the silence and sound of suffering

Posted: October 12, 2007 at 1:12 am

tonight they suffer and i wait and worry and write.

gideon had his poop and started on his dinner. he didn’t eat very much. but he seemed ok which is good because jeanette started to suffer in his stead.

i went to get a crate to set up for mugsy and i heard her moaning in the dark. i went to the barn and she was down and flat out and moaning in distress and fear. greg is away and i tried to get her up but once again i couldn’t do it by myself. i called jean and she came right away but we couldn’t get her to stand.

i finally called the vet and she came and in the end we loaded her up with a couple of heavy pain meds. we braced her with hay bales so she couldn’t go flat again and will have to wait til morning to see if she can rise.

i briefly toyed with getting the vet to look at gideon but i felt bad for waking her up and calling her out and he seemed to be doing ok.

and then she and jean left and i went to turn off the barn light and i could see that he was again suffering in silence in there. i walked him out in the field for awhile and then put him back in his stall. he had another poop but he is still in pain so i gave him a big dose of quatrisol.

and now jeanette is silent along with gideon and i am sitting here wishing i had been stronger and smarter and asked the vet to look at him too. and i am worried about jeanette cuz if she doesn’t get up i know what will happen tomorrow.

and i hate being here and doubting and flogging myself and worrying about what is going to be. i did all i could for jeanette, i know this, but i messed up royally with gideon and let him down. i don’t want to call the vet again but i will if i have to, i just hope that quatrisol works and i don’t have to. i will walk him again and see how he is and then decide what’s the best thing to do.

long days sometimes become long, lonely nights with only your worry, guilt, fear and F%#& ups to pass the time while you wait. 

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