Rescue Journal

too lazy to think of a title

Carol · Jun. 3, 2008

part of doing rescue effectively is keeping in touch with what is going on inside of you. sometimes this is really hard because you have to be willing to be honest.

there is an invisible barrier right now between me and cuddles the poodle. he is one of my all time favorite dogs and i adore him thru and thru. he still follows me wherever i go, he still sleeps constantly on my lap. he kisses my face and i kiss him back but something between us has changed. i think it is a combination of my guilt that he was injured and my regret that clyde is dead. i certainly don't blame him in any way, but when i see him, i automatically think of clyde. i think i am vaguely feeling like what a parent might feel if one child was lost and one was still there....a little bit of a disconnection..or maybe i am just tired.
it is an uncomfortable feeling and i don't like it much and i would just like it to go away. but right now i have so many different uncomfortable feelings that one more doesn't matter i guess..... .in any case, we will get thru it all...my all time favorite motto is...."fake it til you make it".......eventually you get there.
there is a definite change here since clyde has passed away...it is still noisy at times and chaotic but that element of high negative electricity has gone. the animals are more settled, they are feeling alot less stress. this makes me feel sad a bit too because clyde couldn't help that part of him either....obviously he is still haunting me, and maybe i need him to keep doing it too.

i am sure there is all kinds of psycho-babble-crap to explain what i am going thru...i will just keep it simple, i am still working this thru.

boots the new old guy has settled in perfectly well. gideon's appetite is still off a bit and i wish it would bounce back real quick. this is the problem with really old horses, it takes very little to throw their guts off.

well it is the season premiere of canadian idol tonight, i am not that excited but maybe once i start watching it i will get drawn in again.

molly is pooping another mile so i better take care of it before the show starts.

Comments

Carol

lol...i actually do need a keeper...i am off in la la land distracted about all the stuff at saints and i am not paying attention til SPLAT!.....i get run over and squished once again.
i do have some really great friends but maybe you guys could take turns assigning someone to keep me from more road rash....a whole, happy, clueless,and non whining carol is so much easier to deal with!

Deb

You don't need a "keeper", you need to surround yourself with people for whom your needs are important, and your health and well-being are a priority. Usually those people are called "friends".

Carol

oh god..i have graduated from needing one keeper to a whole handful.

Chris T

I think you need to surround yourself with those who you know you can trust - and you know who they are. Then, before you let others in perhaps you need to check with those in your inner circle and gather opinions. You may still mess it up - your inner circle may be wrong...but at least you will be doing things more intentionally and thinking about it rather than just letting it happen.

Carol

ahhh...i thought you meant i had to drive back out to harrison hotsprings and sit on the beach for a couple of freaking hours, bored out of my gord and just wanting to go home.

shopping is not fun...i was happy because i was smart enough to go into one store, ask the lady to dress me appropriately and be done in less than an hour. besides now i have a nice summer outfit, i don't need another one.

a spa is just stupid for me.
a movie is too crowded.
my kids and i are too busy right now, too hard to coordinate all of our schedules without a great deal of planning.
BF is too far away...hmmmmm.
so.....
i would like a back and neck and cranial massage...i will get that one of those on my holidays.

in all seriousness tho...what i really truly need...is a 24 hour emotional body guard to keep me from stumbling into the midst of human need...that is where i mess up big time, over and over again...it sneaks right up, and the webs start weaving and before i can see it, i am choking in someone else's strings....getting free is ugly, it hurts them and me.
mo tells me i trust too easily...i need a body guard to stop me from doing that.

Deb

If it sounds boring, Carol, then change the CD in your head and find something that does not sound boring. It doesn't have to be a huge and daunting "task", since task is another word for "work" and you need "self care" which means being kind, gentle and loving to yourself, just for a little while.

You were so happy when you found the new outfit you wore to Wishes for Whiskers....and it looked fabulous on you. You could, potentially, maybe, perhaps go shopping for a second very flattering outfit. You have two daughters who would no doubt love to go with you.
Have you ever been to a Spa....just for a day? If someone were to get you a gift certificate for a spa day, would you ever go?
What about just a movie and dinner with Lindsey, Jenn or Eric, or all three? God knows they would like more of your time.

Is it maybe time for another trip south to Angel Canyon, Utah to revive your spirit and fill your soul at Best Friends?

Perhaps dinner and a movie, shopping, spas,or a long hot bath with a warm beverage is just too shallow, and you need deep care.

Just a thought.

Lindsay

Sometimes boring is healthy.

Once an acupuncturist gave me a treatment for exhausted adrenals and he warned me: "This will just feel like you are bored."

Consider, just as a thought, sucking up the boredom on the chance of giving your adrenals a break. They have had to deal with quite a bit.

To save them for the longer term.

Carol

i have a couple of weeks of holidays coming up soon. i will do something about "self care" maybe then, but honestly deb, it sounds boring.

Deb

Oops, Freudian slip......it used to be triangular, not ot used two be triangular.

Deb

Your title might be:

"I'm only human, and today I hurt."

Clyde's death has hit you hard, Carol, and the only truth about the grieving process is that you'll never mourn two dogs/cats/chickens/rabbits/horses/sheep the same way twice, and no two humans grieve in exactly the same manner.

You and Cuddles need time to redefine your relationship because it used two be triangular, and with Clyde gone, it's just the two of you. It'll happen, but you won't notice the process, just the outcome.

You've had a very, very difficult stretch of days and nights, Carol, and you need to find a way to make time for self care.

No, that's not a joke.