yet again, it sucks to be me.

Posted: September 10, 2008 at 5:53 am

5 am on a vacation day and i am already awake…maude woke me up at 4 am fussing and wanting god knows what. she is whining and pacing and calling for me so i go and get her and lift her up on my bed. she jumps down and wanders some more…what she wants is to go run and run and run in the field, it makes her feel that all is well as she burns off that excess energy…it is still dark and it is too early. it will drive the other dogs (and the neighbors) insane so she has to wait til renee gets here at nine which is a more reasonable time for dogs to be crazy.

i pulled oka into the kitchen so i could keep my eye on him..he quite likes his bed in here now. bet i can’t kick him out again…once in the kitchen they never leave. no more seizure activity thus far…knock on wood cuz with all the stuff around here lately i do not want to be tempting fate.

i am feeling pretty crappy about jed right now…i know all the reasons for my decision in my head. he could just have as easily died the time that mugsy took offence to him and i would have felt just as shitty back then. but then is not now, and now for me sucks, and that’s just the way that this whole decision making thing goes.

i am running scared now too. chyna goes in today. and i don’t know what to do about coco…she is going back to her owners soon, once her recovery, spay and dental are complete…but i am not sure i can carry the responsibility of her anymore. as soon as her owners said they wanted her back and the emergency clinic said they couldn’t stand by their surrender form…we were royally screwed and left holding the responsibility bag that contained one tiny chi. coco is not a saints dog…so why am i trying to treat her like she is? it is probably because i actually really care deeply for her and want to do our best…but that is neither here nor there anymore… coco is not our dog…coco needs to go home…. i am squirming this morning on that really painful responsibility hook stuck right in my chest. i can’t be responsible right now for other peoples mistakes…i have enough of my own to worry about. i don’t think i can or want to carry the worry and burden of coco-puff anymore, she is not one of the saints….except inside of me where it doesn’t count… she is one of our saints.
sucks to be scared, sucks to be doubtful, sucks to be regretful, sucks to be in rescue….pretty much it sucks to be me.

maybe i deserve all the bad karma i get. maybe i am totally wrong about myself and totally suck as a human being…that’s the rub you know….messed up people are like messed up dogs, they simply don’t know how messed up they really are….what if i am a total and freaking huge mess and that’s why my karma is so horribly bad?

i think i worry too much…i’d rather just be innocently and cluelessly stupid.

8 Comments on "yet again, it sucks to be me."

  • lynne says

    no carol, the people who suck as human beings are the people who will not take care of their animals and you get what has become of them and try your very best to help them. you have a whole lot of good karma built up. you also gave jed a second chance at life, as you do with all y;our animals. no one wants to hear you second guessing yourself you do what is in your heart for all these animals. how many of them would have been put down if not for you? everyond around you can see the kindness and goodness in you. i was laying in bed last night after i read your blog thinking about how many horrible people there are out there that desert their animals, leave them when they move, leave them at the pound or leave them on your doorstep. do these people not have a conscience? When my dog was picked up by the pound he was old. Where did he come from and did anyone even care he was missing I often wonder what kind of a life these unclaimed animals had before and if indeed they are better off at the pound at least there they have a chance i really do not have too much faith in a lot of people anymore,but after volunteering at saints i see a lot of good people. that makes me feel better see you soon.

  • Chris T says

    I have often thought that being cluelessly stupid would make it very easy to go through life. As for Coco, is there any chance that her people will change their minds? After all they did surrender her and you stepped up so she was not euthed. If it hadn’t been for you she would be gone and they would not have this choice now. Hopefully, they decide to do right by her and let you find her a home that deserves her – one where she will be cared for and not be euthed because of injuries.

    As for Jed, you did what you had to do for his quality of life. There is no way you could have known this would happen. He needed to be neutered for his own safety and his eyes had to be done for his quality of life and health. Shit happens – it just seems like you have had more than your fair share lately.

  • Lory says

    Stop kicking yourself. You hurt enough already. Jed would not want to see his beloved pack leader turning on herself.

  • Angelina says

    Carol,

    You are doing right by each and every single animal in your care. Sometimes you have to make a choice between to not so great options. Neutering and fixing Jeds eyes had to be done, for his safety and quality of life. His death is not your fault. As has been said many times it is the fault of the people who had him before he came to SAINTS. You made the best choice between to truly sucky options.

    Please dont beat yourself up about this.

  • SteveO says

    How can you have bad karma….Its called life lesons(damn no spell check)You do the best you can with the info you have….working there…I see that you do remarkable things with these animals last days….You must have it very hard getting attached to these animals…n have them pass away on a regular basis….very emotionaly draining….as far as Im conserned…CAROL U ROCK….I come from a farm where my pets go on the dinner plate…..can’t beat yurself up over it….or you’d go nuts……probibly half way there anyways(but thats what I like about u….crazy like the rest of us)….Oh PS…..I have seen other local rescues……Job well done.;…you at least give these animals dignaty for thier last days….Keep up the great work….Yur the saint round these parts

  • bridget says

    for jed, it was a risk. and, for his health and wellbeing, it was a risk worth taking. what happened was going to happen eventually- and when it did, he went quietly, in his sleep, without suffering.

    the circumstances do NOT matter.

    you’d done right by jed, and you continued to do so.

  • Carol says

    ..here is my rule on this…it is the right decision as long as it turns out exactly the way i want it to…otherwise i chose wrong.
    and OMG steve… you actually said something besides “hmmph” …watch it mr.softy is shining thru.
    i take it that crappy little trailer did not fall apart on you half way to the dump. way to go!

  • Lindsay says

    You’re burning other people’s karma. You get the white light; they get the shadows in their heads and in their hearts.

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