thinking about other stuff...besides actual problems.

tammy said something interesting while we were out for lunch yesterday...she said it took her the first few months here before she understood that I could be standing right in front of her but not really there. that while physically I was present, mentally I was really somewhere else, figuring out stuff. I am glad she learned not to take it personally..it is just the way it is. i am not going to make excuses, the fact of the matter is...I have a lot of stuff going on in my head. there are some really talented multi-faceted brain folks who can shift gears, turn focus on and off as needed..i am not one of them. when i am working out a problem, unless there is a crises to bump me out of it, i stay put inside my head until the problem is solved.

the issue lately, in fact most of this year, is the problems inside my head are taking over almost all available space. it seems like this year has been more mind boggling than most, not sure if it is coincidence with just an extra load of problems or if there is something i am doing wrong. or maybe as i am aging, i just cannot figure out stuff as efficiently as i used to. i do not know, i just know i am problem solving some issue almost constantly now.

i think this is the most burdensome part of rescue. i am not just responsible for the animals in my care, i am not just responsible for the effective and ethical running of saints, i am responsible for how the people around me feel about me...are they or are they not comfortable.

its weird because as a nurse, i can totally zoom in and focus clearly on my patients. it does not take any effort at all to help them feel important and valued. and i can do it just as easily with each animal here, they are all tuned into 911 on my antenna. i do not know why i cannot seem to do the same with the people around here, but i will hazard a guess.

i think i see everyone here as an extension of me, taking care of the animals, taking care of saints..everyone in some way is a part of me and so i take them for granted just like i do my arms and legs.

it is sort of a backwards compliment in an odd sort of way. i trust them enough that i do not have to focus on what they are doing because i already know they are safe. they are not one of my many problems to be solved.

however, i am learning this universal assumption can sometimes backfire on me in so many various and interesting ways.

waking up (and paying attention) is hard to do but I am going to try.