thru the camera lens....

i can see that gideon's three various bowls from supper last night are not empty.

i can see that raven's head has finally come up and the eating machine has finished eating (he ran out of food!)

i can see that ziggy is probably still asleep cuz the lights are still off.

and i can see that czar and flicka are awake and patiently waiting for the day to start.

i cannot believe how much peace of mind and yet sadness i have at night now that i can easily moniter the barn.

still there is a downside to this..i can see gideon and what he is not eating. i can see how thin and frail he is becoming and worry and feel incredibly sad as i watch him each night.

don't know what will happen here...he did this before and he turned it around and put back on some weight. i can still see that bright, wise sparkle of interest in life his eyes and his determination to live each day his way. he really is a stubborn old guy.

gideon embraced the retirement rule here...his retirement meant that this is now HIS life. we are allowed to share it, we are allowed to participate in it but he is the one who gets to direct it, it is after all his life.

and so i wait and i watch thru my eyes during the day and the camera lens at night and i wait for his decision to be made. as long as he is content, he can take all the time that he wants.

cuz here is the thing...this is gideon's journey..it does not belong to me. my job is to provide eveything he might need on his journey, his right is to decide if he needs or wants any of those things.

i think sometimes it is a decision all ancient creatures make..to fight forward or to slow down and let go.

the difference between emaciated horses like gideon and raven is...gideon has the choice to eat or not and right now, he just is not all that interested in food. raven did not have that choice in the home he was seized from because his owners for whatever reason did not ensure he had enough food.

so what will this camera lens bring me in the days and weeks to come? will i see raven growing plumper and stronger and gideon slowly fading away from us all?

the yin and the yang of life here...the renewed beginning and the quiet ending?

today they both break my heart.

raven should never have been hungry in his lifetime and i so wish gideon will be hungry and want to eat today.