the marshmellow encased in steel.

Posted: September 15, 2016 at 8:29 pm

i wonder sometimes if people think i am heartless and cold or if doing what must be done in rescue has some how depleted any softness of heart.
but the fact of the matter is..i do what i do here because i have a marshmellow heart.
it breaks me to see suffering and pain. it hurts me to see unhappy and unloved. i bleed when i see them feeling like they just do not fit anywhere in this fucked up world. or when they feel like they are not worth anything to anyone.

sometimes i cry, but not very often. tears do not get anything done. mostly i just stretch myself and every resource we have further to try to help another one.

i have 2 jobs to do..the first is to make their life better than what they were living before. and the second job is to make sure that when their life is over that they go peacefully, are free from fear and suffering.

i have at times failed miserably at both. and those failures weigh heavily on my soul…i never forgive myself.
but as the years go by, i have gotten better and the failures are fewer.
but they still occasionally happen.

i live in fear of that but i will not let that fear get in the way…i will keep trying to do the best that i can.

people need to understand this about me..it is not a game or a competition about being the greatest or the kindest or the one with the most feelings.
i don’t give a fucking shit about that.

i care that they are happy or at the very least… content. i care that they find some joy or feel loved every day. i care that they feel like they have a place in this world and that they are important to someone.
and i care that when they take their last breaths, they were not alone and leave this world free from fear.

if all of that comes together for them, then we did well and i am content with that.

this heart can’t afford to be soggy just so folks get that i care.
this heart lives, breathes, sleeps and occasionally weeps with these animals.
and not once in almost 20 years, has it ever gotten easier.

5 Comments on "the marshmellow encased in steel."

  • Brenda says

    You have a genuinely pure heart Carol….no hidden agendas, no games, no popularity contest. I don’t know anyone more honest then you are…..and the animals in your care are truly loved and cherished. I have no idea how you do what you do, day after day….but I am grateful for it……..and for you.

  • shelagh f says

    ditto

  • Mo says

    Not sure how anyone could think you are heartless….unless you put an animals welfare ahead of theirs…and that is their issue not yours. Those that know you know your heart is full of love and compassion ..how else could you care so well for your human patients as well as all the animals at SAINTS. Just imagine what the world could be if everyone had even 1/4 of the compassion you have.

  • Lenore Henry says

    I think you speak for so many of us Brenda and Mo who feel the same way about Carol and her compassion and big heart for people and animals.

  • Lisa Wagner says

    This is such a lovely post. I would fight tooth and nail for you if anyone ever called you anything but amazing. What you do takes incredible strength and compassion. A combo that many people don’t possess. If you ever doubt yourself remember that you are special!

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