SAINTS

so i am thinking today…renee is quite sick with the flu..one of these days she is going to crash and call in sick. i grabbed today…had breakfast with mo at rocko’s, did a walk in the fields with mo and the dogs, then headed over to costco cuz my daughter’s birthday is coming up.

i bought her a couple of things and then decided to spoil myself so i bought a set of 3 old jazz CD’s….i do not have a CD player over in the house so i also bought a cheap curtis CD clock radio and a pair of soft slippers.

here is my plan..come home, tidy up the bathroom (it turned into a major clean) plug in the CD clock thing, run a hot bath and listen to louis armstrong while i soak in the tub. i did manage this…but it was a drag to put back on my work clothes again to do the evening chores.

pj’s and bathrobe after the bath would have been more relaxing.

rose is forever at my knee, waiting for me to stroke her…she gets stroked alot.

i bought a box of cheese stixs…we had those for dinner..i think that is way healthier than a handful of cookies. rose likes cheese stixs…so does everyone else so i am still sort of hungry..but not too worry..i bought some of those little tiny costco cinnamon buns too.

so now i am thinking…it is a good time for the pj thing…maybe a hot cup of tea with some baileys in it and some of those cinnamon things.

here is the thing about being alone….(with just animals living with you)…they think everything i decide, is a pretty good idea.

muffin was a little geriatric cocker out in foster care for the past couple of years. she had problems with glaucoma and about 8 months ago needed one of her eyes removed. her foster family took her into the vet just recently again…she was failing quickly, her other eye now needed to come out..her heart, and kidneys were in end stage failure…the vet recommended letting her go.

rest in peace little sweet muffin…thank you so much to her foster family for caring for her and loving her so well.

lady was a long haired daxi adopted a couple of years ago. she has had a long haul of health ups and downs. her mom sent me an email today to let me know that lady (now dolly) reached the end of her road.

rest in peace little first lady…i am so glad you ended you life in a home so well loved.

i deal with the fact that i am held virtually immobile while i sleep…i get the whole quality of their life thing which happens to involve being plastered up against me while we sleep.

but it is when i wake up, that their badness really begins…for once in the whole entire 24 hours they share the same thought in their heads.

“don’t move carol…ssshhhh, no don’t wake up yet….look at us…we are so quiet, and sweet….and comfortable. don’t get us started, don’t make us all excited with a brand new day….just stay here…warm, silent, soft and immobile…. for alittle while longer.”

they slowly stretch but just deeper into the bed and me. they softly burrow an inch further into the blanket and look at me with one sleepy eye each…..they send out the same mental message……”stay silly human, not yet….come back with us to sleep.”

bastards….

i wish could stay with them there all freaking day.

rose has a bad case of diarrhea, no control at all……she is quite upset by this and acts like she thinks i am going to be mad about it. i am not the least bit mad but i am worried how she will react to her bath tomorrow because now she really needs one and we have been putting it off because she is so afraid.

sorry babe, we can’t out it off anymore now.

max is still not great.

cole is not great tonight.

champ is glad to be home from the vets. he enjoyed his post op cheeseburger on the way home.

i had to turn the fireplaces and furnace on tonight…everyone is cold.

sigh..fall is here…winter is coming….i am so not ready for $2000 a month hydro and gas bills.

part of running a senior animal sanctuary means…actually running the freaking thing. i have been trying to avoid certain aspects of this jobfor a very long time. you can only avoid for so long and then…as a wise someone said the other day, in relation to something else….”suck it up buttercup”…this buttercup needs to start sucking it up and get the job done.

oh yay.

emily has started her weaning process…this process is pissing her off.

edith is still acting weird.

the kitchen sink is leaking, the plumbers are coming tomorrow.

hopefully tomorrow is the last water delivery.

champ went in tonight for his surgery tomorrow.

bobbie brown is eating better (if i sit with him while he eats.)

max is not well today…not sure what is going on but i will try to get him in for a check up this week.

the new washer was delivered and hooked up today.

one more shift and then five days off..i have big plans for this set off cuz they are the last multiple set for the next 8 weeks so i need to make them count.

 

i did not sleep well last night…still awake after 1 am and up for work at 5…barf.

we are up to 11 dogs in the bed…prudence has discovered it and lucy is here visiting again for a few days. i do not like the kingsized bed as well..it esthetically does not look as nice in the room as my old maple double…AND it is far less comfortable. sigh….whatz a person (with a bunch of needy dogs) to do?

i woke up last night to a very restricted and warm and heavy feeling inside my pajama top. i lifted the covers to have a look and i saw tia’s upside down butt, feet and tail sticking out of my neckline. now there was a scary view.

it is no wonder i don’t sleep well at night…i am continually being taken advantage of by burrowing, heat seeking, torpedo shaped daxi’s….they really are both very cute (tia and daphne 2….the sneaky and slightly creepy, inside yer shirt, very sweet duo.)

we think lucas had some pain issues today…or maybe it is something else. but he is panting more than usual. i will give him an extra tramadol tonight.

bobbie brown is a tuna freak. felix liked the cassarole that laura made up for him. and edith would not eat her grain tonight, but i did see her eating some hay. i am watching you, little miss “i can’t swim very well” librarian looking pygmy with the out to lunch and aging brain. all she needs is the little black hat and stiff shiny handbag..she already as the grey hair and the prim and stern little face. i will think on that while i sleep.

bedtime…yay!

the vet came to see edith today..i called them this morning because late yesterday afternoon, she fell in the pond. nicole heard the splash and went running and there was edith going under and struggling til she got the hang of swimming. nicole could not see any reason for her to have fallen in the pond, there were no other animals in sight. but i suspect edith is quite elderly and a bit confused so no telling why she fell in.

anyway..i was worried that if she sucked some water into her lungs, she could be in trouble in a couple of days. so the vet came out, checked her out and gave her a long acting antibiotic injection propholactically so she doesn’t develop an aspiration pneumonia.

apparently edith was none too happy with the poking precaution.

just a quick update on the new guys in..angie, the 17 yr old cat is doing ok..but she does not want to come out of her intro. cage.

archie is a sweet hoot..he is no longer a nasty biting guy..he is a very nice 17 yr old dog.

felix will NOT eat any kind of dog food…and we have tried it all. he was forever fed on human food and he will have nothing to do with anything else. today he had chef boyardie and eggs. laura is going to cook up my special “i don’t eat dog food” casserole and we will see if he eats it (cuz there is puppy food kibble hidden in it)

prudence is lovely…”dear prudence..la  la la la da” (can’t remember the words.) but she is a dear so if any of you know them, please post so i can sing them to her.

sickie’s update…

apollo is home..his blood sugars are back up in the high 20’s. we are starting him at just once a week on the cushings med and will see if his blood sugars go down without him crapping out.

bobbie brown is doing ok post surgery..but he is still so very shy. it’s sad to see a cat who views the world thru such frightened eyes…he has no confidence in himself.

ok..laura and i are going out for supper (cuz lana is somewhere in hippy beach, bon fire, music world) and i am going to fill her in on the world upside down changes that we are implementing here. it is repayment for helping me around here tonight.

writing a daily blog. sometimes it is hard not to have it run like some kind of endless, whining, depressing, crazy soap opera….i don’t think that is so much my lack of imagination as it is sometimes the reality here. the sad will be written before the happy or funny, and the pissed right off will vent its frustration and bury the gratitude.

every day i am thankful for the support and the volunteers. everyday there is something happening that brings a smile..even on the rotten days the sun can still shine. so on those rainy, dreary, downer days..i am more likely to write about the 16 hours of wet than i am of that 30 second rainbow that i happened to see.

partly this is because, we all know how i feel about the fairy tale rescue. i think it is dangerous to make it sound all fluffy and clean. firstly, it takes away from the honest difficulty of a life dedicated to animals. secondly it encourages people to come on and do the same but like a used car salesman…the proverbial little old lady driven car…no worries, no problems..just buy on in on a perfect deal…its fun, its rewarding, you get to wear some wings. and thirdly, and most importantly…mzaybe i am jaded, maybe i just truly do suck at this thing. but i don’t think so…i don’t think rescue is any easier or cleaner or less fraught with disaster anywhere else..i think rescuers sometimes hide (or pretend didn’t happen) whatever they think might reflect badly on themselves. so they either rewrite it or ignore it altogether. you and i will only see or hear the positive, happy stuff….cuz rescue is always clean. (not just talking about floors here…also talking about intangible things)

anyway…that puts a lot of pressure on everyone else in rescue to be squeaky clean, happy ending, hero in the fairy tale with all of the right answers too. i don’t mind living up or comparing myself to true blue perfect, if there was such a thing..but i am not too happy to be in comparison to half or no truths. that just pisses me off.

so here’s the thing..unless you live here 24/7 or come here a helluvalot or can see right into my sometimes messed up brain..you don’t know what truth i tell you or not.

i do try to be honest in what i wrote on this blog.

now having said this..here is the cruncher thing…i am willing to bet that sometimes i lie to myself and don’t even realize i am doing it…..it is a survival thing.

but i am going to try really hard not to lie to you or me about yesterday. it sucked.

i spent the morning talking to every single appilance dealer in maple ridge mission and abbotsford. i visited each store, i talked to the personnel, i was determined to pick the right washer and get it delivered before the current leaking, unfixable one rots the wall again.

i was overwhelmed with techno info which i hate under the best of circumstances..this washer has 232 moving parts, this one only has 80..one is direct drive one is not. the difference between commercial grade and commercial home use machines.

we have very little money right now..i have to be careful. by noon, i made the decision and headed home again. i got home at 1230…i still had not done the diabetics and we had a sensitive staff meeting at one where i was about to turn the world upside down around here.

nicole met me and told me as i poked the diabetics that colleen had told her that marty cried whwen she picked him up this morning…i filed this into…marty is getting close, keep an eye on him. the meeting went ok…but i know the staff are not happy and i am feeling burdened with trying to run a large sanctuary without some of the necessary skills.

tammy pops into the tail end of the meeting and says,  “can you come and look at marty? he’s not doing very well. i say “ok, be right there, almost done.”

maybe 20-30 minutes later, i make it into the medical….his respirations are rapid, he is having trouble breathing. i call the vets and say we are on our way in, marty has reached the end of his road.

i had the carrier on my lap, i tell him, it’s ok…nicole is trying to get by all of the road challenges in our way. tammy and meghann are in the back seat so i don’t know what they could see, but suddenly..marty hit the crises…he just couldn’t breathe. he threw himself around the carrier, panicking.

i left it too long…last night for the first time, i saw his respiration rate had started to slightly increase. i had other things on my mind like staffing issues and washing machines, boo and spritely. i thought at the time..the progression is beginning but i thought we still had time before i needed to act.

marty didn’t have much time left and i was not focusing where i should be. marty died quickly…5 minutes maybe of not being able to breathe.

it is a shitty way to die, quick or not.

and it was entirely my fault.

so i can’t grieve for him right now because i am too horrified by my part in how he died.

that is the truth of this rescue, yesterday. the washing machine and the staff meeting were more of a priority than marty for me.

and…it is too late now…so…i carry knowing this around while i learn to live with it.

 

to a sudden respiratory crises. he died on the way to the vet.

i am too done with death this week to grieve for him right now.

he will stay inside of me, patiently waiting, until i can absorb the loss of him.

i am sorry marty.

 

there were five cats that came in from a private “cat rescue” who was having trouble with landlords over the 150 cats in a one bedroom apartment. we took 5 senior cats..covered in lice, ringworm, fleas and all with very sore mouths. they were jacob, pops, hester, mae and boo.

pops and jacob were simply velcro cats…they always had to be touching you.

jacob was FIV positive and lived for riding around on your shoulders. he could leap across the room and land square on top of you. this was because he had excellent landing gear and would sink his claws deep into your skin to hold on.

pops was the icky drooling one, he also was FIV positive…he always had a slimey waterfall of drool dripping down from his mouth. but good lord that cat was so sweet. he sat on the counter, staring you wiith such adoration in his eyes as he reached out to touch you somewhere.

hester and mae were just nice, gentle cats. they were polite and not as in your face as pops and jacobs but they loved affection none the less. they just both had a bit more dignity when seeking it out than our love starved boys.

the cats ranged in age from boo at 12 to pops at 15…all of them died within the first three of years except boo…i think she was just too mean.

she was so angry and utterly pissed right off. i don’t know if it was just her temperment or if it was because she was de-clawed. but if there was a more ill tempered cat who had absolutely no use for stupid humans…well, i never met one.

i think it was three full years before i ever touched her without wiping blood off of me. and boo would purposely put herself right under my nose so every time i fell for her tricks.

she was like suzie…she liked being bad..it made her happy for some odd reason. maybe she was getting even for someone cutting off her toes but she sure enjoyed making me pay.

finally, a couple of years ago…boo and i became friends. i was allowed to touch her kindly once or twice and then i was to withdraw my hand. from then on she quit biting me…her whacking at me with her feet became sort of a game. i would be late for work and digging around in my sock drawer and she would lay leaning over and watching while whacking me with her feet.

and she whacked hard…it was like a mini punch…ker-thump, you felt the force of her blow.

but she enjoyed beating me up, she thought it was all in good fun.

i have always had a soft spot for animals rescued from rescuers…i can deal with the fact that the ignorant world at large hurt them, neglected them, caused them pain..but i can’t wrap my brain around them suffering the same in rescue.

the plague cats (and the americats and the forgotten feline cats) remind me to watch my own limits. to make sure that i am really doing them some kind of favor. they keep themselves forever as the saints guardians to ensure that ones who come after are always safe from me causing them harm.

the passing of boo is the passing on an era, in a few more months, she would have been seventeen….the plague cats have always had a presence at saints, almost since the day we started.

i just wanted to tell their story, lest i ever fall and forget.

they were all very good cats…i will always remember you.