my eyes are closely watching….

Posted: October 24, 2010 at 8:47 am

perdy and maude….i am starting to wonder about both of them. and while i care deeply for perdy..she is not my maude so i am looking at perdy a little more clearly.

perdy is becoming frustrated by her disability….the effort her weakeness costs her is starting to wear her down…she is starting to lose weight, it is hard for her to settle and her quality of life just isn’t that good…at best we are maintaining her at a slow down hill slide….she isn’t having any fun any time anymore. for some dogs this is ok…they just quietly seek out a bed to comfortably rest as the days go by…but perdy is not that kind of dog…she wants to run and run…she is a not a passive living kind of dog.

 

maude is twisting me…..while she still runs around the fields each day and she still shoves her head  between all of our knees and she still can find every single canned cat food bowl to steal…these things only happen when she is alert and concentrating…the rest of the time she staggers, she circles, she can’t even decide how  to make herself move.

it is like maude has a switch inside her that turns on and off the 18 year old dog…it is like she gives herself a battery surge and then it sputters out and once again she is frail and lost. i don’t know what to make of it….this ability she has to jump start herself for a few minutes several times a day. but the jump starts only last for a very brief period and then she is ancient, frail and demented again.

and it is those hours of truly ancient dementia that saddens me as i watch this dog i don’t know…unsure and vulnerable in her shadow world…..it is the shining bright maudie, the master of her universe that i used to know.

there is something so sad in seeing a fighting dog fading away in the shadows of really extreme old age…especially one that you love with all of you heart.

i have lost most of my old friends now…..wilbur, bill, tally, cleo, mugsy, lexi, copper, daffy duck dog,  tyra…i just have maudie left of the old ones that i fully gave away my heart to…and of course little daphne..the new younger generation of dog to break my heart one day.

so when the time comes…maude will be harder than perdy for me. for perdy i will be able to decide what is best for her…maudie will get tied up in what is best for her and how much is it going to hurt me.

i think perdy will get the better deal from me.

12 Comments on "my eyes are closely watching…."

  • Linda says

    What sad and difficult choices you make every day for the saints. Having had a dal, I know they don’t give up easily. In the end you’ll do what is right for each and every one of them.

  • francesca Wilson says

    Dear Carole, Marie and I will be at SAINTS on Wednesday to clean barns and fields. Take care.
    francesca

  • Charlotte says

    Like everyone I don’t envy you the decisions you’re forced to make on such a regular basis.

    I’ve had a few, myself, that I KNEW (in retrospect) that I forced them to exist too long. At the time, my mind was always clouded with the thought of the house (and my life) without them. And each time that’s happened, I swear to myself that Next Time, I’ll pick the Right Time. Of course more often than not there IS no Right Time. So hard to know, without being able to ask them, if they’re ready to go.

    I will say, though, that when *my* time comes (providing it’s legal by then, Please God), those around me are able to recognize when I’m not having fun anymore, and don’t force me to hang on just because they’ll miss me. A hypocritical hope, since I have such a hard time doing that for the dogs & cats in my care!

  • Carol Ann says

    charlotte’s comment is right on– i just had to make the decision for my old dog last month. it is never easy but you have to trust your ownjudgement. I think in the end we are pretty close to being right.It is very difficult cause they can’t talk. I always go by the look in their eyes it speaks volumes.

  • suzanne says

    I don’t envy you this at all. I have lost 5 since 2002. two were easy… the were Pug littermates, both 13 years old, and both had Mast Cell cancer. When they became “uncomfortable” (like when it was coursing through their lymphatic systems), I sent them on. The three Shelties were a whole lot harder… one had bladder cancer, and I kept him here too long because I couldn’t imagine life without him. Another had devastating Inflamatory Bowel Disease. I kept her here waaaaay too long… treking her from vet to vet to vet school desperately hoping one of them would be able would be able to diminish the toll the disease was taking on her then 13 year old body. Because I had kept the two of them going longer than I should have, I fear I let the last one go too soon simply because I didn’t want to make the same mistake with him that I had made with them. He was 15, had developed a grade 4 heart murmer, was in the midst of what the vet euphamistically called a “bleeding event” and was having difficulty breathing. But he was still eating up a storm. I was told that he would not survive the anesthesia/surgery needed to fix what was wrong with him and I could either take him home and watch him try to breathe, or I could send him on. It REALLY SERIOUSLY sucks.

  • Brenda says

    On a different note: I really think we should change Bambi’s name – It just doesn’t suit her. Carol and I were talking about it today. The shelter named her before she came to SAINTS. I’m thinking maybe Betty, Connie, or even Dinah or Blanche? What do you think? Anything would be better than Bambi- even “Thumper” suits her more.
    It was great having a couple of extra volunteers (Ashley and Linda) along with the regulars today – lots of dogs had baths and some extra grooming too – and loads of attention for everyone!

  • Carol says

    i have to admit…i kind of like Thumper for her!

  • Brenda says

    I kind of like Thumper too! She certainly has the body form of a Thumper, rather than a Bambi! Whatever you choose is fine – as long as she loses the name Bambi.

  • Laura says

    We already have a Thumper…..how about Fancy…she like the girl in the song came from humble beginnings but she will overcome!

  • Brenda says

    What about Fanny – from Funny Girl? – cuz she is kind of a funny looking girl. I’m not sure she’s a Fancy. By the way Laura, the sweater you put on her looked really cute. I’m assuming it was you.

  • Leila says

    I googled the lyrics to the song FANCY because I didn’t know what song Laura was referring to. For anyone who is interested, here are the lyrics – kind of a sad song.

    I remember it all very well lookin’ back
    It was the summer I turned eighteen
    We lived in a one room, rundown shack
    On the outskirts of New Orleans
    We didn’t have money for food or rent
    To say the least we were hard pressed
    Then Mama spent every last penny we had
    To buy me a dancin’ dress

    Mama washed and combed and curled my hair
    And she painted my eyes and lips
    Then I stepped into a satin’ dancin’ dress
    That had a split from the side clean up to my hip
    It was red velvet trim and it fit me good
    Standin’ back from the lookin’ glass
    There stood a woman where a half grown kid had stood

    She said here’s your one chance Fancy don’t let me down
    She said here’s your one chance Fancy don’t let me down

    Mama dabbled a little bit of perfume on my neck
    And she kissed my cheek
    Then I saw the tears wellin’ up in her troubled eys
    As she started to speak
    She looked at a pitiful shack and then she looked at me and took a ragged breath
    She said your Pa’s runned off and I’m real sick
    And the baby’s gonna starve to death

    She handed me a heart shaped locket that said
    “To thine own self be true”
    And I shivered as I watched a roach crawl accross
    The toe of my high heeled shoe
    It sounded like somebody else that was talkin’
    Askin’ “Mama what do I do?”
    She said just be nice to the gentlemen Fancy
    They’ll be nice to you

    She said here’s your one chance Fancy don’t let me down
    Here’s your one chance Fancy don’t let me down
    Lord forgive me for what I do,
    But if you want out, well it’s up to you
    Don’t let me down now, your Mama’s gonna move you uptown

    Well, that was the last time I saw my Ma
    When I left that rickety shack
    The welfare people came and took the baby
    Mama died and I ain’t been back
    But the wheels of fate had started to turn
    And for me there was no way out
    And it wasn’t very long ’til I knew exactly
    What my Mama’d been talkin’ about

    I knew what I had to do and I made myself this solemn vow
    That I’s gonna be a lady someday
    Though I didn’t know when or how
    But I couldn’t see spending the rest of my life
    With my head hung down in shame you know
    I might have been born just plain white trash
    But Fancy was my name

    She said here’s your one chance Fancy don’t let me down
    She said here’s your one chance Fancy don’t let me down

    It wasn’t long after that benevolent man
    Took me in off the street
    And one week later I was pourin’ his tea
    In a five room hotel suite

    I charmed a king, congressman
    And an occasional aristocrat
    Then I got me a Georgia mansion
    In an elegant New York townhouse flat
    And I ain’t done bad

    Now in this world there’s a lot of self-righteous
    hippocrates
    That would call me bad
    And criticize Mama for turning me out
    No matter how little we had

    But though I ain’t had to worry ’bout nothin’
    For nigh on fifteen years
    I can still hear the desperation in my poor
    Mama’s voice ringin’ in my ear

    Here’s your one chance Fancy don’t let me down
    O Here’s your one chance Fancy don’t let me down
    Lord, forgive me for what I do
    But if you want out well it’s up to you
    Now don’t let me down
    You Mama’s gonna move you uptown

    I guess she did

    Song Writer: Bobbi Gentri
    Singer: Reba McEntire

  • Carol says

    as much as i am not fond of the name bambi…she is used to it now…she was in the shelter for a few weeks and she knows bambi means her because she was a staff favorite there. no point in confusing her again with another name when she is just learning the new one she already has….not much is too familiar to her right now…at least she kind of knows who she is.

    i just have decided she actually looks more like a dumpling then a mushroom….whatever…renee says she dances for food!

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