letting it all soak in…

Posted: May 6, 2009 at 12:36 pm

on days like today it is just so overwhelming that i feel shell shocked by the sadness here…i have been reading the comments and crying…thank you all so much for not only caring so deeply for them but for including them in this world.

so many die unknown, unloved..unrecognized for who they were….this was not the fate of the little miracle boston and mr. stiffy the dolt…lot’s of people knew them and cared about them too.

after i dropped off their bodies at the vets for their final group cremation…i went for a drive in the country and thought about asia, and butch and tony and what i try to do here too.

it doesn’t always work out…it is hard to decide if this is a bump in their road that they will overcome, or is a harbringer that death can no longer be outrun. it almost feels like a guessing game, or a game of chance…will we find another miracle or have all the miracles finally run out.

so i drove out into the valley..only as far as deroche cuz i still had to get back and give all of the morning insulins and i just let the whole past 72 hours soak in and out of my skin. i didn’t come to any conclusions..except when i drove past sarah and tawnie’s old home, i remembered sarah’s skin tearing from the weights of the matts and tawnie”s torment with her bad skin. and i saw in my mind the last picture i got of both of them asleep on the bed. they looked at peace and so comfortable.

all of the shit that goes down in rescue…the posturing, the politicking, the pushing and shoving to look like the best there is…..there is no best in rescue…there can’t be. it all is just too freaking grim.

did you know that tony arrived here on feb 20 2009…why does it seem like he was always here? butch has only been here a couple of weeks, isn’t that really weird?…i can’t remember saints without them.

i think it is because for us, this is all about them…we invite them in and they take over our world. you can’t just give your world to share and let someone fill it so full and then remember a time without them. there is never a time without them…not even after they go away.

rest in peace butch and tony..you were loved by many and will always be part of saints.

6 Comments on "letting it all soak in…"

  • Beverley Wristen says

    May God Bless you Carol. Little Tony and Butch are now in Rainbow Bridge where they have no more pain. Thank you for loving them and loving all the saints as we love you all and are always thinking of the Saints Family. This is such an important family where God is always looking down on all of you. Love you all Frank&Beverley

  • Chris T says

    I am so sorry for your losses. You are right, when they come into our lives it is hard to imagine our lives without them. I can’t even remember how long Tucker has been with us. Gemma has been there forever too as far as I can tell. We love them hard, they are all good dogs who deserve another chance at a happy life. We have now had Molly for over 2 years. Who would have believed that the little wind up, pilates princess would still be with us. She is the littlest of the little girls and she makes my heart sing.

    Thank you Carol for all the gifts SAINTS has given us!

  • Monika says

    Carol, I’m so glad I got to meet Tony and Butch on my first visit to Saints last Sunday. Never doubt that what you are doing is of extraordinary value. To provide love, security and a home to these beautiful animals is a most precious gift and makes this world a better place!
    Take care,
    Monika

  • lynne says

    you have had your share of grief lately,hope some good things happen soon. i am so sorry about butch, tony and asia. right up to the end tony had a blast, he sure loved running in the fields, but most of all he loved carol. how awesome you came into his life for his last few months. butch was a little snorting sweetheart who fit right in at saints. asia was such a beautiful cat. what a lot to handle in such a short time..again i am so sorry.

  • Deb says

    Letting go of Mabel, when I wanted to hold on to her forever, was heartbreaking. The thought of you losing three pieces of your heart in such a short period makes me weep for you, Carol.

    The SAINTS become part of you the minute they enter the sanctuary gates. Their histories are not their futures, your love and commitment to them is immediate and total. That’s why it feels as if every SAINT has been there forever.

    Asia, Tony and Butch are at rest. You are not. All I wish for you at this difficult time is what I wish for you always: peace.

  • Sarah says

    Arugh- the hard part of the job and the lovin. Butch was there for such a short time but filled everywhere he went with such personality.

    I will always remember him for cute grunts and wiggly butt!!!

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