i was wondering….

Posted: July 22, 2008 at 6:02 pm

when normal average folks live their daily lives..how much thought goes into it? cuz i have this thing (left over from my upbringing i suppose) that someone important is watching everything i do. so every time i would think to do something dishonest or unfair or unkind or untrue…i figured there was someone watching and i couldn’t hide what i was up to.

this is why i wear my faults on my sleeve, cuz i am not about to be caught trying to hide the truth of whatever matter from an omnipotent who happened to be watching carefully and knows exactly what i did and why. maybe there isn’t a “god” maybe i worry for naught. maybe i could just be a sleeze bag and no one would care. but maybe there is and if there is, whoever is not going to be the least bit interested in any bullshit story i try to weave.

i may have made alot of mistakes in my lifetime, but i have owned up to each and every one. i blame absolutely no one for my mistakes except the person who actually made the mistake and that’s me.

and this is why i have so little tolerance for those who decorate the truth and use it to get off the hook…to me that is a cowardly act…do something, own it up…make a choice and stand by it…make a bargain and keep my side of it, always tell the truth even if i stand to lose cuz my word is my bond and if broken it is then worthless forever and i can never forget and stand tall again. and finally, never, absolutely never, creatively re-write history to bring myself up or another person down cuz that just brings me as low as can be…. i am always thinking, if someone just might be watching all of this, and i do wrong and then pretend i did not then i might be in some serious trouble for eternity.

weird, for all of my religous upbringing…this is what i got…not unquestionable faith but unquestionable fear that i would disappoint, or i would be untrue, or i would fall short, or i would not be worth the miracle that was supposed to be me.

so i was wondering…do average normal folks worry about this stuff like i do?

6 Comments on "i was wondering…."

  • Chris T says

    Yes…I think many of us do. I know I do.

  • Deb says

    Once I get past the thought that you are “average normal folk”, Carol, maybe I can reflect on your question. You, my dear, are not “average” or “normal” in any way , shape or form. If you were, there would be no S.A.I.N.T.S.

  • Carol says

    well i might be abnormal as far as saints is concerned, but i think i am normal in terms of my actual humanity….and my follow up question is if in fact normal folks do worry about this…how much real impact does it actually have in what we do….cuz i have known a fair amount of “decent, honest, and honorable” people whose decency and honesty and honor was only worn as a matter of convenience and as soon as they stood to gain or lose something, it suddenly disappeared.
    i don’t think it is meant to be an on again off again kind of thing….at least not if someone is watching that it.

  • Hillevi says

    Ah, the question that may not have an answer. I believe that people who are decent, honest, and honorable only when it suits or serves them are truly none of those things. People who can persevere through the good and the bad, who never set aside their “Moral Compass” or change it to suit their immediate wants, and who, even in the lowest of times, reach out to those less fortunate are angels and saints. It is those people that I want to know, that I pray are blessed, and I know will join God when their time on this Earth is over.

    I don’t know if this is what you were wondering, but do know that you are one of those people I want to know, and I pray that you keep being blessed, and I know that we will meet someday in heaven.

  • Carol says

    well hillvi i hope we meet before then! besides i have another theory about heaven…you only get there when you have done all the good in one lifetime that you possibly can…i still have alot of goodness to fork out, i am sure i haven’t even come close yet to my full life potential and i did waste my first 30 years….altho, in all honesty, i am trying to make up for lost time but i am not sure it actually works that way.
    i might be back again for another go around….if so, i might pick something different then rescue!

  • jane says

    not sure i’m down with the concept of heaven.

    but i think (and could be wrong) that people who stumble and make messes and deceits were somehow broken and not taught, or able, to be proud of their very selves. and there seems to be something fearful in those folks.

    and instead of learning what it is to grow up, they stayed behind and hurt. and they can sometimes cause so much drama and damage.

    part of the mosaic.
    nobody is better or worse, just different.

    so, the reward for integrity is the love around you. and the “reward” for the cowardly and cruel is the chaos around them.

    (i think. but what do i know?)
    πŸ™‚

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