the darkness

Posted: May 4, 2008 at 7:38 am

i dread the winter because it gets dark so early, it is hard to get everything finished. and i dread the lengthening light of spring and summer because until it is dark, the day is not done.

sigh…i think i am feeling trapped by the continuous growing walls of need. there is always someone, somewhere, needing something from me. there is no place to hide here, there is no place to walk away to where others can’t follow. there is no real privacy that i never really wanted until lately. but i do want it today.

ahhh, the choices we make…they seem like such a good idea at the time until you reach that point of no return. and i don’t really want to go back either, i just don’t like where i am stuck and i am unsure of the path from here.

sooo, do i turn right or left? do i go up or down? do i create a distance, or do i give even more? i take 1 step forward, then i take a step back, i turn around in a circle, i haven’t a clue which way to go next.
who would have thought that the changing light determines so many things…like… was this the road to freedom or was it a trick into a cage? if this is freedom, why do i no longer feel free?
and if this was really a trap set to catch me…did i set it? did the animals? or did people? and who holds the key?

i do i suppose, and that key gets ever so much heavier as i lug that sucker around. the responsibility weighs on me and sometimes drags me down. today i want to chuck it away and start screaming, “let me out, get away, i don’t have the answer, i don’t even know the question anymore”…i am as lost as everyone else is and i have a terrible sense of direction so i stay lost longer too.
it is a beautiful day out there today, it is pretty damn light out there too. and i am yearning for the darkness to return along with the peace that it brings. in the darkness, i know where i am supposed to be…inside with them, mopping up pee.
shit, i need to get back to work, thank god tomorrow is monday.

7 Comments on "the darkness"

  • lynne says

    the part that would rreally suck for me is knowing you need the help but your privacy is shot to hell. your home really is not yours but the animals, the vulunteers the staff, but what is the alternative. i only have 3 dogs here and sometimes i wish they would all go away, but then i knowa that is not going to happen so i give them a pat and get on with it. i would be scared to be in your position i do not know if i could do it so feel free to vent on those who care about you and your animals. see y;ou shortly lynne

  • Yvette says

    My greenhouse is MY ZONE, no dogs and most early early mornings are mine alone. BUT – it is still too cold to grow and the spring floods are starting – the greenhouse has 6 inches of water in it. Once June comes we have light until midnight! More people come in the evening for a “ride” to see the dogs. I understand the privacy thing too. Oh, Stan is down for the count – a gastric thing so no trip today! Take care

  • Jenine says

    Hang in there. There are more good days than “bad”
    days. Remember them. All you can do is take care of
    the “most pressing item” for that day or moment in
    time. The rest will wait and/or take care of themselves and/or be there “tomorrow”. There are
    those of us out here that know exactly what you are
    saying. And speaking for myself, we have all felt
    the same feelings. And then a “really good day”
    happens, and it makes it all worth while. Have some
    M & M’s for me. (I can’t indulge anymore,
    chocolate gives me a really bad headache)
    Take a moment to take a deep breath and enjoy the
    beautiful day.

  • Lindsay says

    Sounds like incipient burn-out to me.

    Time to re-assess the boundaries?

  • Chris T says

    If you ever need privacy you are more than welcome for a night in our guest room. Deb has said she would go and stay with the SAINTS. Keep it in mind you might just need it sometime.

  • Julie says

    Carol please check your Emails.

  • Cheryl says

    Maybe that is what you need Carol…A day away..or maybe two..no one is going to think the less and it might just give you a boost..maybe 3 or 5…they have respite for care givers whose spouses or parents they are full time caregivers too. The government recognizes that this is needed for the peace of mind and body health for these folks…so why not for you!!!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *