loss and guilt

Posted: July 21, 2015 at 9:57 pm

I am usually pretty good and keeping emotional things together…wasn’t so great at it today.
I lost it the last time late this afternoon when I went to pick up max after work who was rushed into the vets with a fever earlier by renee.
I stupidly asked dave..he isn’t going to die on me tomorrow? and promptly burst back into tears.
he did promise the suddenly sobbing crazy person that max would survive.

grhhh, god carol, get it together ok??!! how embarrassing.

here is the problem…when the saints animals die…we have done everything we can to the best that we could and I am smart enough to realize this.

but when my animals die, I am crippled with guilt because unlike every staff and volunteer here, at the end of my shift..i don’t go home to my animals and spend normal time with them, do normal things with them…the saints animals or people need something, or the phone rings, the texts/emails questions/plea’s/conflicts come and the brain boggles with sorting out issues and problems.
my animals get whatever they can get after me caring about 120 other homeless, sick, in crises animals 24/7.
and every time they leave me, I remember yet again that I ripped them off with rescue, year after freaking year, over and over again.
loss hurts, guilt fucking sucks.

8 Comments on "loss and guilt"

  • Tammy says

    Don’t beat yourself up Carol. You gave Phebes a home, no one else could do that. No matter how much she was loved or wanted she belonged with you. It was with you she could truly be herself without limits. She was accepted and wanted with you. People would come and go in her life but you were always there.
    Yes Phoebe will be missed by many and there are many more tears to shed but looking back she was very lucky to have landed at SAINTS. With her personality and energy she didn’t fit in a conventional home. You gave her everything she needed right to the end. Thank you for caring so much.

  • Helga says

    Amen to that.

  • Ali says

    My sentiments exactly, Tammy. Phebes belonged with you at Saints Carol and recieved the best possible life she could have asked for. Sub in 20+ other people to watch over & love her and cater to her craziness, and you have nothing to feel guilty for. Be proud of the life you were able to give her. You deserve it, and so did Pheobe.

  • Cheryl Shaw says

    I would be willing to bet that all your animals get more love & attention than many of them ever had in their life prior to arriving at Saints – so stop feeling guilty & beating yourself up about not spending enough time with each one as an individual. Allow yourself to miss her, and cry at the silliest times ( I still tear up over Andi whenever I buy mushrooms! She loved them so much) but remember what you gave them & rejoice in the love & joy they gave back – and yes, the damn devil dog antics that all little dogs are born with just to make them stand out from the crowd!!

  • Penny says

    Carol, you just lost Harley and Phoebe within a couple of days – I’d worry about you if you DIDN’T burst into tears once in a while. Cut yourself some slack – huge losses for you, the staff and volunteers. A rough week so far.

  • Fiona says

    I haven’t been on here for a few days so am now in tears. Such huge losses for you Carol, no wonder you burst into tears. How very sad to see these dogs go in just a few days and there is always more to come at SAINTS. I have said it before, I don’t know how you do it. SAINTS is such a wonderful sanctuary for these unwanted animals and you do all you can to make their lives as happy as possible, my hats off to you.

  • Mary Kaminski says

    Be kind to yourself, Carol. You gave Phoebe the life she wanted, the life she needed. You loved her and accepted all of her quirks. You let her be who she was. She was happy. Peace.

  • Brenda says

    Exactly what Tammy said…..I’m just catching up on the blog after being away – offline – and am still in shock over Phoebe….so very sorry. I sure will miss her a lot.

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