in fourteen years of living, i have never had a job or a responsibility before. i had a home, and a family. i had a friend and partner in another dog but mostly our days were filled with finding something fun or interesting to do. my family had limits on what they could give, and in the end they reached their limit and left both of us at the pound. they said it was my fault because i kept running away. but i wasn't running away from them, i was just running because i am a husky and i needed something to do.
when finally the lady from here came there to bring me home, i didn't know what home meant and now i do. it means loving someone so much that sometimes it scares you. it means being afraid that they might slip away. it means knowing and caring when they get hurt and climbing or moving mountains to reach them when they need you. it means that i run now with her in my sight and if she can't go with me then i don't go either, because homes can be forever lost. it means that i do get upset and fretful when she leaves me, she left me for 4 days already and came home broken which is not good.
i think about what is different about how i am loved now. it is the way that she loves all of me but esp. my face. like the whole heart inside me is inside my head. she touches and holds my face in her hands, she rubs her face against mine and pulls me right in. i feel myself sucked into this giant endlessness of warmth and care. it is so wonderful there, yet part of me is afraid that it might disappear.
so now i have a job and a responsibilty too, it is to make sure that i never lose what i have. i watch her and worry while i try to figure out what she is doing, and where is she going and will she come back? and will she get hurt again and stay away for long days? and i try to outsmart her but i can only do that if i don't let her out of my sight. i tell her over and over to take me with her, that i need to be with her but sometimes she won't.
she tells me i need therapy and just to relax and chill out. but after 14 years of missing something that now i have, i just can't take it lightly cuz i know what is like to not have it and i know it can get lost. it is hard being a husky, we aren't like other dogs. we know more and need more and once we find it, we won't let it go. cole tells me not to worry, it won't disappear. he used to be afraid inside sometimes too. but now he knows what home means and he never forgets where it is. i won't either. but i do wish she would just stay put, cuz it is stressful when your home is a human who has things to do.
i am maude and i love and am loved in return and right now, this very second, both she and i are going for a morning run.
the sad thing is, they all are my dogs. they shouldn't need someone like me, they should have had it all along. but...we are still looking for the right ones for them, maybe some of them will find it in the real world and not just here at saints. that would be nice then they wouldn't have to share so much.