cliff diving

Posted: February 19, 2014 at 6:41 pm

i had to hook up the computer again because I have to watch flicka in the cameras tonight (her nose has been bleeding quite a bit today and the vets won’t be out to see her until tomorrow.) anyway..erin can post about today at saints..i have other confusing stuff on my mind tonight.

we (as the board of directors) are looking towards the future which we absolutely must do. so we are in the process of developing policy and procedures, safety/emergency plans, a volunteer manual…you know the drill, every business, employer and non profit service provider has them…guidelines for just about everything to guide you thru just about anything.

and it is unsettling me.

I am a born again rebel, I march to my very own tune that I hear all alone in my head. I always try to do what is right and when I finally accept I haven’t been doing right as well as I could, I really do try to do better. the problem for me with having rules is A. I too have to live by them and B..one day I may have to enforce them.

so fine…. miss margie marvel comes to volunteer at saints and 50 million times she leaves behind her open gates..most likely after the 20th time, I am going to tell her nicely that saints is not a good fit and she should move on to somewhere that doesn’t have gates.

that is a safety issue..i have to keep the animals safe…it is a no brainer.

and then mr. marvin mudslinger comes and he doesn’t like me at all and is saying not nice things about me to others in my home. so yes..this is my home and I can tell him he is not welcome here anymore because I do have a right to be treated with at least minimal respect in my own home. this too is a no brainer.

however…once mr marvin mudslinger leaves, what if he is really pissed at being asked to leave and starts saying mean or untrue things about me or saints out in the big world?

well if our confidentiality clause is in place and he signed it when he arrived..we could actually make him stop…that’s the purpose of getting it signed.

and here is the rub…I don’t want to make him stop…not my job to be super cop and tell people what they can and cannot say..esp. if it is no longer making me feel like the enemy in my own home. how much or little folks blabber on about me or saints if they are no longer involved here, is none of my concern. I really believe what my mother told me…that you can tell more about people by what they say about others than you can by what they say of themselves…so i think, well then ok…go ahead and let them.

i am a control freak in so many ways..but my control freak issues are centered solely around animal care, my home life and are only within these gates. i have no desire to write the holy bible for all mankind who was ever so lucky (or unlucky) enough to cross my path. just like i am not about to tell erin what she can and can not post..as long as she is honest and telling the truth, she can say whatever it is that she wants. the truth never really hurt anyone…(but untruths do.)

the current rules here are to keep the animals safe and to give me a little bit of emotional safety and peace in my home..i think that is fair. i haven’t worried too much about anything else.

i also kind of like flying by the seat of my pants and meeting each new challenge and figuring it out on my own. not sure how well i will do with a rule book that spells everything out. the issue of course is i do have horse shoes up my ass..whoever comes after me, may not have that.

i was talking to jenn last night about the blog..she said whether i like it or not, it is a representation of saints. and this is why large animal welfare agencies like best friends and the spca work so hard to create a branding and marketing persona that is nonconfrontational, politically correct and easily accepted by all.

because she is my daughter, she understands me and she gets that i am more of a rebellious say it like it is, lay it all out there (even if i look like a nutbar, a bitch or a freak) and let the chips fall where they will. i LIKE the real life honesty in this..to me it just feels right.

i also really like doing exactly what i think is right even if no one else actually agrees. i have spoiled myself rotten in this!

but then i end up with the that horrible soul wrenching conflict..what works best for saints against what works best for me.

above all…i want the very best for saints but i want to have my cake and eat it too because i want this while still being true to me.

i don’t know if i am capable of following policies and procedures, i don’t know if i could sign a politically correct communication  clause..oh. shit. duh. of course i can because i do it in my paid job all the time. will i do it here?…grhhh. i might have to…but…i don’t want to. saints and the animals and the truth of it all are my passion. i don’t want to squish my passion into a socially  acceptable shoebox.

i want the freedom to cliff dive, hoping against hope that instead of hitting the ground and exploding like i most likely should..but instead i might actually soar to somewhere high and new. maybe it is stupid but my hope really floats for this opportunity to try to live well with absolute politically incorrect truth.

this just totally sucks….i LIKE living in today and screw tomorrow but now i have to also consider the future because i want saints to have a future when cliff climbing and diving carol is gone.

what to do? what to do???

this is the only place in the entire world where i really am NOT afraid of falling…and THAT is the real problem..a little bit of fear goes a very long way to keep what i love most in the world, long term safe.

big sigh…

hello future, here i (reluctantly) come.,,sorry if i look like i am dragging my feet!

i kind of feel like mystic would feel if suddenly she had to live in the real world with a collar and leash.

(oh AND this is not a dig at the board of directors…you guys are doing the very necessary and difficult job i asked you to do and i do truly thank you..i am just saying tho that this is hard for me because i LIKED being totally free and not having to answer to anyone except me…it was FUN.)

 

9 Comments on "cliff diving"

  • lynne says

    what a bunch of bullshit if people dont like carol or have a problem with her then that is fine. but do not make the animals suffer those people really are not animal lovers. i dont like you carol so i am withholding my donation for saints or i will tell everyone that saints is a bad place you call that someone who likes animals and really cares about them. i sure dont. i have heard so much crap in the last little while it is hard to believe that these people actually give a dam about the animals they were supposedly trying to help. get over yourself and think about who is going to suffer. it sure as hell isnt you. grow up and stop being so judgmental. one day it may very well come back to bite u in the ass.

  • Carol says

    lol lynne? you got this from that post??? ok..i did not say this too well then…this is not about the people who do not like me, who cares about that?…its about ME having to grow up and live like a big girl in animal welfare now…i am whining about that.

  • Jenn says

    Hey I never said you had to curb your honesty or emotional ways, I just said that you and the board need to think about saints mission (what you do) and vision (where you are going) and come up with a plan on how to get their and establish your goals and values to help keep you on track. Right now you are the best asset saints has going for it and you have always been its strength – remember I compared you to Apple and Steve Jobs – Steve was a strong leader with a vision and he was much more an asset to apple than a liability – he was part of their brand and he helped increased their brand value and helped them to achieve great things. That’s you too. So if you being emotional, honest and off the cuff is your style and helps you get your job done and achieve the incredible things you do then keep doing it – its working! Saints cannot function without you plain and simple. I just wanted to put some perspective that IF saints wanted to become something else – bigger? a foundation? a more regional force? then we would probably need to start functioning more strategically like a business and treat ourselves as a brand that appeal to a larger group of supporters who maybe want more warm and fuzzies and not just the gritty truth about rescue. Its just some food for thought … and maybe something for the board and you to discuss. Love you mommy

  • Helga says

    You have to be true to yourself. And yourself in this case is what you feel is the right thing for your animals. Saints is your dream. Stick to it. Think of Martin Luther King’s famous speech beginning “I have a dream’. But you do need to get protocols in place in the eventuality that you might not be able to be there physically to make sure the dream continues.

  • Carol says

    how in gods name did I give birth to you..your brain is so highly functional and organized!
    and I love you too jenny in the mirror!

    you are right about the protocols being in place just in case Helga..its just I will have to live by them too! that’s what scares me.

  • lynne says

    no carol i did not get that from your blog i just see what is going on and it is very upsetting i find it very hard to keep my mouth shut when i have an understanding of what is going on. if this upsets u i am sorry, but it is more upsetting to me that the animals are the ones that in the end are the ones affected. this is just my opinion and that is all. hey i support u 100 percent.

  • Carol says

    I am not upset with you at all..i just thought maybe I wrote that all wrong.
    anyway..you really do not have to worry about the animals because in the long run..independent of me personally…what saints does here is pretty special, not many others could or would do this…and THAT is what most folks see. they see many old, sick, messed up animals with literally no where else to go, being loved and well cared for by ALL of us. you do not have to personally like or respect me to see this is the reality here. and I think those are the ones who will support us as long as we continue to do our job well.

  • janet nicholson says

    Keep marching to your own drummer, Carol! Because obviously, it is the right beat!

  • Fiona says

    I have ran into a few people now who have met you or know about you and they have the utmost respect for you Carol. One was a woman who I met in Maple Ridge at a ball field walking her dog and I had Precious. You were her mother’s nurse and she loved you. The others were dog trainers who had some of your rescue articles and one had met you. They loved your honesty and greatly admired what you do.

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