Posted: December 24, 2015 at 7:52 pm
super exhausted..physically, emotionally, mentally.
sometimes i wish i had what all of these guys have…someone who not only deeply cares about them but is committed and fully accepting of them.
no one is ever going to love me, not like i love that little bastard oscar..no one is ever going to say i am 100 percent fine, exactly as i am.
and this is because like everyone else in this world, i am a human and we just don’t give our fellow humans the kind of slack that we (at least at saints) give to a mentally messed up dog.
on my weak days, like them, that is what i need..just to know that i am ok and have great value to those around me.
but like you, i sometimes only tune into the whispers, the innuendos, to the silence that somehow conveys..that today i just really wasn’t all that great.
when i let it…it erodes me.
just like it eroded these animals i am so determined to save.
and that’s the human part of rescue…standing out in the open… stripped naked..old, fat, homely, forgetful, thoughtless, confused, exhausted..trying to somehow responsibly, effectively, honestly and compassionately get thru another long mentally and emotionally over filled day.
rescue takes away the walls we used to hide behind. it leaves us open to become the judged. there is no pride or privacy or illusions left to protect or hide faulty human parts. there is no advocate to interpet our mountains of exposed and sensitive feelings and thoughts….we are as voiceless as the animals, sometimes struck dumb from the utter loneliness of it all.
and that is what sucks about rescue..day after fucking day. making the choice to accept this living in an airless vacuum of singular public humanness which isn’t very safe.
however…it occurs to me that what i deep down seek, the accepting arms of a compassionate guardian, stands right before me. it may not be human eyes who light up when i walk into a room. it may not be human hearts that sees my true worth. there may be no actual arms to hold me and keep me safe but there are many open and welcoming hearts to surround me.
it may just be the broken and discarded that willingly embraces all that i am.
but i guess we are a good match.
i give them all this naked broken has to offer and they in their own broken nakedness assure me, it is enough for today.