SAINTS

IKY has gone to her new foster home and i hope things work out well for her this time. i do think that carole is the perfect person for her so we will just have to wait to see how IKY does.

ellie is a bit off today..i am thinking her NSAIDS are catching up with her gut. she is eating her apples no problem but is not interested in her actual feed. i think i will hold her quatrisol for a few days and try her with some cobbs cinnamon buns which are her freaking favoritest thing.
i am having trouble switching back onto the well…i think it is not full enough yet but it should be because we have had a fair amount of rain. geez this is a pain in the neck. up and down into the crawl space, over and over again, it plainly just freaking well sucks. i need to get a better trap door on there so it is easier for me to get into when i need to get down there again and i need a better switching on and off system down there cuz the current plastic valve things are just crap. i am going to get someone out here to make it more user friendly…there is absolutely no point in a system that is such a pain in the ass to operate.

mo and i were peering at spritely’s hoof today…neither of us are actually sure that we have really dodged that bullet for very long.

i am tired…no water, no bath tonight…i will order a delivery for tomorrow which is the best i can do right now.

i will go walk jesse, feed oka and do the pm meds and then i am going to bed to ponder how much freaking non-city water supply systems can really and truly suck.

i am on the early shift tomorrow anyhow.

any kind of rescue can turn into any kind of utter disaster in the blink of an eye. it is not about just grabbing animals and whisking them off to safety…

whew, rescue fairy tale complete….good job!

there are the logistics…where are the animals to go, is there appropriate and reasonably responsible and educated and COMMITTED care for them? are the resources and supports in place to do the job well? what are the LEGALITIES and CONSEQUENCES of what you are about to get into cuz if you are going to end up in court or in jail, banished to rescue outer space or consigned to the proverbial crazy rescuer funny farm, it ain’t going to be fun.

are you prepared with plan A, B, and then C when all the previous plans just went down the toilet without any warning?

did you just make something really unbelievably complicated and convoluted instead of just drawing a straight line?
and did you actually think it through ALL of the way before you jumped out of the pot and into the fire…cuz if you didn’t not only are you toast but so is whoever you were trying to rescue and that just sucks.

i cannot stress enough that in the highly emotional and passionate and white knight to the rescue world of rescue…stopping and thinking and seeking advice and delving deeper than you thought to delve, and planning carefully whatever it is that you are looking to accomplish…needs a bit of time to work out. knee jerk reactions have a bad habit of backfiring and causing more hurt.

that is my well-learned advice to anyone who is interested in being a hero today.

i don’t think people really “get” the whole spritely thing…no we did not euthanize her on saturday and no she is not cured and even more importantly no she is not CURABLE. we just dodged another bullet for a week or two, a month, please god maybe even a year.

after more than 10 years of profound lymphoedema, her leg is totally, completely and irreversibly destroyed. the tissue itself has become what we call in human medicine “woody fibrosed.”  this means there is almost NO circulation left in the leg to nourish it with blood and oxygen…you could probably slice partly thru her lower leg with a knife and not even make her bleed. her skin, her muscle, all of her connective tissue is just a mass of this fibrous woody stuff that you can pick away at forever or even just rub off.

spritely has been seen by a total of 6 different vets, and many of those vets, many, many times..our regular farm vets, 2 different equine vets ( one from the island), a holistic vet who works with equines…. plus we consulted with the vet who specializes in the TB racehorses at hastings park. they all have said the same thing, there is no way to fix this, the damage is too deep, too long standing, and much too profound….so we keep her happy and pain free for as long as we can which is way longer than any of them thought.

while i do appreciate the suggestions to try this and that medicine, remedy, special wrap, this vet, that vet, this homeopathic consultant…please understand, that to date, over the past 3 years we have literally spent significantly more than $20,000 on spritely to keep her alive and well. we are not goofing around here, playing russian roulet with her life. we are actually doing a very good job of keeping her alive.

we cannot win this, we cannot make that leg brand new again…we cannot undo the damage of her disease and so we accept this and manage her. there are no miracle, cure all solutions to what is wrong with spritely’s leg..it is not a matter that we just haven’t found the right treatment or the right vet.

not all diseases can be cured, not all disabilities can be made to disappear, not all horses with severe, chronic, long term  lymphoedema can be made completely well again.

it is a sad fact of life that most horses like spritely are killed long before they ever receive the kind of ongoing and continuing medical care that spritely receives from us. this is why she is still here…we take that roller coaster ride with her not only because we love her so much but because she loves and hangs onto her life so greatly.

the vets are right, she is a miracle horse…but only because she is so determined that she is not finished living yet.

i actually enjoy puttering around with a mop cleaning up after the little buggers.

we did another dump run just to  make sure there is not such a huge load again by the weekend. eva got the shop floor washed and bleached so it smells nice and fresh in there too.

i answered the phone a fair amount so there are not a ton of messages tonight.

IKY has a trial foster home and i will be taking her there tomorrow. this is a friend from years ago who i got to know when her best friend and neighbor died, i took in the dogs (remember my beloved old sophie?) and since then she has wanted to help one of ours back again too. IKY is the one i think needs her most, so lets all hope this works out well.

the barn guys need help to bed…there is a ton of laundry to get thru. i spent $35 at the pet store today buying a large variety of specialty food to tempt spunk and webster….spunk caved at the first $2 tiny can…mmmmm…webster basically said “f” you.

bloody, freaking, stubborn cat.

chyna plays with him, buddy plays with him, lady plays with him, even monty the cat plays with him…lippy tells him to “F” off. oh and… eddie doesn’t like him very much either….he is not into that grab a friend around the neck and roll around all over the floor stuff. i think he is cute but i am glad he is busy bugging someone else instead of me. if you ask me puppies are a pain up close but fun to watch from a distance.

20 year old toby is finally beginning to look 20 yrs old…unless he is eating, he pretty much just sleeps.

webster (aka broken tail) has been on a hunger strike. i finally got him to eat something today, even if it was only a handful of temptations. i think inside that solomn not so happy cat is a pretty cool guy.

i am quite enjoying spunk, he really is a very sweet cat. he is turning into quite the lap buddy and has lost that pissed off edge. now to convince him to move out of the bathroom…that is the very next step.

we have no idea what the sheep were up to last night but they busted tunie’s door  AND the two by four closing the outside door. mo found them waiting for her by the gate this morning…what the heck is up with our sweet, gentle and never cause trouble sheep?…they were freaking busy last night.

have i mentioned that jack is a giant big baby? he cries like a fool to get you to be with him and no jack you are NOT moving into the kitchen.

i was planning on taking most of tomorrow off from saints cuz i have a 4 day weekend off from work but we are down a staff person on both mon and tues so i guess i won’t this time around…best laid plans of mice and men (and rescuers) can quickly just turn into burnt, dried out toast. it sucks but that is the way burnt toast occasionally crumbles….ah well maybe if i work hard and fast i can get it all done with a few hours to spare.

do not be a rescuer if you want to actually have a life…be a librarian maybe instead.

chris sent me a link for a post on the drugs used in euthanasia and then someone asked a question on one of the forums…are there “no-kill” shelters who do not euthanize to end suffering at the end of life?

so i am thnking on this. i know of one shelter that does not euthanize, ever…and yes animals do die there…so i guess that is could be considered a “no kill” shelter but is it really and is it humane?

and that brings up the question…do ALL dying animals need to be euthanized to end their suffering? well the ones who are suffering sure do but not all deaths are full of pain. here is my take on this…

with my human patients that are dying…we do not euthanize. we support them and medically give them the best that we can to maintain their comfort while they die.

to some extent this can be done with animals too but not as easily because animals cannot talk and tell you how they feel.

i have consciously allowed a few animals to die here without interference…they APPEARED to be comfortable and were coping well but to cover all bases i gave them appropriate meds just in case. the reason i did not interfer in those few instances was because death is a natural process and if symptoms are controlled, there is no reason to push them along if they are doing fine on their own.

but MOST animals are euthanizied here…simply either because i knew their suffering is reaching beyond what i can care for or because i see what COULD be coming up next and i knew that was way beyond us both too and not worth the risk.

there are some animals who just up and die without sending me prior notice and others like nola that i just don’t read what is going on correctly until after we hit an end of life crises.

death is sometimes cooperative and somewhat predictable and gives me the opportunity to decide what is best for them. but sometimes it is not either of those things, it is just a sneaking, twisted, convoluted occurence that leaves me dazed and confused.

i have learned a few things over the years…dying is not always linked to suffering but sometimes it is. death is not predictable or always user friendly so extreme caution is needed, and death itself is not the final monster…life is. and these animals are alive until the moment of their deaths…we as rescuers are responsible for each and every second of happiness or suffering that occurs while in our care.

so we better be prepared to accept what that responsibility and burden entails and not just brush it off with some kind of excuse.

suffering comes in many forms, physical, emotional, mental or spiritual….unredeemible suffering needs to be dealt with. and yet not all creatures suffer at the end of their life and this is true for a couple of reasons.

like humans…animals have unique personalities…some are strong and cope well with adversity and others do not. some have the ability to peacefully accept the ending of their life…others do not. some have pain issues or breathing issues or nausea issues and that impacts their comfort level, others do not suffer these things, they just slow down, and become tired as their life fades away. some are fearful of what is happening to them, and others are content. nature herself has some built in mechanisms to decrease the suffering at death…hypothermia, comatose states, some hormonal releases to create a separation of body and mind as they near death.
all of these things and many more determine the quality of a life ending plus a whole lot more that we just do not know about yet.

true no kill shelters are NOT something to brag about….this means that they turn a blind eye to the suffering of those they are sworn to protect. shelters who only euthanize at the end of life or to end suffering are not really no kill but as yet we don’t have a word to describe what we actually do…low kill is not right…maybe compassionate-kill.

lots of folks have issues with the word “kill” but if you take something that it alive and then actively do something that took that life away…that is killing. was it absolutely necessary because of suffering? maybe, but it is killing none the same.

and trust me, the act of doing nothing at all? is still killing too…death in our care is still death in our care and we need to be aware of this, it does not let us off the responsibility hook.

i could think on this all day and could find new paths to explore, but i have work to do so i better get moving here.

but one last thought before i go…it is pretty darn easy for someone to second guess me here from the comfort of their happy, controlled and organized little life….second guessing comes easy to those not standing on the actual responsibility and action line. what you would do,if you were the one responsible, means nothing to me. you are not responsible because you have chosen not to be. it is a good idea to keep this in mind, life and death is not a “if it was me” fantasy.

does this mean you can’t have a valid opinion? of course you can…. as long as you understand that an opinion on what you are not living may not match the the one that is actually being lived.

be fair…this is hard enough as it is.

saints welcomes…libby and lady from TG…LOVELY little couch potatoes who have kept me company while i watched a bit of tv.

saints also welcomes “broken tail” who will now be known as  webster. he came via VHS…a street cat one of their volunteers had been feeding for the past couple of years and now she is moving so he needed a place to go before winter. he is currently a bit sedated because we had him fiv/felv tested which he wasn’t too keen on and sent off a geri-panel to see if there is anything we need to know about him… not sure if he is lovely or not but whatever…eventually he will be.

a couple of tours today and terri and her grand daughter came from shar pei rescue to spend some time with chyna, a new mom and daughter volunteer crew who just jumped right in today (yay and thank you!)

coco went home to her family…miss you little cocopuff.
i am tired and sore and achy but i better get the barn guys to bed because eva is taking me out for dinner to my FAVORITE place which i am really looking forward to and maybe it will perk me up.

all is sort of well tonight on the saints front…spritely brought us our much needed miracle. tugs and sparky and raymond continue to be a concern as does spunky who just will not come out of the bathroom yet….but other than that all seems well.

oh and yes…cuddles has finally forgiven me.

pissing off people is easy…write a blog. someone somewhere will take offence because they will assume you are talking about them…..not that you can possibly just be talking about an issue, or god forbid someone else….sigh, it is always about us.

pissing off the animals is a challenge, but i managed to seriously piss off both monty and cuddles at 4 am this morning cuz i had to pee. they didn’t get mad cuz i disturbed their sleep…heck, i do that several times every night, nothing new there.

but monty is freaking fat and he is not grooming himself so great. so while i was up and he was sleeping i grabbed a comb to get the matts out of his back (a rescuers work is apparently never done.) anyway…i did get those freaking matts out and he is thoroughly choked at me…whatever…i know his back feels better and so does he.

cuddles was an accident…while i was trying to get thru the little gate (to grab the comb i had strategically placed for when the opportunity arose,) AND without my usual posse…i accidently closed the gate on cuddle’s face and now he is pissed off at me. i watched him huff off to the couch to sleep while shooting me a dirty look. and i was tired so i let him go figuring he would come back to me…not.

this morning when i got up, he was no where to be seen and then i saw him glance around the corner at me and purposely turn his back and walk away.

wow cuddles..that is the same kind of shit my ex used to do…silent but deadly guilt arrows directly at the heart of you.

whatever….i said i was sorry at the time, and i am, sorry i hurt your feelings, but you were in the wrong place at the wrong time when i was in a hurry to torment monty before he decided to leave.

get over it, the last thing i need is a pissed off poodle glaring at me.

she is not feeling so great tonight…they pulled two massively side by side abcessed and broken teeth. her poor pointy face is swollen right up to her eye but she is on pretty good pain meds tonight. they flushed out the cavity with iodine plus she is still on ABX so hopefully that swelling will go down soon and she will start feeling better.

i said my good byes to coco puff this morning while we still lay in bed in the dark. she did well with her surgery today and her family will pick her up directly from the clinic tomorrow. i pray to god that i made the right decision for her and that this is what coco would have chosen…the problem is…her family told me what they wanted but i couldn’t hear what cocopuff had to say. right or wrong decision…i will never know, i will just worry and wonder for a very, very long time.

i will say this tho..that after 6 weeks of caring for and loving that dog…i would pay anything to have her back again if that was what she really wanted too.

oka is up and down…i am not too happy with how he is doing.

jack is an awesome dog, phyllis is an absolute doll and i have heartburn tonight from way too much worry…hopefully with spritely doing well again my heart will stop doing freaking flip flops BEFORE my esophagus melts away.

it is supposed to be a beautiful weekend!

“that horse is a miracle”…her euth for tomorrow is cancelled, the foot is healing, the leg looks better than it has in months…he also said…”i don’t know if it is you or her, but whatever it is, it is amazing”

i think that when so many of us are asking for whatever powers to be to help her…someone heard and took a look, saw how beautiful she is, inside and out and decided that this just did not yet have to be.

we all truly love you spritely.

so the shelter will open tomorrow at 9 am as per usual and thank you someone for this!