hope floats til it sinks

i think the best way to tell you this story is just to tell you about the past 24 hours and what it felt like to live it.

it started last night at bedtime when i gave daphne her 20 mgs of lasix, her 2.5 mgs of torb. and her vetmedin. it turned into a terrible night with daffy coughing and choking, trying to clear her lungs. i repeated the lasix dose at 2:30 and all of the doses at 6:30 again. by the time i left for work, she was settling but i had already decided that today was to be her end of life day.

i called the clinic first thing and booked her in for 5 pm and i checked in with angelina in the morning and came home and checked her again at noon. she was doing pretty good. i kept getting weepy spells as i was driving in between clients and i totally cut nicole off on the phone when i started again with the awful crying.

i got home from work about 3:30 and went straight in to lay down with daff on the bed. she got pretty excited at my arrival and started coughing again. i thought about how much she meant to me and what an amazing dog she was........ little miss sunshine, miss wiggle-bum, my little glow worm with a blinding flashlight of happiness shining out of her butt, and finally, her very first nick name that i gave her five years ago...little daffy duck dog, the best dog in the entire world.
daffy is a saint...total goodness...total purity and light...absolutely adorable in every way and can with just one simple daphne look from her most beautiful eyes, put a smile in my heart that will last for my entire life.

eventually i had to get up to go to the bathroom and put on my boots...it was time to get moving to make it to the clinic on time. i did not want to move...daff was sleeping quietly with her head in the crook of my arm. she was breathing easily, no coughing, no gasping, just resting in peace.

but i did move and she did wake up and start coughing again. i got her out to the car and she coughed for most of the trip into town. by the time we got to the clinic, she was excited and nervous and began coughing quite alot.

deb was there with their new puppy (and when i have more time and energy, i am stealing that freaking cute little thing) and she knew why i was there with daphne and was really kind to both her and me....kindness to me in the midst of sadness, opens up the tear ducts again. so there i sat in the clinic with daffy duck in my arms crying again, only this time in public for jeezus freaking sakes...god shoot me dead please..i am such a big baby weakling.

daffy's cough settled out as she sat on my lap and by the time we got into the exam room, she hardly coughed more than a couple of times if even that. when dave came in, the first thing i said while blinking back tears is..."i don't want to kill her unless we have to...."

i have worked with dave for almost 15 years..i bet i know exactly what he was thinking..."shit, she is crying before we have even started..this is going to suck big time."

anyway..he said something like..."ok, fine"

so he listened to her heart and he listened to her chest and he said her heart actually sounded pretty good for her but her chest was a mess. she was full of fluid again..he said maybe with huge doses of lasix we could clear it out for a week or two...or maybe not.

i put daphne down on the floor and she went straight to the door..."ok, lets go now, time to go home...come on carol, we are done here..let's get going."

dave looked at ever hopeful, bum wiggling, bright eyed daphne and he looked at me just poised on the edge of out and out weeping...
"ok, no dog deserves to die without a trial of the maximum dose of lasix."

so daffy made it thru her end of life day and i made it thru as well. i can give her 40 mgs of lasix morning and night and another 40 mgs in the middle of the night if i absolutely have to. i will bring her back in on friday with shadow for a recheck.

as we were heading out the door, i invited her to mcdonalds for a cheeseburger...dave heard us and he said " oh great, i will try to save her with drugs while you kill her with salt and grease"

hey! what is the point in living thru your death day if you can't celebrate it with micky D?
daphne totally agreed with me.