tonight when i went to bed i was fantasizing about closing saints. just locking the gates and stopping right here today. i could manage i think, it might be a struggle but every day is a struggle so that's nothing new, and eventually it would have to get easier. let's face it, there are alot of animals here who won't see the end of this year and more who won't see all of next year either. i think in a few years, i could be down to normal and easily managable, or at least a more normal and managable for me. anyway, that wondering drove me right out of bed to look at it some more.
so i am wondering about this, but then i think...hmmmm, why do you want to shut this all down? what's making you think this right now? it is not because of the pee and the poop, or the hairballs or the muddy feet, or the never ending laundry. it is not because of the sickness and dying either, that is all normal daily stuff, nothing new there to upset me. i think it is because of something that's not even real, not even solid enough to see or touch. it is something weird that i feel right in my chest. this crushing unseen, disconnected thing and i don't like it weighing on me. it makes me feel not right which supremely bugs me because i have worked hard at feeling right in my world.
i wonder if i shut and lock all the gates and keep saints here just for me all alone, if that weight will get lighter or disappear all together. it is an interesting thought to peel apart and think about more.
sigh...i am assuming that whatever i am battling, will eventually get better and just go away like most bad things usually do. i am assuming i will stop feeling unsettled and will once again fit like i used to fit here before. and i won't lock the gates or exclude the world from here cuz that not only would be really selfish, but hello carol? that was never part of the dream or the plan...but gosh tonight when i started wondering and thinking of this, i kind of felt a slight lightening inside me, like it might just be nice for a change. oh well, it might be nice for me but it would suck for the animals and saints does not suck for the animals even in night time pretending. they like the reality we have here.
i really got to figure out how not to wonder about stuff in the dark. where is the off switch? it must of shorted out when i fractured my ankle. my surgeon should have fixed that.