rainbow bright

Posted: November 5, 2007 at 5:03 pm

so i had an absolute melt down this afternoon. i knew by then that  rainbow was dying and true to my very controlling self, i had the whole thing all planned out. i took the afternoon off from work and booked her euth appointment for 3:30 which was the first available time. this gave me time to rush home and get the barn cleaned before the appointment so i wouldn’t have to try cleaning it in the dark.

but then life as usual got in the way and when i got home there were other things that had to be done before the barn. and rainbow needed checking to make sure she was still comfortable too. i left her sleeping and wrapped in a soft baby fleece. so i did everything else that i had to (like feeding the little frail guys and the very impatient cats and mopping up the myraid of puddles of pee from raymond who was busy since trina had gone on home) and i got it all done in record time and hustled my butt outside.

the barn was a disaster and i was working as fast as i could and worrying about the time. cuz i wanted to spend some time with rainbow before i took her in to die.

and phoebe was screaming and clyde was shrieking and i knew the neighbors could make a complaint. but i wanted that barn done so i just worked even faster til finally i blew my top. i rushed into the dog yards and gave them all shit and slammed the doors after i locked them all inside the house. and i finished that barn and i got it all done and rainbow had already passed away.

the vet told me this morning that the bloodwork suggested a massive and aggressive form of cancer. i let go of my guilt cuz i hadn’t missed something that could be fixed, like an infection or diabetes.

but then of course now i feel guilty cuz she died while i was shovelling shit.

rainbow was a good girl and she loved me alot. and she slept every night wrapped around my neck or my head. and she never bit anyone here, all she ever wanted was someone to hold her while she loved them the best that she could. and i couldn’t do even  that for her in the very end.

sometimes i hate saints, i hate all the work and i hate the choices i have to make, especially when i make the wrong ones. and i hate if they pass and are not in my arms because that is the biggest promise i make.

i came home from the vets after dropping off her body and cut rudy’s teeth so he could eat. i cleaned the ameri-cats room and fed them their lunch and gave them all of their meds. by the time i was finished i was pretty much over my selfish and juvenile emotional extreme.

those cats calmed me down and i remembered what my job was, which is just to do the very best that i can.

good-bye rainbow bright, i will miss you in the dark of the night.

 

8 Comments on "rainbow bright"

  • Chris T says

    I am sorry Rainbow is gone.

    Just remember that you are human Carol and you can’t do more than one person possibly can. Be gentle with yourself tonight. Do something for you.

  • Rae says

    Rest in Peace Rainbow. You will be missed!!!!!

  • Sharla says

    Carol I’m sure Rainbow felt your love while she quietly went to sleep tucked into the blanket her mommy wrapped around her.

    I’m sorry for your loss

  • Bridget. says

    🙁

    ~HUGS~

  • Carol, I’m very sorry to read about Rainbow’s passing. I’m glad she had you and SAINTS… Thank you for taking care of her these past couple of years.

    RIP Rainbow

  • Emma says

    God Bless Rainbow. I’m sure she was happy to just curl up in a blanket and sleep peacefully in her familier surroundings.

  • Shannon says

    Carol,
    I first met Rainbow when I worked at the Kamloops Branch of the SPCA. She was brought in as a stray, and we thought she was pregnant. We sent her to be spayed, but it turned out she was just really fat!
    Soon after I left the shelter for another job. I was contacted a few weeks later by an old co-worker that had said they were going to be putting down a fairly large amount of cats. Rainbow was slated to be one of them. Myself and another friend rescued 6 cats from certain death. Rainbow came to my house. She lived in my spare room, and over the next 2 years I tried to integrate her with the rest of my household (which conisted of 6 other cats). Rainbow just would not adjust. It wasn’t her fault though. My cats picked on her, and I had to break up more than a few fur-flying brawls. I felt like a bit of a failure to her because I just couldn’t make her comfortable in my home. Luckily, a friend of mine found you. A loving home that would welcome her in without any judgements. I’ve never had to “re-house” a pet before, and it was hard for me to think that I had to give up on her.
    You gave her a wonderful stable home where she was content and happy to be herself! I will be forever grateful to you for taking her in and loving her. She was lucky to have had you!
    Rest In Peace sweet Rainbow.

  • Carol says

    shannon…not all animals can be happy in all places. even here some of them need somewhere else(like cody…she is so much happier in her new foster home)
    rainbow was the perfect cat for here and here was the perfect home for her too…i don’t know why, maybe some things are just meant to be. i’m just glad that i got a chance to love her because she was a rainbow in disquise and she taught me how to leave unhappy cats alone but to make sure they are never lonely. thx for pulling her out of that shelter. i am sorry that she is gone, i thought she would be here for longer.

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