some days it is just not worth it.

Posted: June 2, 2008 at 8:20 pm

every rescuer at some point wants to quit…we all want to throw in the towel, we can feel ourselves dreaming of walking away…we can feel the gut wrenching bellows of ” “F” OFF!” rising in our throats and we try to choke it back down.

like it is not hard enough to take in the world’s unwanted and give them a place to stay. it isn’t enough to scrape together each penny to feed them and give them vet care. it isn’t enough that you can never leave for more than a few hours because something might happen while you are gone. it isn’t enough that you are on call for everyone for apparently everything, 24 hours a day, every day. you can hold a hundred animals in your arms and ensure they have a comfortable death, you can find another hundred homes in which to be cherished. you can mop up the pee and pick up the poop of the other hundred still here. it is not enough that you sit here and weep because god did not make you good or strong or smart enough or freaking rich enough either. it is not enough that you beg the forgiveness of the cuddles and clydes and all of the others that you let down. it is not enough that you carry the burdens and guilt to care for the animals here.
and you can even love every second that you care for them, you can love every tear, every pain in the heart and still it is never enough.
at the end of each day…tell yourself over and over, it doesn’t matter, it doesn’t matter, it doesn’t freaking matter. feed the barn. clean up the pee, go feed dixie chick because she is crying. stop and touch boots’s face, ask him if all is well and did he manage ok today?. look to see if jewel is in pain, check on cuddles to see if his wounds are still clean. did the chickens and ducks get fed?, how many loads of laundry are there, and is mugsy any better tonight? what do jed’s eyes look like, did they get washed out today? is jesse happy, does she need a walk? did i give out all of the medications? mix up the tube feed for princeton, is gideon eating better today? order the hay, order the shavings, call the shearer, call the vet again. answer the phone, answer the email, answer the 120th question of the day.
it doesn’t matter, it doesn’t matter, it just the fuck doesn’t matter…do your job and screw the rest, the rest of the crap doesn’t matter.

and don’t even think about quitting, it is far too late for that.

14 Comments on "some days it is just not worth it."

  • jane says

    all this is love and it matters, every bit of it.
    i’m sorry it’s so much, i’m sorry it never stops but it’s love and it matters.

  • Deb says

    Keep your chin up, Carol. This too shall pass. There will always be assholes and there’s not a damn thing you can do about them, except weather the storms they create.

    The people you need to believe in you , in SAINTS, do and will, regardless of circumstance. Those who try to bring you down will fail, because SAINTS is real, it is a physical and emotional Sanctuary that will pass any test, overcome any obstacle. You give your mind, body and soul to SAINTS, Carol. To know you is to know that as fact.

    I’m sorry you are being put through the wringer, especially right now, when you are still mourning Clyde. Jerks tend to have impeccable timing.

    SAINTS will be okay. It’s you that worries me. One can only take so many body blows before it becomes too hard to get up off the mat again. Please remember you have friends and supporters, some of whom you have never met.

  • Hi Carol,
    Just let these people who complain walk a day in your shoes and then maybe they will have their eyes opened to how much love, work, and time you spend taking care of your animals. You are doing a wonderful job and bless you for caring.
    Submitted by Vi at 9:19 p.m.

  • Jenine says

    Ummmmm Sounds like there is an underlying issue
    here from what Deb says.

    We have never met>>>, but I so believe in who you
    are Carol. Whatever has “come up”, trust yourself and your closest FRIENDS.

    There will always be the “bad people”, and we have
    no control over them. And unless we can isolate
    ourselves, we have to deal with that also. And try
    to let it slide off our shoulders>>>>

    Hang in there, TAKE CARE OF YOU ALSO.

  • Deb says

    You are smart to believe in Carol, and in SAINTS, Jenine. She is deserving of support and trust. There are dozens of people you can talk to about Carol….me, Chris, Mo, Nicole, Zoe, Angelina, Eva, Lynne, Shelley, Susan, Stan, Yvette, Laura and Lana, the list goes on and on and on, but your best bet is to talk to Carol herself. She is forthright and unfailingly honest, regardless of whether the truth is what you want to hear. There is no bullshit, she hasn’t time for that. With Carol you get just the straight up goods.

    Carol and SAINTS will always come back swinging, but shit, why should she have to deal with unnecessary garbage?

  • Angelina says

    Everything you do matters Carol, because everything you do is for the animals. All the choices that are damn near impossible to make, all the worry, all the love, all the time and effort. You are one of the strongest people I know even on the days that you feel you are just not good enough. All you can do is your best and that is all I see from you. You are the one making all the hard choices no one else. You are the one who lives SAINTS. Most people are not even willing, let alone able, to do all you do.

    We will not let you go down. Everyone who cares about you is here for you. You can lean on us because we know that you are doing something amazing. Anyone who says that they can do a better job is either totally blind or kidding themselves.

    Also remember that you need to take care of yourself too because without you SAINTS would not be.

  • Carol says

    i am good…i had an epiphany in the bath…i was pondering all the shitty things about rescue, none of which have anything to do with the animals. when all of a sudden the door under the sink starts banging. i reach over, open it wide and ask “who is that in there?” (please god don’t be a rat!) and out pops boo. she jumps up onto the counter and parks her butt on my towel. she is not going to give it back. i am either going to get bit or whacked if i try to get it.

    boo symbolizes the difficulties in life. it is not personal, it is not a vendetta, it is just the way it is. that is now her towel and i have to decide if i want to fight for it or just let her have it cuz it is too much trouble and ultimately worthless to even try to re-claim.
    the towel lost, may it give her great pleasure….now if she had tried to steal my much anticipated hot, steaming bath that i need more than anything tonight, that is another thing altogether. i’d have fought her tooth and nail for that and i would have won too.

  • Lindsay says

    Way to go Boo.

    Maybe she’s a closet blog reader, and this is her message to you. 🙂

  • Hah!! I love Boo. She is so awesome! Just told you that you can handle anything hey. Give again, even though you thought you had done all the giving you were capable of. Wow, it is so obvious that some people cannot handle strong women. But there are more strong women that weak ones, so that is why women have the children and bear the heaviest loads in life. Hold your head high and share your sense of humour is the message from our Boo. Mugsy is one of the much fewer Strong males. I love him too. He turned out to be an awesome animal! Everyone where he came from doubted him and we did not. He has my respect and love. And I know he has yours. Cleo is also a strong female. Eva

  • Rae says

    I hope today is a better day for you. Just remember the only ones you are accountable to is yourself and all of your furry angels. Saints is alive because of you and it is based on the decsions you make for the well being of the animals. You have to look at each individual as well as the whole herd( a very eclectic herd it is!) People who don’t agree can take a step back, respectfully disagree and carry on or, go help elsewhere. In the overall picture of Saints and the amazing work you do there shouldn’t be room for any outside bitchiness, or negativity, afterall who does it help in the long run?
    So as you get ready to start your day remember how loved you are by all of your animals and by the people who have gathered around you. You Rock Carol!!!!!

  • Rae says

    P.S Totally unrelated but when is the work party planned for??

  • No we can’t quit cuz who else would take care of our animals? Remember if it ain’t broke – don’t fix it. And it definitely ain’t broke! There will always be “someone” who thinks his/her way is the way to go. Or better or more cost effective or better for the animals or???? So why aren’t they doing the job too? There are so many animals in need – so why don’t they put their ideas/methods to work? We know why – cuz no one else has the committment/compassion/honest to doG love for the animals!! Who else devotes their entire life to the benefit of animals?

  • Cheryl says

    Carol:I have a dear friend…Maureen’s Roxie’s foster Mom who has had terminal cancer for 7 years…she lives in the States. We (herself included) honestly believe that she has survived for so long (she was given a year) because of exactly this…no one else is in her area to help the dogs…she is another phenominal rescuer but there is no one to step up to the plate or wishes to…so she must just continue as Yvette says…so just keep on doing what you do best and the heck with the others..no one else can help the seniors locally like you…

  • Deb says

    Eva, your comment about some people not being able to deal with strong women is so true! Eleanor Roosevelt, Joan of Arc, Susan B. Anthony, Rosa Parks,Elizabeth Cady Stanton, Amelia Earhart, Louisa May Alcott, Josephine Baker, Johanna (Anne) Sullivan, Anne Frank, Sojourner Truth, Margaret Thatcher, Queen Elizabeth II, Benazir Bhutto, Michaëlle Jean, Gloria Steinem…..the list is virtually endless, and they all fought, and some, sadly, died because they were and are “dangerous”, according to those who make/made the rules.
    Carol, I know you are not political, but I also know you are passionate. You’ll stand up to this challenge the same way your sisters before you did, and for the very same reason. It needs to be done.

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