the cold brutality of truth

Posted: June 26, 2008 at 8:34 am

my mother told me 30 years ago that broken people construct walls of defences around themselves. she said you can never breach those walls from the outside because to strip away all of those defences would destroy the person hiding inside. those walls were built brick by brick because they just couldn’t cope so they began a life-long labour to construct and maintain a fantasy world in order to survive.

my mother told me a few wise things that i have always remembered. and they have been a blessing and a curse in many different ways…like…now i can’t say the things i sometimes want to say loud and clearly because now i know it is mean.
on a personal note, i am forever digging around inside me…i self evaluate, i practice insight, i am always on the look out for any walls creeping up inside me that i need to get rid of…sheila once told me i was paranoid of people in rescue (she later said i was right to be afraid)…what she didn’t know was that i am also paranoid of myself.

i learned in one of my college psych classes that we have 3 people inside…one that only i see, one that only you see and i am blind about, and one that no one sees…not even me….it is the last two that i worry about….those are the two that can cause problems…unknown entities can cause havoc.

and on top of worrying about the reality of truth on what is going on inside me personally…i have to try to deal with the constructed lies of others hiding inside themselves when they start assaulting my world because they don’t so much like looking around their own….my world is much more fun to tear down.
and that sucks…and it sucks because of my mother. knowing what she told me more than 30 years ago, means i can’t start spewing out truths in chronological order to prove a point and get them to stop causing me trouble. so i have to play out the game until they get tired and hope they go away fairly soon to torture someone else.
some people give me way too much credit, they actually believe i care enough about them to waste my time getting even. the truth of the matter is, i don’t care at all, i don’t care who wins or loses, all i care about is that the ugliness that entered my world, goes away…i cold heartedly balance asset against liability. and once we descend into red, i cut the loss and move on. this is not a very nice truth about myself, but it is the truth so why pretend it is not?

anyone who thinks i got to where i am at saints today because i am kind and generous and compassionate and caring and patient is wrong…they are not wrong that i am all of those things, because i am all of those things but i am here at saints today because i am strong and determined and stubborn to a fault and i actually am very patient (even if it drives me nutz) i will not foster or try to appease or fix faulty relationships that bring negativity, dishonesty, or potential harm to me, to the animals, or to this place…it is the cold brutal truth….i cannot afford the time or the energy and it is not something i am good at anyway…my mother was, but not me.

so i might as well send out a fair public warning to those in the future who choose to come looking to saints…don’t come here looking for salvation or a good place to hide cuz that is not what you’ll find here…you will find me and i can’t always afford to be nice.

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