running in the red

Posted: March 5, 2007 at 10:01 pm

…not talking about money, but about obligation. i remember my sister being mad at my mom years ago because my mom was the master at saving old forgotten strings….she did this for you therefore you should do that for her. funny enough i just did the same thing to my daughters recently. except mine was more globally encompassing cuz i can’t remember specifics. so i just hit them with “i gave birth to you and put up with your crap for 20 some odd years so you can damn well take me grocery shopping and push around my shopping cart cuz as long as i am on crutches i can’t.” haha they got as mad at me as my sister did at my mom. but it worked. except for on my kids tho, i am not holding any extra “U-owe-me cards. but i have a ton of I-Owe U cards flying around and every once in awhile one floats up from the distant past that wants repayment.

this is always tough, cuz what they want, i sometimes won’t give. i can’t make a space for an animal that i don’t have space for. and i won’t send an animal  where i don’t want it to go. so there i am stuck, owing something but still saying “no.” rescuers themselves owe alot to each other and we sometimes ask favors back and forth. and if one can’t repay at any particular moment, it is fine because we know that someday when they can, they will. and so will we. but rescuers never ask for what they aren’t willing to give back. so if i ask someone to help a dog, at some time i am on a hook to help back when i can. and i will and so will they. (and that’s how i got maudie the freak out!)

but i don’t have to take in my plumbers python or board a donors great dane and pups or give one of the saints animals to an U-owe-me card holder just cuz they play that damn card. i get a free pass card to quit that dangerous game.  i am supposed to be looking after the saints, not my plumber, not my next door neighbor, not the lady with the donation can at her til. and if i am looking after the saints, i am looking for the right homes for them, and not too much else is going to get in the way.

and do you know how absolutely ungrateful i feel as i squirm and cringe thru that “no”? or how embarrassed i am that i owe something to someone and are refusing outright to pay? and especially how deep down angry i am that the animals themselves or the workload that i carry has become some kind of currency to repay a debt? geesh, it is a rotten place to be, all horrid feeling thru and thru.

we actually don’t talk about this much outside of rescue, we all pretend it is all warm and good and everything is just easy. but i was talkng to a friend today who runs a childrens charity and she told me the same thing happens to them. except they don’t ask for the actual kids in repayment or try to unload one they no longer want but once in awhile someone wants something of integral value that she says thier charity doesn’t want to give either.

hmmmm…..so i am thinking and i write about sometimes running in the red and not even trying to get yourself back in the black. i shouldn’t have told my girls that they owe me because once something is freely given, (like really painful childbirth!) it is gone, poof, not here anymore. sorry girls, i won’t play that bad card again. and if ever anyone ever hears me say that what i have freely given here, deserves some kind of stupid reward or unfair consideration…just shoot me and bury me down by the pond and forget me cuz i won’t deserve to be here anymore.

(oh let me clarify that!…”unfair consideration” does not include my penchant for control, i am keeping that no matter what. cuz it works and i am not getting shot and buried for that!)

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