rescue itself is a long series of selfish actions

Posted: June 29, 2010 at 7:15 pm

you have to be incredibly selfishly determined to go to the wall time and time again to help animals in need. you make your human and animal friends and family’s pay part price..you make them participate because it is that or they won’t have any part of you at all.

rescuers are not saints, we are  kamakazi pilots in the battle against misery. ..it sucks to be one of our loved ones because we do fly solo into the night.

when i got home today…the dogs were really happy to see me. i did not get home for lunch and was gone for about 10 hours…i think they did not like that much. molly and caspar did their happy dance, bibi was beaming happily at me and even esther actually got off her bed to come and say hello.

i did the diabetics up early cuz i need to do them again at 0530 and it is a good thing i did because lincoln and o ‘grady had gotten into tu and thumpers pen and thumper was sporting a bloody nose. i have to say that lincoln is turning into a bully bunny and should stay in his own home.

and this is the day to day addictive life of rescue to me.

i know i am very good at the rescue thing…but since tyra’s death i am thinking i am almost too good. why do i have to push myself and those around me to the n’th degree to rescue as many as i possibly can?

..maybe i wouldn’t feel so guilty about her life long bond with me if i wasn’t such a freaking  down and dirty, born again and ultimately incredibly selfish,  rescuer.

it sucks to be a train on the fast track when the ones you love, drop by the wayside along the way.

there is a part of me that is desperate to go into every shelter and find myself another tyra of my own to love. and i will not do it again..i gave up that right when i chose to go this deep into rescue and i should have thought of that while she was still alive.

maude and daphne came to saints of others accord but i can never seek out another and make her come here because of my selfish and screamingly empty need.  tyra was my dog..not one of my  rescue dogs..i went and adopted her from a shelter for our family companion when she was a puppy.

i did not know what that meant to me til she was gone….she was never a burden i felt the need to help, she was my chosen, very own dog.

and it so sucks to be able to think of these things…if i could just be stupid and not think so deep….maybe i could convince myself to find another life long friend for me.

ahhh tyra, you have ruined a big part of the selfish me.

5 Comments on "rescue itself is a long series of selfish actions"

  • Lynne & Scott (and Spot, of course) says

    My opinion…you deserved the joy that Tyra gave you. You have earned the right to pick the dog for YOU rather than the dog that you feel compelled to rescue because of their dire situation. I’m sure Tyra had a very happy 14 years and I’m certain you should have that again.

  • lynne says

    do you really feel like the other animals are burdens. i dont think so.and i know you feel a terrible sadness that she was your own special dog and she had to share you with others, but that is the choice you made and as you told me over my horrible guilt about copper that eventually you have to let it go. i think it is way too soon for you and what the hell do i know. i am only up there on weekends and have no right to preach at you i am still grieving my own dog and it has been almost 4 years i think the pain never ever goes away. i still can not talk about him without welling up with tears. you will never replace tyra but you still have enough love for all the other lost souls that you have taken in. for a change be kind to yourself.

  • Colleen B says

    There are many words I’d use to describe you. Selfish is not one of them. Please, please accept the beautiful life you gave to Tyra and give yourself some of the same forgiveness you so openly give to everyone else.

  • Poppy says

    If you decided to seek out another dog for yourself I and many others, I am sure, would support that decision as being a good one.

    You may have dedicated your life to Saints but that does not hold you back from loving and cherishing what YOU want out of life Carol.

    Perhaps you SHOULD hold off on further Saints rescues for the time being. Concentrate on what blessed animals you have and continue to do the wonderful things you do for them. In the past month or so you have sounded rather stretched thin, stressed and saddened. 🙁 Worriesome really.

    Perhaps time to take a step back and deal with what you have now?

    Hugs to you. And again so sorry for your great loss.

  • Sheila says

    I sent message privately to Carol but after reading this post and the responses this post is getting I thought I would actually post a part of my emai that I sent to Carol here

    “When we came down the day before the open house I thought Tyra looked older and I selfishly wondered how you would handle her passing – selfishly because I for some reason relate Patrick to Tyra. Although we have a much much more smaller scale of dogs going through our home we are always conscience that we often ask Patrick to take a back seat… and yet he is loved the most. And I know you have often said this to me about Tyra and so I have always connected the two. I knew when you lost her it would be like us loosing Patrick … the loss of her presence would be huge for you and I can see from the blog I was right.

    And Carol even though I will not even on my last dying breath admit that I even come close to being a rescuer – I get what you are saying and I do understand why you use the word “selfish”

    PS Patrick is a dog.

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