can’t sleep

Posted: February 7, 2009 at 1:32 am

there are currently 7 dogs crashed out on my bed…not much room for me and i was feeling squished. a normal person would remove 2 or 3 or 5 and try for a decent nights sleep…but then i am not normal. they are all quite comfortable, they have as much right to that as me…its not their fault i like to move my legs around and turn from side to side periodically.

i live in a homeless animal sanctuary…this is my home, their home…we all have to give up some things….for me, tonight, it is a comfortable nights sleep.
since i was awake anyway..i was thinking about all of the different relationships i have with each of them. some own me so deeply, others just borrow me til someone better comes along.

for some like cuddles, i am now, tonight,  the sun and the moon,( next week it will be someone else because he is going soon) for others like phoebe…i am the only person in their entire world who they can trust completely to forever be their family no matter who they happen to be.

cuddles never stops loving me, not even for a millisecond, he has devoted every single cell in his body to being with me. phoebe doesn’t really even care about loving me but she sure as heck doesn’t want me to disappear on her and leave her in the world all alone either. does she know that i will be there and watch over her til the day i die even with her most haggishness moments? does she know that to this point, no one else can or will do that for her? probably not.

or maybe she does. she is a smart cookie and she has had lots of experience with the ones who lied to her before.

i look at the horses and our relationships, esp. spritely…i think those guys know that the biggest gifts i gave them was some peace to do what they want while providing the service they like too. when spritely is sick, she looks at me differently…not so much with gratitude but with an awareness that she trusts and feels comfortable in the help that i offer to her.

living and sharing with 100 animals while totally accepting the burdens of their happiness makes for some interesting relationships…it makes for alot of sadness too.

i still see star’s concerned and bewildered face staring right at me when i walked away from her in the clinic…i know she has gone from me and by now, she knows it too.

and here is the interesting thing in all of this….when they come here…my first goal is to get them to love and trust me and for me to love and trust them too…and mostly i do.

my second goal is to someday break that trust and sever that love as they move into their permanent homes…i feel like i betrayed them momentarily but for a greater good. and i hurt at their leaving because i miss them when they go.

i told laura and lana tonight, to a certain degree it is easier for me when they die…i stood by them til the very end, i was there for them and then they are gone.

do you know how it feels to know they are out there and everything i loved about them is now in someone elses arms?…it is hard, but it is the right and good hard…not that knowing this makes it any easier.

i have had animals here that have profoundly changed my life…i have loved so very deeply and then i let that love walk out my door.

and then i have dogs like phoebe who so badly want that very same thing and she can’t have it, all she can really have is me. that hurts too because while i was enough for cuddles and for star..i am not enough for phoebe because she does not like to share.

how many animals is it now nicole, since saints first opened our doors?..how many have i lost to death? how many have i let their love go to someone else? how many are still here? and how many more are there to come?

how many different and unique relationships will both the animals and i have to build and commit to living while saints does what it does?

never mind …i added it up…i have done this almost 300 times, i have lived with and loved almost 300 animals in barely 4 years….ok, so i can probably expect at least the same  or more in the next few years….. that scares me.

i better learn to kick them out of my bed.

6 Comments on "can’t sleep"

  • Nicole says

    coming off an overnight so i’m wide awake doing surgical procedures reports. fun, fun, fun!
    carol were going to have to work on your math, it’s more that 300.

    i find it odd that our adoption/euthanasia rates were very close up until 2008 when our euthanasia rate nearly doubled that of our adoption rate.
    anyways for all the readers info here are our current stats:
    Since 2005
    96 adopted
    121 euthanized
    110 remain in saints care (includes fosters)

    total = 327 animals (atleast as we all know how i can get behind on the website updates).

    fyi, since i’m still awake right now, i won’t be out until closer to noon tomorrow.

  • lynne says

    not sure what time and even ifi can make it out sat. have my grandkids overnight unexpectedley. hop someone else reads this and can make it. i will miss stars little face peering out the outside cat run when i cime through the gates, but she so deserves to have her forever home. she has earned it. i know she was and is very special to you but she is going to a great home. easy for me to say, i know and i know how much these animals become attached to you and some really sink their way into your heart. even me pretty much only being a weekend vulunteer find it hard to leave on sunday and not take a few of them with me or all of them. since coming to volunteer at saints 2 years ago i have had my heart broken a lot . it is hard to get to know them fall in love with them and see them go. it is also hard to see them not get a home. kind of a double edged sword. like you said, it is a good hurt when you know they have their own special persom. i an rambling on too as my granddaughter got me up at 6. i hope i can make it out their sometime today as i really want to see all the animals and of course you too carol. if not have a good day and will see yyou tomorrow

  • lynne says

    sorry about all the spelling mistakes. i do not have my glasses on. there should be some way of going back into comments and correcting mistakes or deleting stupid things you say and want to take back. oh well.

  • Joan Horning says

    You all do such an incredible job at Saints. I cannot imagine how you get through every day. Losing animals who are friends, and adopting out others that you must say good bye to and wonder how they are doing…….I couldn’t do it.

    I nearly had a break down a few weeks ago when Bella (Pugsy) was so sick. I couldn’t bear the thought of losing her, and not having her little growl sessions every morning. She has been such a wonderful addition to our home. We love her so much!

    But good news to cheer you up. Bella is doing very well, and I am finally getting her insulin regulated by going to 3 meals and 3 doses per day. I have nearly worn out my glucometer trying to get this figured out.

    Her liver enzymes are still up, but she is feeling well, and eating well, and putting on a little weight. I am hopeful that she will be fine for many years to come.

    Her coming to live here, and enjoy our other pugs, and be such an important part of our family, was only possible because of all of you at SAINTS.

    thank you for saving her, and also for being strong enough to let her go.

    Joan (owned completely by Bella)

  • Carol says

    thank you joan…i am so happy to hear she is feeling better again.

  • lana says

    Thanks so much for the updates on Bella. I can still picture her crazy growling sessions..they always made us laugh. I’m so thrilled she went to such an awesome home who loves and appreciates her.

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