its like i am cursed.

Posted: June 22, 2017 at 8:34 pm

maybe there are only so many things you can get wrong in life before karma gets to have her way.

the vibe changed here immediately last night with pepper without daisy. she was happy, cheerful, playful…up on the bed, coming for cuddles.

and then today, twice..first a dental stick and then a rawhide that they found somewhere hidden in their yard and everything almost came crashing in again.

both times thank god i was right there and took away the prize that was escalating them back into battle preparation.

both the dental chew and the rawhide looked old…i am assuming at some point they were buried and then dug up again.

we NEVER allow them to have long lasting treats like chews…not since we moved here in 2005…i know the problems with multi-dogs they can cause…because dogs don’t always peacefully share things.
but somehow in the recent past, they had them and then they found them again..

now i am second guessing myself…have all of the horrible things in the past week been because there was something in that yard that i did not know? is that what ramped up the stress in there out of nowhere? were they all stressed right out because someone was guarding a high value prize they should never have had in the first place?

or is it just coincidence?

i feel like i can’t trust them, i can’t trust me or my choices or decisions, and i can’t even trust the ground beneath our feet.

this week has bloodied me. i am ok with the loss of kassa…i accept that she was ancient and it was her time. daisy i failed in the worst possible way…i let her love me and i loved her back but that didn’t stop me from ending her life to keep everyone else safe.

it doesn’t matter that i did not wreck her, what matters is in the end i could not help her…not here, not with others. and i would not ever consider sending her out there into the world to be a risk to someone else.

but please god, don’t let it be a stupid chew that has brought us all down…not some fucking stupid thing that they somehow found buried in the ground.

i have always seen her fear, her potential for violence, her sometimes scary reactivity, her willingness to retaliate if necessary and i can accept that those things were inside her and had to be dealt with but please don’t let this past terrible week be because of something so simple that i didn’t see….because somehow, against all odds, until this week….she and i were managing….i thought love was winning.
it wasn’t, daisy was lost and i am so very sorry.

2 Comments on "its like i am cursed."

  • Lynne arnason says

    Carol please don’t second guess yourself daisy has been this way for a long time you did what you had to do it is totally devestating I don’t know what to say except you went with your gut feeling don’t beat yourself up we know u loved daisy and she loved you you gave her something she has never had

  • Kerry says

    I don’t know anything about abused animals, but I know something about abused children. Some kids don’t recover. Those around them that care for them try to set them up to be “successful”, but life is not a controlled experiment. Life is messy and random and full of hidden triggers. And you are left asking yourself, why do you care, and why do you put yourself where you try to clean up someone else’s mess. Daisy didn’t end her days being shot or being alone at animal control, she was surrounded by love, and given a dignified exit. Here on earth her ability to understand Love was limited, in Heaven all the barriers are removed. I hope you find peace, Carol.

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