i am discombobulated tonight

Posted: October 27, 2010 at 10:20 pm

the animals are all settled and sleeping, except for dee..tonight she is leaking tons of urine where ever she lays and she is constantly at the water buckets, drinking them dry. i am going to up her insulin to 10 units twice a day til i get her into the vets for a blood sugar curve. Β she is distressed by the volume of leaking…it is such a huge amount…she can’t NOT notice how much is pouring out….poor girl. unfortunately her previous family was unable to invest financially in helping her to reach good control…so the vets pretty much guessed on a starting dose for her and there has been no further follow up to see if the dose was correct or not. it looks like to me that her vision and kidneys are starting to fail from the poorly controlled disease. and this is so sad and unfortunate because the resulting damage really is totally unnecessary.

there are somethings with aging animals that really need good and consistent vet follow up. diabetes is one of them… you cannot really manage it with guessing….you need the blood sugar curves.

anyway…i have just given her, her third dry bed for the night and right now she is sleeping until she starts leaking again.

this whole rescue thing is such a conflict sometimes..you do it because you want to feel good by helping to improve animals lives but sometimes you just feel more sad or angry or frustrated or frightened than you ever feel good cuz there are so many things to feel sad or angry or frustrated or afraid of…..so what do you do???

i have no idea..sometimes i just close the door on the petty and stupid stuff that always pops up in rescue…sometimes i throw that same door wide open and scream in childish rage. sometimes i try to distract myself from the hard stuff focusing on something a bit easier. sometimes i work hard to make things better…sometimes i take a break to catch my breath. sometimes i get too deep in self reflection and worry myself right down into a deep hole and sometimes i get tired of being down in the hole and turn off my head and pull myself back up.

so tonight i sit on that fence line, trying to decide which way i should go……up, down, right, left, forward, back or just stay where i am at this moment.

if you want to know what is the hardest part of doing rescue? it is simply stumbling along without a road map, without a guide and without a single roadside sign…it is putting one foot in front of the other while always unsure if you are even on the right road..

maybe this isn’t just about rescue, maybe this is really about living in general. i want some kind of celestrial guardian angel to fly on down here and tell me to either relax, you are doing just fine or hey little traveller..you might want to consider going this way instead!

do you think any of us will ever know if we travelled the right road? won’t it just totally suck to finish our lives either not knowing at all or when it’s too late to switch to a better way?

and why do the animals not worry about this…why are they all sleeping so soundly tonight? i want whatever peace or certainty that they have in their heads….plus…. daphne!!! just like dee here…tonight i would really like Β to come into my room and find a dry bed!

5 Comments on "i am discombobulated tonight"

  • They say the definition of a midlife crisis is you get to the top of the ladder and realize it’s against the wrong wall! I don’t think you have to worry about this Carol, seems to me you are doing what you were born to do…take care of the vulnerable and you do it with grace and charm, even when you’re struggling so I hope you can pace yourself and stay the course, difficult though it so often is.

  • Jenn Hine says

    I think when you take a step back and look at your life and all that you have achieved–raised three well-rounded children, been an amazing registered nurse; and done a lot in the “rescue” world you should be proud. People will always judge and criticize you because they are insecure with their own lives and may not have accomplished much themselves and so feel better by pointed at others faults. But really it is your life and all you need if your own validation. I love you and everything that you have done and do.

    Your family, your career and your rescue: these are thinsg that YOU created and nurtured and they have flourished. WELL DONE!

  • Susan says

    I am always amazed at the things you do. You will think I’m crazy but I want to open my own animal sanctuary. People think I’m nuts but I’ve been ‘called’ to this my whole life (I can’t NOT do it, I have to, besides there aren’t many of us who will take the unwanted/stinky/kind of icky/ill ones). A place for them to just ‘be’ and be loved for the beautiful creatures that they are!!!! Right now I am the guardian of a geriatric terror mix, a wobbly cat and a blind cat(who are brother and sister, only a year old, born with other deformaties as well) I again, I sound crazy but when I’m having a really hard day at work I read your blog. I love the pictures and reading your stories or thoughts. I think you are wonderful and the work you do is invaluable!!!! To SOOOOO many!!!!!
    When your heart feels like it’s breaking and you can’t take any more stress and worry just remember that there are many of us out there who truly are amazed by you and are in your corner cheering you on!
    Love is only something when you give it away and baby you do just that!!!
    THANK YOU CAROL and all the wonderful staff and volunteers for the very needed work that you do!!!!!

  • Carol Ann says

    AMEN TO THE COMMENTS Carol you have alot of people behind you but we need someone like you to look up to and follow. Most of us could not do what you do but I for one am happy that I can help in a small way. By the way HAROLD IS GREAT!!! We will both see you on the weekend.

  • Elisabeth says

    I echo Susan and other comments. Carol – I read your blog regularly and am moved almost daily by the work you do and the gift you give these animals. I would love to be able to physically help more animals but my current life doesn’t allow me time for that kind of life. Perhaps at some later point in my life when my young family don’t need so much of my time, I will be able to devote more of me to the kind of work you do. You have many, many cheering you on!

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