i am so fucking sorry

Posted: October 2, 2013 at 6:51 pm

oh god, I am so fucking sorry. i totally fucked up.

mini and lance are both dead and every single part of it is my fault.

I should have put lance down after he got Elizabeth and I didn’t, I thought he was safe with the dogs and he wasn’t.

I found mini me on one of the dog beds, lance had perforated her chest. the vet said it was too severe an injury and she was too old to make it, trying to save her wasn’t fair. I had to say to euthanize, I had to let her go.

I came home and got lance and took him back down to euthanize too. I had to, he couldn’t stay here after what he did I just can’t keep him and everyone else safe.

he was a good dog when he was with me. but I couldn’t be with him every second of every day.

I should have put him down after he got Elizabeth. I should have gotten that kennel area built and roofed sooner, I should have known I couldn’t control him, his  anxiety was just too far beyond me.

 

I am so sorry lance, I really am so very sorry.

 

and oh my fucking god mini…I let you get so badly hurt you were supposed to be safe with me. I am sorry, I am so sorry.

oh mini.

I fucking hate this fucking life, I fucking hate myself.

I am so very sorry, how could I have been so fucking incompetent and stupid???

it is my fault we lost two good dogs tonight.

26 Comments on "i am so fucking sorry"

  • another Doreen says

    Oh Carol, please don’t beat yourself up about this.
    You gave Lance every chance to live a better life but he wasn’t able to overcome his challenges. And you couldn’t keep him locked up in a kennel or crate any minute you couldn’t be with him.
    Bad stuff can happen no matter how hard we try to prevent it. I’m afraid it’s all part of life and living. And the animals at SAINTS live longer and better than they probably would anywhere else. And a lot of that is down to you and your enormous heart and knowledge.
    So have your cry, then take a deep breath, debrief and use this experience to make things better and safer for future animals. Mini and Lance deserve that legacy.

  • shelagh f says

    my heart breaks for everyone involved.

  • Bridget says

    oh my god…. Carol.
    nightmare on earth Wednesday.
    i’m stunned.

  • Michelle says

    Oh my god Carol . I am so sorry. No words… please do NOT blame urself. Can I do anything? No one could of known! So sorry!

  • Lori Paul says

    I am so sorry for you Carol…please take a deep breath and call someone you love so you can talk/cry it out. Your situation is such that you cannot predict these devastating happenings, even as you weigh the risks. You cannot be perfect…you know this in your heart. Forgive yourself as soon as possible and take a mental health day off tomorrow if at all possible. We all love you and feel for you.

  • Muriel W. says

    You’re not incompetent, nor stupid. Don’t beat yourself up. How could you undo what ugliness humans had done to Lance? He couldn’t help what he had become. Yes, it is extremely sad about mini me – one can only go forward. We learn from every experience, good or bad. You do so much for all the unwanted/difficult creatures – you cannot crumble under this horrible experience – you’ve had so many success stories, they far outweigh this unfortunate thing. RIP Lance & Mini me. May you both find peace.

  • Nancy says

    What an absolutely gut wrenching day for you.. I’m so very sorry. After so much sadness in the last week, that is too much for one person to bear. Please know that you are in the thoughts and hearts of the many people who read your blog. Please take care of yourself.

  • Maryk says

    Oh Carol, how incredibly sad. Nancy said it all.

    God bless.

  • Mo says

    Oh god..so sorry..so sad..do not lay blame on yourself..you always do what you do for the animals..you cant predict everything …You gave mini the best years of her life and you gave Lance the best chance at life.

    RIP Lance and MiniMe..you will be missed

  • Cheryl Shaw says

    Carol – I have finally stopped crying and re-read the devastating news. You are playing the “I shoulda” game. We all play it at some time or another, especially when something totally heart wrenching occurs. I played it for weeks following the death of my beloved llama Star when she was killed by a bear. “I should have known to put them in the barn at night” – ” I should have heard her calling for help” -” I should have known a bear could kill her” ” I should have…..” I still play that game 7 years later, but I try not to dwell on it as I know it can drive me crazy, and it was no one’s fault – not mine, not the bear’s (although I still have trouble forgiving him)not anyone’s. Scream your agony to the sky, cry & beat the walls- but do NOT beat yourself up. We all want to believe the animals in our care will be safe & cared for, but bad stuff happens – it is part of life. Just remember you did your best & Mini loved you. that’s all anyone can ask of themselves, and others.

  • AnnC says

    So very sorry Carol sending you big hugs, what an awful week this is turning into. Sweet dreams to Mini & Lance such a terrible shame. Please don’t blame yourself no one loves the saints animals as much as you and they always come first with you. I’m gutted for you.

  • Oh Carol, I am so sorry. We all do the best we can. Please take comfort in knowing that Lance and Mini are at peace. They don’t blame you. May the love and prayers of all your friends help you through this difficult time.

    May (Beagle Paws rescue)

  • Brenda Mc says

    What Mo said Carol; So very very sad. – but the worst part of all of this tragedy is what this is doing to you. Those of us who know YOU, know the immense love your heart holds for each and every one of the animals in your care, and that same heart has had to endure immense pain and brokenness because of those animals you love as well. There is no blame – only acceptance and healing. Please give yourself a break and know there are lots of hugs surrounding you tonight.

  • NicoleMcC says

    So Sorry. I know how shitty it feels as I’ve had to block out Ralph’s death as I couldn’t deal with it.

  • Meghann says

    Oh, Carol, I am so, so sorry. I’ve had personal experience with losing one pet to another pet and I remember how sick to my stomach I felt. I know a little of how it feels to work so hard to juggle everything and keep all your balls in the air, only to have one fall – it’s crushing. Just please know that others have been there too.

  • Cathy says

    I am so sorry Carol. I can’t seem to come up with anything that sounds right to say. How devastating. I know you do everything you can to keep everyone safe….

  • Johanna says

    So sorry Carol,

    Sometimes life is just too cruel. Take good care of yourself.

    Johanna

  • Cindy says

    so sorry to hear that and please don’t beat yourself up over this. I don’t think anyone would have thought he would go after another dog.

  • Cheri says

    Oh Carol…. It’s not your fault! You do so much good….
    Big comforting hugs, prayers, wishes, love …… All of whatever I can send to help you heal. All of you
    Xoxoxoxoxx

  • Debra says

    Omg! So sorry to hear this. Carol, as all others sy, it is NOT your fault. I feel so sorry for Mini… The poor little sweetie.

  • Bunny Horne says

    We were out last night and I only just read the blog this morning. So very very sad. Sweet little Mini-Me – RIP darling.

  • lynne says

    shit i cant stop crying for little mini me and for that poor lost soul, lance. you did way more than anyone else would have done carol i am so sorry. dont know what else to say.

  • Maggie says

    Lance and I went for a long walk on Wednesday and he totally enjoyed it and was very happy. So sorry about everything but will hold the memory of that walk very close.

  • Angela says

    So sorry, Carol. May you all find peace.

  • Colin says

    Carol I just read this today. My God I am just so sorry for you. You are one person who truly tries to do everything right and take care of so many. Please do not beat yourself up anymore than you already have. Your heart must be so broken. You are and continue to be in my thoughts.

    xxx

  • pollyb says

    I am so sorry it is no one to blame ‘ I have missed the blog since sept 2 nd ‘ I had a house fire and am glad to have gotten my dog out’ no one does more good than you ‘ we try every day to do our best’ some times it works and other times not so much ‘ I accidently killed my bunny yrs ago ‘ but i was trying to help her’ poor thing’
    Just so you know that I am not in my house & won’t be for an other month I will be hard to get on home phone & cell I just got my puter back but its not easy to get to use it as it is now in the house ”they are Ozoning the house & we can not be in it’ Carol I greatly feel how you feel ‘ lov Polly

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