pretty damn…whatever.

Posted: June 14, 2010 at 10:42 pm

god only knows what people actually think in their heads when they travel thru here? it staggers the mind. and if i am honest i must admit that therein lies the crux of my exhaustion during the hiring process. long time readers know i struggle against the crazy stigma…the crazy cat lady, the puppy hugger, the one who must be a saint but is certainly odd.

Queen of the Damned … I mean Dogs
Carol and dogs

and it always comes down to a few simple comments…”you actually live here?” …. “all of these dogs sleep in your bedroom??”…”you really are a saint.”

ok folks..i can hear between the lines..insert crazy for saint.

and it is hard.

average and normal, everyday people could so much more accept AND respect what i do..if i lied and said i lived up in the hideaway suite (of course i would have to kick out colleen for that lie to fly very far.)

the animals would not be happy if i did really live over there but i would look better and truly more respectable if i just moved my ass out of here.

and honestly again?..sometimes i would be happier to not live with a million and half hairy (or hairless) peak frean cookie freaks. i would sometimes like to put myself to bed some nights without a bunch of bed hogging company too.

i do believe that saints only works as well as it does BECAUSE they have a human ” family” member who lives with them every day of the year. it may not be ideal in any sense of the term but it is a helluva lot better than the alternative, which is they are alone in a human-less building for 12 hours or more a night….they might as well be in a kennel somewhere.

AND i did not create all of these homeless old animals….normal, average, every day folks did that all on their own….all i did was try to pick up the peices on a bunch of tossed away lives.

half of my head gets this fact very well…the other half gets all freaky over strangers walking thru my life every day of the year.

i have never desired sainthood…i do not crave to be any animal whispering guru…i really don’t want to be the god of broken animal rescue….and i do not want to be crazy or weird or odd or eccentric either.

and so what do i do?…i live in a god damn fishbowl where anyone can see right in…how freaking stupid is that? 

the animals don’t have to deal with this…everyone thinks they are not only pretty damn cute but pretty damn lucky too. the staff and the volunteers don’t have to deal with it either..they all go home at the end of the day.

this one is my cross to carry and some days that cross is pretty damn heavy..like during open houses, tours, national television interviews, and when looking for someone to replace angelina. (who is pretty damn irreplaceble)

someone once told me (and they were a total idiot) that it was not the end result that was important…it actually was the process that was the most important thing. that is such bullshit..the end result is what IS…the process is just what may or may not be.

who gives a shit about maybe’s….i want to get back to what is…and then i won’t worry so much about crazy because there really is nothing crazy about either them or me….well…except for phoebe, reggie and kodi…i do believe that crazy is floating pretty damn close to those three.

14 Comments on "pretty damn…whatever."

  • Louise says

    Average and normal is just that, a bit boring right? You on the other hand are certainly not! I looked up the definition of “saint” and it is, ideal: model of excellence or perfection of a kind; one having no equal. I wish I had the courage and strength to be more like you and follow your heart for the animals.

  • I actually do think it’s about process and not the end because when you focus on process you focus on the NOW and not some mythical, imaginary future which might or might not happen. When you consider the process, your thinking is geared to what is needed NOW; it’s what we can do NOW that is most important & in so many ways, all that we can really control.

    Obviously we have to think about the future too & how our actions today will play out tomorrow, but thinking about process v. outcome is very grounding to me.

  • wendy says

    maybe you are crazy, but it’s a good crazy..it’s hard to feel judged ( even if it’s by pepole who don’t understand, so then who gives a shit what they think anyway) but you can’t let it make you doubt yourself, it should be the norm where people help and heal lost hearts, bodies, and souls everyday. maybe froto wouldn’t mind sharing his trailer with you ever so often.

  • Carol says

    interesting point…i wonder if it has to do with our dominant parts of the brain…i focus on the outcome because then i can clearly see what i want and work towards getting there.
    you are right tho…sometimes the outcome is different than what i was thinking but it then does become the reality so i just deal with that outcome reality.

    i really hate the middle, getting there ground, too much uncertainity and stress of the unknown for me….some folks are adventurers…they like the challenge of an actual round about gypsy-like journey…i however am a train on a track with a strict schedule and a pocket watch (clocking how much working-life minutes i have left to reach my actual goal)…i know where i am going, my track is laid out and i prefer things not get in my way and mess up my inner driven rescue-mission to-be-acomplished timetable.

    you do have to be careful of “the process” tho…a lot of good work gets lost in the process and never accomplished..it drops by the way side of interesting ideas…just lookk at the mess of our health care system.

  • Marie Bellemare says

    Carol, once I heard you say (in one of the video you were talking) and my feeling was similar too, you were talking about the animals, saying that it’s not the death that’s important but the time they live until the moment they are ready to pass… (I said it in my own words here but that’s what your message was about) and as I read your post just now, the way that I feel is that we have goals and that’s important (to look at a direction and visualize where we’re heading), but the present is all that we have now… I find that when I am in my present is when I have access to peace within and know exactly “what to do now” how to proceed… having a dream (a goal) yes, for sure, of course !!! and I do have my dream of the “Home of the Golden Years Dog Pack” but thinking of how to get there too much brings me stress – to me, anticipation is poison… my dogs taught me to live the present moment fully… I’m pretty sure you do too Carol…
    ok just felt like sharing… (o; sending good vibes to all SAINTS

  • Kim says

    I agree with Hornblower (Love your name, by the way… too funny). It’s the journey that matters. What is the END, anyways? I don’t really think that there is an END. Everything is a cycle. I am a gypsy in my soul. Could care less about “tomorrow”… well- I DO care, but not overly, cause I’m not there, yet. I once traveled with a carnival. That was packing up and moving every day. Each day a new experience. There was something very cool in that to me. Anyhow, you DO have a lot on your plate, Carol, and I am not trying to disregard that. But, remember that there are a lot of people that have your back. You are not alone. Jeez, if I don’t walk the dogs even one day because it’s raining, I worry about them all day… are they stressed? Is Doris shaking with anxiety? Is Yoshi staring at the door? Waiting. Even when I’m not there I am carrying those guys in my thoughts.

  • Tammy says

    Whoa! Phoebe is a gifted soul and simply misunderstood most of the time.
    Crazy floated right past her and never looked back.

  • Mauro Salles says

    To me the statements of Carol and Hornblower are equivalent, because I believe that everything in life (in nature) ends and restarts continuously, ie, everything can be interpreted as a “beginning”, an “end” or a process composed of several “beginnings” and “ends”. Playing a little bit, “beginning” and “end” of what? Of a “process”? Who came first, the chicken or the egg?

    Our concrete mind has to sort, measure and recognize everything, and this is a powerful tool for learning (and teaching), since we are mindful of the terrible trap: do not reject what does not fit in a predefined scheme (“processe”), because there is a chance to learn … and create another schema. Duh … I know it’s ridiculous, but things happen that way, even if we do not like it.

    In practice, speaking of animals, you (Carol) can describe in detail how you take care of them. But face it, will always be a poor and incomplete description, though potentially useful for teaching a “newbie”, or to exchange ideas with someone who does something similar. Who acts with true wisdom “thinks primarily with the heart” and this is your case, even if you do not enjoy reading or hearing this kind of thing. It’s too late …

  • Colleen Donnelly says

    You know you are not *crazy*. And more people than you can ever imagine know you are not *crazy*. The people that really mean to insert *crazy* when they said *saint* just don’t get IT yet. And if they don’t get it after a tour it is sad to think they may never get it.

    You are one of a small pool of people in this weird world who think and are unique.

    You do what you do, because you know you must. Because it’s possible.

    And you’re grounded. Lots of folks could have gone whack job hoarding, or whack job *la de da…I AM a Saint!* Everyone that knows you, knows you are just fine and dandy!

  • lynne says

    at the end of the day are you happy carol i would think that is all that matters.it is hard sometimes to deal with so many animals, i know because i have 4 and sometimes they drive me nuts. you are who you are and thank god for the animals that you are who you are. i really could not do it but they are so lucky to have you you are doing a great job and your reward is looking into their faces and seeing their love for you. what a great feeling. do not stop what you do and we will always be there to help you along. love you lots.

  • emma says

    I think Lynne said it all and now I’m crying……

  • Carol says

    i would like to point out that tammy did not stick up for reggie or kodi!

  • wendy says

    i didn’t mean a derogatory `crazy’ carol i just ment to the people who don’t understand they might term you that way..but to me , you are a person to behold because you live what is above the norm, you live with hope, kindness and love, and so, let those ones who don’t understand try and call you whatever …some might say you’re crazy to think this dog has a valuable life left,or will ever be able to bond(for example)(but you know better)..the point is you believe in what you are doing and so do alot of people because they know you and what a remarkable thing it is are accomplishing everyday,i am grateful that i able to be a witness. i’d rather be considered crazy because i think a little differently than others ( especially if it is out of love, hope,understanding ,generosity) than ‘normal’ and never having the moments that ‘crazy’ brings…you and all who are termed as not the norm should take pride in being so….you’re difference is your gift.

  • MaryK says

    Oh, I dunno. I like dogs more than most people I know. So living with dogs (& the other animals) all day sounds pretty good to me.

    Besides, no matter what some people think, you’re obviously making a difference to the animals. That’s all that counts.

    And if everyone got to live out their passion in life, wouldn’t this be a better world?

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