i hate the nights when i can’t sleep

Posted: June 27, 2007 at 1:37 am

tonight i am thinking about the dogs, cats and horses i turned away lately.. i wonder if they are ok. ah well, i really wonder if any of this even matters at all. maybe life isn’t supposed to be fixed. maybe it is meant to be full of pain and sorrow. maybe we only have hearts because they can be battered. maybe that is why animals are alot like us, because they can be hurt badly inside themselves too.

i think sometimes i not only feel responsible too much, but i feel guilty as well. my life is too good, too easy, too free of terrible things like being tossed away or of being forgotten. i have many here who look and see me.

anyway, i am glad i am awake. tyra just got up from her bed and she is sore. she runs too hard when she is pissed at phoebe and i think she hurt herself tonight. i keep forgetting she is getting old now too. i just gave her, her first dose ever of pain medication. funny, i give it so much to all of the others and even to tally when his arthritis is bad, but never to tyra, she has never needed it before. i don’t like that she needs it tonight.

tyra gives up alot. she has given up alot for her whole entire life. she never had just one whole person to herself because of all of the others who need a place to stay. she shares me with not only all the other animals, but with all of the people who come here as well. i hope in her next life she finds someone to love her better than me.

i wonder when all of this is over and all of us have passed away, if there ever was a point to this at all. was laying with dexter in the field tonight and rubbing his belly while he wheezed and rolled really all that important? so what if he died 6 months ago in a city pound? who was it most important to that he come here, the people who found him? the people who have met and loved him here? or was it the most important to me?

he is going to die soon. that is not going to change. 6 months ago in a pound as a stray, or here as a saint rolling in the field for a time, really, in the big scheme of things, what difference does it really make? are all of the dexters of the world, worth the loss of tyra’s one true friend. she looks at me sometimes and i know what she is thinking…” see me? i am here too”…one day she won’t be here anymore and i will grieve not only her loss but what the rest of us had stolen away from her.

everyone else here was a rescue. they came here to what saints is. but tyra was chosen and brought to my home while i still had a home and not a shelter. and tyra was the true beginning of the end of that life, she made me see how many there were like her and has made this great journey with me. and what did she get out of all of this? not very much i think.

sad thoughts tonight for my very best friend who has spent her life waiting for me.

1 Comment on "i hate the nights when i can’t sleep"

  • Janice says

    Animals are logical and the hold no ill feeligns towards us. Willy as you know was my first and when he crossed i remember seeign him standing at his fence looking out to me when i had the young pigs out ..becaause they were babies and they needed to be.. at waht cost.. i cried buckets over those memories of him looking out at me. but when i spoke to Willy who told me ‘ he knew i was busy but that i always made speciel time for him”. They don’t measure time like we do.. that is what makes them even more amazing to me. It is only about being loved..

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