get sued because someone else, who falls under their area of responsibility, acted unethically. And other times I have thought that they absolutely should have lost their job or been sued – that a reasonable person “ought to have known” that the person/people they to whom they had delegated responsibility was not acting appropriately and that there had been clear (or even fuzzy) indicators that something was amiss.

    When my child was little, I carefully researched and selected caregivers whom I could trust to look after her while I was in school or at work. I was responsible for choosing wisely, for communicating her needs clearly, for monitoring her progress, for talking with her frequently about her day, and for teaching her skills to cope if things went wrong. And in doing so, I provided the very best environment I could even though I could not be there with her all the time. I was comfortable that my parental responsibilities were well taken care of by competent and caring people during those hours they had the task of looking after her.
    And IF one of those caregivers, despite my careful screening, had suddenly gone beserk and murdered all the kids, those deaths would have been that caregiver’s responsibility, not mine.
    However, like you, I would have been beating myself up for not being there with my child.

  • Carol says

    lol…i would feel it was my responsibility for having chosen my child’s cargivers wrongly. that is why if something happens and an adoption breaks down, it is ulitmately my fault not just the adoptive family. i missed something and i picked and trusted the wrong home. funny how there are so many sides to one simple word.

  • Deb says

    “Responsibility” is not a simple word. It means many things to many people, and remains fluid with most. No two responsibilities carry the same weight, nor can anyone else choose what is most important for you. You learned something about yourself yesterday, Carol, and it will dictate future choices and future decisions. Live and learn, but try (please) to use this as a new tool, not as a stick with which to beat yourself up yet again about your perceived flaws.

  • jean says

    Aw, but we are human, not omnipotent. We cannot know all, see all, be all. You carry a heavy burden, my friend.

  • Maureen says

    In response to Carols 1st line ” I am not sure how to deal with yesterday “…. I know how I am going to deal with it… by never doing it again. I’m sorry but unless there is absolutley no one else to help.. and it is an emergency, count me out. Thank God Vanessa showed up & I was able to bolt , my legs shook for 5 minutes afterwards, I’m sure simply from adrenaline .

    I’m sure glad she took her treats & wagged her tail after the ordeal.

  • Carol says

    ok mo that made me laugh!

  • Carol says

    i don’t think it is about omnipotency, knowing all or seeing all…in fact if you are missing all those things, it makes it more real and true cuz you have to be careful and look at things really well…i think it has to do with doing your very best despite your humaness and accepting the responsibility if you get it wrong, however that happens, whoever or whatever you’d like to blame.
    it actually is a pretty good system, “the proverbial buck stops here” belief. it keeps you honest and paying attention and trying your hardest every day, cuz if the buck stops here, who else is there to blame?…our fearful leaders in parliment might find it helpful to keep them focused on the job they were entrusted with, our military generals might keep a closer eye on occasional rogue and rampaging troops, our RCMP big wigs at headquarters might pay attention before a man is beaten and tortured, instead of after the fact, which does the man little good now… a nurse might prevent a care aide from being too rough with the frail, a teacher may put a stop some bullying among her students, someone may pick up a starving cat, or a dog running loose…the list goes on and on because every decision we make for action, inaction, trust, distrust, friendship or exclusion carries a price tag that someone has to pay.
    i don’t see responsibilty as a crushing burden, i see it as a fact of life.
    anyway none of this has to do with tunie since this topic has gone way far past her.. .. but back to the start of this thought, yesterday, i wished i had been out there from the start where i think i belonged. and next time i will.

  • Julie says

    Poor Mo!
    All is well now and Petunia was a happy girl tonight. Carol gave her toasts and she snorted and wuffled at me until she got her supper. Petunia that is, Carol didn’t wuffle. She sang. Good Petunial. Good Carol.
    I need my supper!

  • Carol says

    it was their favorite mutated mr. ed song again. we all like that one!

  • Deb says

    “We all” meaning you and two tone deaf donkeys. 😉

  • Carol says

    hey, spritely likes it too.

  • Julie says

    It wasn’t bad. You sing better than my three year old nephew. 🙂

  • Carol says

    good one jules!

  • Deb says

    You also sound better than William Hung. What would Simon Cowell say?

  • Carol says

    i think william hung actually knows the real words to songs, i make up my own. i don’t think simon would like me (unless he was a horse of course!)

  • Maureen says

    O.k. we need my ghetto blaster to be brought out of thr room behind the bunnies, cuz tunie has to listen to me sing while I clean stalls & because I’m forever correcting Roxie & yelling her name .. I end up singing Roxanne.. you don’t have to wear that dress tonight….and believe me I can’t see at all.. Carol makes me sound great !!!

    P.S. I love to clean stalls to Mustang Sally !!

  • Maureen says

    Whoops.. I mean .. I make Carol sound great…in singing abilities ….. Hmmm note to self.. learn how to edit a post : – 0

  • Julie says

    I got the Moulin Rouge CD there Mo, you can sing Roxanne with music!

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