i don’t usually get angry when they go, but today i am struggling in and out with it.

Posted: August 14, 2007 at 9:25 pm

i was so angry tonight. i was mad that i wasn’t here the second he needed me and was running stupid errands instead. i was angry that i had to leave him dead at one vets and drive to another vets to pick up clyde. i was pissed that i hadn’t done the barn earlier and couldn’t take the dogs for a run cuz i had to get it done and ben out for a run first. i was mad because our regular vet was not available and the one covering took his temperature and looked in his ears before telling me it was probably a stroke and his prognosis was poor. i was mad that he didn’t get the pre-med cocktail i asked for and that i hadn’t insisted that he did.

and mostly i was mad that the little cute dogs stand a chance at a real home but 100 pound homely, best dog in the world, bill, sat here for 7 years without one. i really am pissed at that.

and then i started thinking about bill. about how he was seventeen years old when he died, do you know that is about 105 human years? wow. and how he waited until after he had his lunch and his tim bits to pack it in. and how zoe and her friends stayed with him, comforting him, right to the very, very end.

i remembered him down in the field with me the other day, toddling along and eating grass under the tree. and i remember how many hearts that dog touched over the past seven years.

and i remembered so many years of him gracing my home and my heart and sharing his face as the face of saints. bill came before even the dream, he was one of the ones who put the dream in my head.

he is one of the ones who owns me, body and soul for the rest of my life.

every time i look up at his picture above my desk, i feel the tears start to flow. i cannot believe he just left like that. so quick, so fast. and really what did i expect? he was 105 for god’s sake.

i think in my heart that i believed that bill would stay here with me. that he wouldn’t leave me here without his face and his heart to remind me every time i looked at him, why i actually do this.

you hurt me today bill. i need you here on that futon and you left.

3 Comments on "i don’t usually get angry when they go, but today i am struggling in and out with it."

  • Zoe says

    Up until recently, I had quite a bit of guilt riding on my shoulders. Three jobs meant working six ( sometimes seven) days a week. Since I commute to S.A.I.N.T.S. from North Vancouver, visiting requires a full day, which was incredibly difficult to find. I visited the website last week, and was devastated to find that so many of our dears had left us, including my Jazz.
    Today, with Jen and Alyce I returned to S.A.I.N.T.S. after too much time away. Now, all I can say is I couldn’t have picked a better day to go back.
    After spending some time outside with Percy, Ellie & company, we headed back inside to check in with the Big Dogs, and noticed that Bill was acting strangely, sprawled out on his usual red futon. Without going into details, he was clearly in a lot of distress. Jen called Carol, who said he had probably just suffered a stroke. We did not once leave Bill’s side while we waited for Carol, all we could do was talk to him and hold him.
    When she got home, Carol was able to give Bill an injection that helped him relax, which made moving him on to the stretcher and to the van much more comfortable for him. I’m quite confident we all knew what his prognosis would be, but that didn’t make hearing it any more easier, or knowing what subsequently had to be done.
    Bill was euthanized, and slipped away peacefully, surrounded by three ladies who loved him immensely. From the moment we found him, until the moment he left us, he was spoken to, stroked, and never let go of. I’m also delighted to report that earlier this afternoon, he was able to partake in some Timbits we picked up on the way.
    I couldn’t have picked a better day to come back to S.A.I.N.T.S. because if we hadn’t have been at the house, it probably would have been a while until someone had found Bill and he would have been all alone. For one reason or another, however, we were there, and Bill was not alone…this means a lot to me.
    When I decided to start coming to S.A.I.N.T.S, I knew things like this would happen, but knowing this doesn’t help when they actually do. Bill was an absolute treasure, Carol, and I take such solace in knowing that the seven years he spent at S.A.I.N.T.S. were the best of his life. Bill was in the best place for him in the world, and I am so very grateful for that.
    So, for a very special soul, Bill, I’m glad you’re out of pain and that wherever you have gone now, you’re partying with Jazz, Moses and all of your buddies. And once again, I must say, I wouldn’t have wanted to be anywhere else today than with you.

  • Heidi says

    I’m so glad you were with Bill today and he was comforted. I just saw Bill on Sat and Sun and he looked good. He enjoyed lots of treats on Sunday at Pippa’s memorial. Bill you were a good dog and have left a huge void for many!! Especially Carol. Take care everyone!!Heidi

  • Santana says

    R.I.P My old dog. You’ll always be my buddy..

    – The little girl who used to own him –

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