its like i am cursed.

Posted: June 22, 2017 at 8:34 pm

maybe there are only so many things you can get wrong in life before karma gets to have her way.

the vibe changed here immediately last night with pepper without daisy. she was happy, cheerful, playful…up on the bed, coming for cuddles.

and then today, twice..first a dental stick and then a rawhide that they found somewhere hidden in their yard and everything almost came crashing in again.

both times thank god i was right there and took away the prize that was escalating them back into battle preparation.

both the dental chew and the rawhide looked old…i am assuming at some point they were buried and then dug up again.

we NEVER allow them to have long lasting treats like chews…not since we moved here in 2005…i know the problems with multi-dogs they can cause…because dogs don’t always peacefully share things.
but somehow in the recent past, they had them and then they found them again..

now i am second guessing myself…have all of the horrible things in the past week been because there was something in that yard that i did not know? is that what ramped up the stress in there out of nowhere? were they all stressed right out because someone was guarding a high value prize they should never have had in the first place?

or is it just coincidence?

i feel like i can’t trust them, i can’t trust me or my choices or decisions, and i can’t even trust the ground beneath our feet.

this week has bloodied me. i am ok with the loss of kassa…i accept that she was ancient and it was her time. daisy i failed in the worst possible way…i let her love me and i loved her back but that didn’t stop me from ending her life to keep everyone else safe.

it doesn’t matter that i did not wreck her, what matters is in the end i could not help her…not here, not with others. and i would not ever consider sending her out there into the world to be a risk to someone else.

but please god, don’t let it be a stupid chew that has brought us all down…not some fucking stupid thing that they somehow found buried in the ground.

i have always seen her fear, her potential for violence, her sometimes scary reactivity, her willingness to retaliate if necessary and i can accept that those things were inside her and had to be dealt with but please don’t let this past terrible week be because of something so simple that i didn’t see….because somehow, against all odds, until this week….she and i were managing….i thought love was winning.
it wasn’t, daisy was lost and i am so very sorry.

broken today.

Posted: June 21, 2017 at 6:18 pm

Kassablanca passed peacefully away this morning. we had to stretcher her into the vets because she could no longer stand. i hope her mom is there to greet her on the other side. rest in peace kassa, we loved you.

Daisy passed gently from this world late this afternoon. she was afraid but she tried to be brave. i am so very sorry darling girl.
rest in peace daisy, you were deeply loved too.

and life goes on while i try to find the right way…

Posted: June 21, 2017 at 7:39 am

new little blind 14 yr old JRT in..his name is Hyde. sweet dog, starting out in the laundry area (far away for my personal turmoil!) with little nicky for company.
hyde’s owner is quite ill and needed to see his little friend settled and safe. he is settling in pretty well.

it is official, phoenix and his family spent a couple of days and nights out at my cottage which is neutral territory for phoenix and his new brother to get used to each other. everything went well, it was a good intro plan. we filled out the adoption papers yesterday and phoenix and his new family head home this morning. i don’t think we could have found a more caring or committed and yet savy home..phoenix has hit the jackpot and we are so very happy for all involved!

we had a group of dedicated corporate volunteers here yesterday for a couple of hours. we got the new staff area in the shop painted up for the staff to take their breaks…they work really hard and deserve an at least basic lunch area space. the group also made a great start on painting the new stairs…slowly that shop reno is coming together.

kassa got stuck on the lino in the corner last night, i found her in a puddle of pee and diarrhea….poor, sweet, failing babe…she will need another difficult shower again today.

it is still sucking around here.

Posted: June 20, 2017 at 6:28 pm

at night i have luna, june and boomer with me on the bed and daisy, mystic and pepper loose on the other side of an xpen fence. i leave the doggy door open so those three can go in and out as they please but they can still be in the room with me.
i woke up in the middle of the night and daisy and mystic were in bed with us. someone had very quietly moved the xpen away from where it was wedged behind the dresser so they could sneak in bed with me. since everyone was being good, i chose to ignore their sneaking.
at 6 am i woke up to another fight outside…this time it was pepper, mystic and daisy only.
i pinned pepper to the ground and mystic and daisy ran back inside and back up onto the bed.
i put pepper back in a crate, went and got mystic and put her in a crate and returned for daisy who said if i tried it, she was going to bite me.
i managed to slowly slip a noose over her head and then led her into a crate for everyone’s safety.

no one was hurt..i was there within a couple of seconds but it was an absolutely shitty way to start the morning.

i have a big problem here that i am trying to figure out but they aren’t letting me.

i think mystic is upset because daisy and pepper are rocking the boat.
i think pepper is upset because she wants to be my only dog.
i think daisy is mentally unbalanced and over reactive which is just making everything worse.

i know that i can physically intervene and/or restrain both pepper and mystic without getting hurt.
i also know that this is not true for daisy, she is fear aggressive and will feel the need to protect herself, even if it means turning on me.

pepper is adoptable into a single dog home..in every other respect she is absolutely lovely.
mystic will settle down once the stress around here decreases.
daisy is a risk and a liability no matter where she is…she is a poorly socialized, fear aggressive dog with a violent history of abuse that is affecting her now.
daisy LOVES me..but even that love won’t stop her from going after me if she feels cornered or threatened.
it doesn’t matter that i have never hurt her and am never going to hurt her, she will never 100% trust me fully.

i am not happy about bear, i feel he poses a significant risk of safety to the other animals here at all times and to the humans who care for him during his needed insulin injections. i also feel he is not happy confined and alone in the previous cat communal area for virtually 23 hours a day. it is a nice bright, roomy and cheerful place but i think he views it as a rather nicely furnished cage.

oreo is failing rapidly..he is reaching the point where dementia is seriously diminishing his quality of life.

kassa could not get up today, she pooped her bed and had a really hard time managing thru her needed clean up shower, it was really stressful for her.
that 11 yr old great dane body is giving out on her.

i didn’t get into rescue so i could kill animals. i realize euthanizations are sometimes needed at the end of long lived lives to prevent unnecessary suffering just before they pass away.
i realize that some animals are too physically, emotionally or mentally broken and sometimes the risks facing them or others, present too great a potential for serious and regrettable harm.

i get that not all animals can or should be saved.
and i get that rescue has to be responsible.

but i am tired of having to try to make the right decisions, of trying to see into the future, of looking back at terrible mistakes.
but mostly i am tired of literally holding their lives and/or deaths in my hands.

it just all so fucking sucks.

saints foster mae passed away today

Posted: June 19, 2017 at 9:13 pm

This morning Anne rushed Mae to the vets, she knew something wasn’t right. Sadly, under the vets direction, and in the arms of her very own person, Mae passed away. Anne took Mae home just six weeks ago. Mae came to Saints in 2011 after she (and the late and much loved Bru) were seized by SPCA cruelty investigators. Mae had skin problems that required a high level of care, but Anne didn’t mind at all. Mae finally had the home she deserved, a home that adored her, though not for long enough. It is never long enough. We are so sorry for your loss Anne.

rescue still sucks but whatever…

Posted: June 19, 2017 at 9:04 pm

we are muddling thru this. pepper, mystic and daisy are being crated during high stress times (like when rotating dogs out for a pee.) i am keeping luna, june and boomer together but seperate from the other three. even tho june and boomer were involved, i know the other three were the ringleaders. june is palliative with kidney disease and i want her to be able to spend her last weeks on my bed, and boomer is at risk because he is so much smaller, should they re-direct on him one day, so he gets a pass for safety.

luna is dealing well with it all…unsure when going near the other dogs but her wounds are healing well. i tried keeping cones, and wrapped up towels around her neck to stop her from pulling out her drains but she managed to get everything off anyway. she is being good about not pulling or chewing on her drains so i am leaving her cone free and she is happier without them.
i am not as angry with them as i was and i am able to talk and stroke them in passing but warm and fuzzy feelings are still far away.

i am still struggling about bear…an uncooperative, has to be muzzled diabetic who totally sucks with dogs and cats. he resents both the muzzling and the injections and his body language is quite clear that he is considering a more violent response to both. with his multiple unfriendly issues in various ways, he is pretty much completely unadoptable. i just can’t fathom keeping him locked up in the previous cat communal area for the next 10 years with basically a couple of walks every day.

i also discovered that the trust between daisy and me is fragile on both sides. i lost trust in her with her involvement in the pack up and she reverted to challenging me when i give her shit for something..like launching herself in a fence frenzy because she sees another dog or an unknown human in the driveway. if i get mad at her when she doesn’t stop when i tell her and make any move towards her, she is clearly going to retaliate against me. i really need the dogs here to back down when push comes to shove. i am not too keen on her launching herself at me and yet i can’t let her keep aggressively throwing herself around.

big sigh…excuse my language but…fucking dogs.

the good news is…phoenix is out on a trial sleep over…fingers crossed that at least one pain in the ass dog finds a great home….somewhere else.

my own dogs along with boomer and daisy have broken my heart.

Posted: June 17, 2017 at 8:51 pm

it has been more than 6 months since the dogs ganged up on luna out of the blue. 6 months of peace and once again a solid family unit. last week she and pepper were playing, all was well in the family.
and then yesterday, they started getting excited, worked up and frustration became an element when they were locked inside for a few moments while some of the other dogs were let out for a pee break. suddenly it escalated and they re-directed on luna again and it became a pack up.

all of them were in on it…pepper, daisy, june, mystic and boomer…all of the dogs that i consider my family. all of the dogs who peacefully share my bed and my heart every single night and day.
they hurt her and luna was lucky that we were right there, it could have been far, far worse if we had not been here.

and i cannot get past what they did to her, what they could have done to her if we were not there.

my head knows how it happened, why it happened, my head even knows how to absolutely prevent it from ever happening again.
but right now my heart and my head can’t forgive them. they betrayed their sister, they betrayed our family. they betrayed the complete and total love and trust i have for each of them and for all of them together.

i can’t even look at them, right now i am unable to look at any of them with any kind of love….all i feel is luna’s pain and my own rage and bitter disappointment over what they had done.

luna is going to heal but both she and i stand on the far side of a dark and disastrous chasm that has torn our family apart.

i don’t know how we will come back from this but i know it will be hard.

love you luna..but the rest of you are fucking assholes right now.

it is with great sadness that we mark the passing of Rio….

Posted: June 15, 2017 at 1:52 pm

a couple of weeks ago he received routine sedation for a simple medical procedure. the sedation hit him way to hard and we almost lost him that day. i knew at the time that it was most likely related to an asymptomatic cardiac dysfunction. rio was an extremely old horse, and extremely old everyones have weakened and compromised hearts….the hearts just start wearing out. it looks like sometime during the night, rio suffered a major heart attack and swiftly passed away. the sudden-ness of it left us all reeling this morning.

rio was what i called “a dime a dozen” horse. there was nothing special about him and because of this, i believe he led a life of insignificance…nothing special, no real value, just a slightly boring/cheapo kind of guy who ended up being passed around, over and over to anyone who had any kind of use for him for a while.

the reason i believe this is, rio struck me as a horse who while accepting his life of servitude with multitudes of various humans, had little faith that he could expect anything better. i don’t think he even knew that life could in fact be better, that’s what happens in loveless existence.

even horses like gideon who came here neglected and uncared for…at some point in his long life, he was loved and cared for so he understood that he had found that again once he was here.
rio, on the other hand, didn’t really seem to know the difference.

in the end tho, rio was loved. he was provided with the best of care and a great deal of concern and effort to ensure his life was valuable.

he was a very old horse who i think lived a long and difficult life. i believe he was happy here and enjoyed his last few years of life.

what makes me sad tho is…to a certain degree, rio came by this by accident..it wasn’t that this was what he deserved, it was simply that he was lucky.

what rio deserved was a lifetime of what he found here…love, care, concern…he had great value to all of us here.

rest in peace rio…you are loved and will be greatly missed.

from erin…

Posted: June 12, 2017 at 9:32 pm

My beautiful foster cat Cleopatra passed away last night. She had been having health problems for the last few days, and while we knew there was probably a cancer in her pancreas, it looks like cancer was in her brain as well. Cleo began to seizure and was rushed to the vet late last night. As always, thank you Animal Emergency Clinic of the Fraser Valley for providing the best of care in the worst of circumstances. I just wish Cleo would have had more time.

we are so sorry for your loss erin, she was a great cat lucky enough to end her life in a great home where she was well loved.
hugs.

Our Successful Open House

Posted: June 11, 2017 at 9:59 pm

We had an incredibly successful two day open house. We had a record of over 430 people tour our shelter. Thank you to everyone who patiently waited for their tours to start. Thank you to our tour guides who are, I am sure, exhausted. Thank you to Outer Rim Garrison for the additional donations you bought in Sunday. Thank you to Walks ‘N’ Wags Pet First Aid for having such a fun booth. Thank you to Allison Maxwell for having such fun teaching the saints dogs their first nosework lesson. Thank you Ocean Park Dog Training Training for sharing your knowledge. Thank you BC SPCA (BCSPCA) for educating us about your certified farm program. Thank you to Hansel and Gretel Bakery and Leila Kullar for your scrumptious vegan food. Your food went within two hours on both days.

Thank you to all those who participated in our event. Everyone who attended, every volunteer, all the employees, every person who shared our posts. Thank you for loving SAINTS. The animals felt your group hug. And they are also pooped.

(Edited with updated total) We raised an incredible record breaking net amount of $10,180!