This is a test.

Posted: June 9, 2014 at 7:10 pm

for the last couple of days i have been trying to figure out what is up with me and my lack of energy…am i sick? burnt out? just overtired?

i think it is none of the above. i think i am simply disheartend. we all try so hard and we work so hard and this rescue life just keeps on being harder than hard…too many animals needing help, too many broken promises, too many things beyond our control, too many things that just don’t go the way they are supposed to go..it is hard to sometimes keep hope afloat.

it’s not like i expect to win the lottery (altho that actually would be nice!) its just 10 years of struggling to find a space for hundreds of unwanted ones. 10 years of trying to make the real oddballs fit in, 10 years where the only two outcomes we have is happily ever after in homes of their own or a peaceful and gentle death from here (and death wins out more than the happily ever afters because our guys are so messed up to begin with.) and its 10 years of struggling to fill the volunteer shifts, 10 years of struggling to pay the bills, 10 years of wear and tear on our home AND on us as we all try to soldier on to help even more… year after year.

and it is not that i am not grateful for the good things we have and had..the kindness and generosity of our supportors, volunteers and staff..its just that they don’t ever get a break from our constant need either. and that has to suck for them.

so why can’t the powers that be just see what we do and try to make it just a little bit easier? where is the harm of shooting a winning lottery ticket our way? its not like we wouldn’t put it to good use. what we do here is not better just because it is hard..it would still be pretty darn good even if it was easier.

tell me? is this a test? and if so..when does it end? and please don’t say in another 10 years cuz i am not going thru this shit for another entire decade.

am i being tested? and what for anyway..my committment? or maybe to see how long it takes until i have to be committed..like in a facility somewhere?

look whoever…skip the lotto..just make the goddamn freaking grass grow and i will shut up with my whining for a little while and maybe get a bit of a better happy face on.

that sounds like a pretty good (and easy) deal.

4 Comments on "This is a test."

  • Penny says

    It’s supposed to rain on Thursday, Carol – can the grass seed hang in until then? Or more to the point, can you? You have a right to be discouraged and disheartened once in a while. I don’t know how you stay positive sometimes. But remember there’s an army of people behind you, supporting what you do and loving the animals at Saints.

  • Yvette says

    We do the best that we can with what we are given and we have a gift that few people have. My Native Name given to me by an elder Mary Casimel says it all – Woman with dog heart. We are different and we live the walk not just do the talk. You, Carol are very special. And you inspire me when I am down. You will smile again and the grass will grow thick and green. You’ll see.

  • Dianne says

    Hi Carol
    I’ve been reading your blog for a few weeks now. It sounds like maybe you could use a short break away, maybe a little weekend away from it all. Though no doubt this is probably very tough for you to do, as it seems your plate is overflowing non-stop. Please know that people out here are listening, and hugely appreciate all that you do all day (and night), every day for the animals. I just know that all the animals are all very grateful for the love & care, and the chance to live their life at their home at SAINTS. Hang in there……….it’s raining today!

  • Carol says

    I think, my dear, that you are really, really tired and probably suffering from care giver burnout. It is hard to give and give and give and not have that constant drain -emotional, physical, psychological,spiritual and yes financial – take a tremendous toll.

    The constant stress at home, and at work (you work as a caregiver too yes?) and lack of sleep is hard on body and soul. And, who takes care of the caregive, when you need help? where/who is your respite? What form does it take?

    You do have a great team of loving volunteers, but you carry a heavy load.

    I just had a thought. Maybe one reason you haven’t won the lotto yet, is because other people need more time to stand up and give those furred and feathered babies a hand. It’s not much of a reason I admit, but its the only one I can dredge up at the moment. 🙂

    Just so you know, if I could send you some rain from Edmonton to shower on your patch of lawn, I’d do it in a heart beat! I am getting heartily tired of the rain and cold we’ve had these last weeks!

    Sending you lots of hugs and hugs for all the injured and old and broken too! (extra ones for Sparky and Max!)

    Be good to yourself….

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