life is still sucking.

Posted: January 8, 2013 at 8:55 am

this life is such a freaking struggle. every day i get twisted and turned and bent all out of shape to meet the needs of this rescue. for being the primary 24/7 slave to saints, i don’t ask a lot in return…the privacy of my very own, not for public use, bathroom and not to have what little peace there is here disrupted in the evenings or early mornings.
that’s all i ask for..i don’t ever really consistently get it ..but whatever..i try.

i can live with all of the daily headaches surrounding water here..dried up wells, empty tanks, little to no water pressure..no hot water left for me at night. i don’t like it but i can live with it if it means the animals have clean bedding and floors.

i can deal with being invaded and surrounded and buffetted every single day by many human questions, concerns, thoughts, ideas, opinions, wants and needs, some days i handle it better than others but i do the best that i can.

i can somehow push my way thru the bullshit of people, the pain of loving and living with and then losing the animals, my own second thoughts, doubts, guilts and regrets and keep doing what i committed to do.

i just don’t know if i can keep going with all of it without smoking…i used it as my crutch to get thru. every time a human or an animal pushed me to the point of losing it..i took myself out, sat down for a few minutes and had a smoke. this is my 40 year coping skill…time out, quick smoke then back at it again.

today i can smoke again…all of the testing is done. my doctors office has already called to come in and go over some of the results (i am betting on my chlolesterol level is a concern.)
today it becomes a bit more about choice then have to.
it is just that i feel so miserable…i just want to smoke and feel like myself once again.

if i didn’t do rescue i wouldn’t need to smoke so badly and if i didn’t do rescue i wouldn’t need to quit so badly either.

this whole fucking thing just totally sucks either way.

14 Comments on "life is still sucking."

  • hilary says

    Hi Carol,

    To add to your *things to do*…..as if you don’t have enough!

    Don’t forget to remind everyone that the Shelter Challenge is running again and SAINTS will be able to win this time if everyone votes!

    Thanks
    Hilary

  • shelagh f says

    good luck whatever way you decide. My husband quit
    years ago, from 2 pack/day and he said it was the
    hardest thing he has ever done in his life, but
    worth the effort.
    (As an aside, should be more apples in fridge)

  • Chris T says

    As a former smoker I can tell you that this will pass once you quit smoking. Physiologically nicotine is a stimulant so it really doesn’t calm you down. Likely what soothes you is the alone time where you just get to breathe for a moment.

    I quit cold turkey after smoking for 12 years. It was damn hard but it has kept me quit for over 20 years. You can do it Carol.

  • Most people change only when not changing becomes more problematic than changing. As with any coping mechanism that ruins your health over time, a crisis is required to get your attention. You believe smoking helps you and this belief (plus your physical addiction to nicotine) is the problem. You see smoking as a reward, one small thing you do for yourself, but it is unconsciously self-destructive and threatens your quality of life. Those of us who love you from afar want you to take better care of yourself so that you can enjoy the life you’ve worked so hard for (and not have to carry an oxygen tank around with you) but until you see smoking as the insidious dream killer that it is, and not your friend; the best temporary solution to high stress levels, it will be very difficult to quit.

  • Sandi says

    Perhaps it would help change the perspective on the issue of smoking/not smoking for you if you pictured the disarray that would be left at SAINTS and how it would affect the animals you care so passionately for if you died suddenly due to the health issues caused and/or aggravated by smoking? Sometimes a strong enough reason to make a change eases the process…

    And, of course, being the strong and intelligent woman that you are, you’ve already thought of all the points that are being made here.

  • Fiona says

    It is incredibly hard to quit smoking. The only suggestion I have for this is find a replacement for time spent smoking. Go for a walk with the dogs or by yourself, bike, read a book but try to find something that is rewarding to you. Smoking takes alot of time out of people’s lives, of course depends on how much you smoke. Also really helps if you avoid smokers for awhile. You know all the health risks but know that we all care about you and want you to healthy and reasonably happy πŸ˜‰

  • Sheila says

    Oops sorry I had that little meltdown on you about Joe yesterday.

  • Bev says

    I quit almost 3 yrs ago. I still want to smoke every once in awhile but it passes. It was the hardest thing I ever did. I took Campix (spelling?) I also took to eating. Everything. skittles worked for me only because I can eat one at a time and they are small. The first couple of weeks suck big time. But if you cheat at it, it only extends it. but it gets better the longer you do it.

  • Cathy says

    It is my understanding that the patches work in a way that gradually wean you off nicotine. I also believe that they are available free of charge. Just a thought. I agree with the earlier comments regarding what would happen to Saints and all the animals contained therein should your health fail significantly.

  • dawn says

    Carol,
    I wanted and tried so many times over the 15 years I smoked to quit. I failed everytime, which I think just makes it harder the next time you try. I finally had success with hypnotherapy, I wanted to quit and I really do think that helped. Please consider that as an option, I would be happy to put you in contact with the man who helped me.

    Anyways Carol, we all love you and support you no matter what happens. Please do call me if you need help with anything, I am availble most evenings to do pick ups and such…I know you are the primary and the buck stops with you but ask when you need help and you may be surprised what happens.

    P.John and Trudy send their love and suppport with lots of sloppy dog kisses your way. I know for a fact they are very gratefull you got into rescue.

  • Ann C says

    I quit smoking cold turkey years ago after smoking non stop for 16 years, I went to a self help place that had a course for 7 days to get you through that first week. One of the the things they said was “imagine people from another planet coming here and what they would think when they saw people rolling dried leaves in paper, setting fire to it and then putting it in their mouth and inhaling it!” It puts the whole process in perspective and I have always found the image amusing. You have a good sense of humour Carol so when you fancy a ciggy envision yourself explaining to the alien what you are doing and p.s.I don’t need any cute comeback!!!!LOL Good luck you can do it.

  • Nancy says

    Sounds like you need a quiet place to escape to (understandably) – like Phoebe and her Zen Den.

    Seriously though, my dad died of lung cancer caused by smoking at a relatively young age. My children never got a chance to meet him. Which breaks my heart everyday as I see bits of him in them, especially my son who resembles him in looks and mannerisms. But I can only show them old photos of their grandpa, they’ll never get to talk to him.

    I know as moms, we tend to everyone else’s wellbeing ahead of our own, but maybe if you see what your smoking does from your children or grandchildren’s eyes it might help. I hope so.

    Besides, think of how much better the Bailey’s would taste if you didn’t smoke…….

  • Leila says

    I have to say I got a chuckle out of Lori Paul’s comment about Carol dragging an oxygen tank around with you. I suddenly got a picture of Carol running around with an oxygen tank saving animals. I have a weird sense of humour.

  • Janey says

    Champix for the win. (Unless it makes you suicidal like the 3x I tried it). But has helped so many. Another is the anti-depressant Wellbutrin. If you feel the need to keep smoking start taking them, within 10 days the ‘hit’ you get from smoking will be long gone and all you get is the stinky smell, cost and damage from the cigs, and an easier time of letting go of an old but asshole of a friend πŸ˜‰ Also google The Quit Net, online free support. Worked for me.

    But yeah, I hear you. Until YOU are ready to make the change we are all preachin’ to the choir πŸ™‚

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