i am pretty sure now that tyra is having small strokes.

she had that one little what i thought was a seizure the other day and another one again tonight. she is alert enough and eating and drinking ok as long as i bring it to her. she will get up to go outside to pee if i make her but mostly she just occasionally moves from bed to bed.

i took her out tonight but then phoebe got into her face and she lost her balance and sunk to the ground. she did not want to get up again so i carried her into the house but once she was in, she was able to walk on her own back to bed.

i find myself crying for the past 24 hours whenever i am alone and not busy concentrating on the tasks in front of me. part of it is the guilt from my getting mad at her on saturday night and between my upsetting her and griffin adding his 2 cents worth at the same time...totally freaking her out. i think the only other time i was ever really mad at her was many years ago...she used to attack the fence when my elderly neighbor was out puttering around in her garden.......but she was much, much younger, not teetering on the edge of her road.

and here is the other thing...in retrospect, i knew she was getting old. she stopped bombing around the farm months ago. lately she has just been hanging out inside the house and amusing herself stealing the cat food bowls. for the past year or so she has been losing control of her bladder and peeing on the beds.

i also realize now that when i got so mad at her...she was thinking about food in bowls and not about giving sammy shit. i think she thought i was mad at her over stealing the food...not over scaring the shit out of sammy and me in the dark.

whatever...the point is this...saturday night was the crises that brought both mine and tyra's world tumbling down.....it was the night that suddenly...tyra became very old because i (and griffin) made her feel vulnerable. both tyra and i have been in denial...both of us pretended she was still in her prime..both of us refused to see the signs of her 14 years of living creeping silently up on us.

so why did i not see that my precious girl was suddenly old, deaf and getting frail? i knew she was 14 yrs old and i even recently figured out that she was deaf. but i think i really did not believe that her being 14 years old made any difference to her or to me...she was just going to go on forever being tyra right in your face...it is who she has always been.

i did talk to the vet today and she suggested that unless she gets worse to just let her rest and maybe give her some high doses of B vitamins til she finds her feet again. i really do not want to stress her out more by taking her into the vet because she really does stress out at the vets and i do not want her stressed out any more...she doesn't appear painful in any way (but we are giving her pain meds just in case), she is eating and drinking all of the canned food and water that i deliver to her so i guess i am just doing the hope is floating thing and praying that tyra pops back into real herself again and pokes her foot in my eye.

i don't know where this is going but hope floats with a lot of my tears.

there is a ton of other saints news which i don't feel like talking about tonight..partly because i just want to think about tyra now..and partly because i was messing things up with a whole bunch of bad decisions that i am ok that i made.

the long and short of it is...i brought in some battery hens and set them up in that empty pen..i brought in some rabbits and set them up in the rabbit room...both were in hanging wire cages which i believe sucked big time for them....i have been intending to go get them for the past week but was hoping the chained donkey was gone before i went back. sadly he wasn't, so i brought him home too.

this was almost as bright as my auction adventure....altho this time i do believe i was manipulated by the hand of fate which mistakenly sent a weanie out into the real world to check on a donkey chained along the side of the road.
oh well they are all very nice animals and all of them are already very happy here....maybe we can find them solid gold homes.