carol in wonderland

Posted: July 16, 2009 at 2:46 pm

this whole week up to the wedding is surreal. the spa thing with the hot rock massage felt good (the facial waxing freaking HURT!) but it also felt like stepford-ville..quiet, soft voices, welcoming smiles on every face, peaceful lighting,candles burning in the corners…all for the comfort and relaxation and pleasure for you know who….in retrospect…it was creepy.

jenn called today to see if i had gone bra shopping yet…she offered to meet me at winners..(oops too late i am already home!) there is some concern among the family that i may in fact forget (or refuse) to wear a bra…and they are right to worry cuz ..i bought the Perfect don’t need a bra outfit (it has a sweater/jacket thing)….i could get away with it…but if they ask…i am screwed.

the whole hosting the before wedding night dinner has brought me close to gun shopping for my ex again…he says not everyone is vegetarian (my new daughter in law is) so he thinks he should buy a roast or a ham and cook that too.

so i have not cooked for almost 6 years..there is some concern regarding this..everyone thinks that i never did cook…but in fact i did. i have big issues tho with one of percy’s relatives on a plate or a picture perfect shot of ellie’s cousin’s butt on a platter ready to be served up for dinner.

i keep telling him to quit thinking it is vegetarian, it is not…we are having a wild salmon barbacue. it is all on how you think of it…vegetarian to meat eaters is like starvation…seafood to most is a treat.

and i am still worried about my family who i have not seen in several years, trying to pull off an intervention..if i suddenly disappear…look for the nearest animal addiction detox center..i will probably be in 5 point leather restraints in the back room under lock and key.

so it is a week of stepford self indulfgent spoiling, wearing uncomfortable and restrictive bras, having the hair on my face ripped out by the roots, wanting to commit murder on a certain father of the groom  and avoiding the loonie bin that my relatives might think will save me.

oh for my normal life…shit on my shoes, hay in my hair and my chest unfettered and able to breathe.

hopefully i can enjoy that all again….next week.

7 Comments on "carol in wonderland"

  • Lori says

    Oh Carol – I don’t know you and you bust me up laughing. I don’t think you are insane – I think you are a practical/balanced/animal loving nut.

  • Deb says

    Good luck my friend. You can do “normal” for a few days, I have faith. Just remember, you’ll be doing Mother of the Bride eventually, and I think, although I’m not certain, that Mother of the Groom is far less stressful. It’s practice, at least.

    Put your ex in a stall with Percy when he’s hungry. You won’t need a gun. 🙂

    Have fun (“fun” being a relative term, pun intended) at Eric’s wedding.

  • Anne says

    Hilarious! I have to remember the ‘ungettered’ part-paints quite a picture. Enjoy, be yourself and all too soon it will be a memory.

  • Anne says

    Uh, that would be ‘unfettered’. Got carried away with the picture part!

  • Jenn says

    First of all mother, there is no such thing as ‘normal”, there is simply what we are told is ‘normal’ … and as far as I am concerned that kind of ‘normal’ sucks: it is all about consuming crap, creating consuming units (aka families) and working 9-5 for 50 years. It is all about individualism .. ME ME ME, what is convient .. like dumping pets … all the while never living up to the unrealistic, unfulfilling expectations of normalacy: if normal is 1.5 children, marriage, house, a car, an suv, two flat screens … etc. and one low-mat. dog, then no thankyou I don’t want normal. But if normal is finding a purpose in life and making a difference … then I’m in!

    Mom what you do, helping people, helping animals, raising three children who may not be perfect but are at least honest and decent human beings who have a sense of awarness about the world and try and make a difference when they can … that is what NORMAL should be …

    2nd of all, the bra is necessary for one day because what if for instance you get too hot and take your sweater thing off, or what if the snap breaks> you are wearing a white tank top that is like 1/8mm thick … and no one wants to see your you know whats!

    3rd of all, I am never having a wedding ( I hate this capitalistic/ patriachrial ritual) … so don’t worry, by next year you will be done with weddings!

  • Carol says

    i am more concerned with being done with bra’s….you can get married (i would like jiv for a son in law), just let me dress comfortably….get married in the winter so i won’t need to take off my sweater thing!

  • Chris T says

    You have raised a wise daughter – listen to her! You know you are in trouble when they call you ‘mother.’

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