doris

i don't talk about doris very much, but i think about her a lot. she has been here for maybe 3 or 4 years?

we barely manage to keep a handle on her skin and eye issues issues with oral atopecia, ketoconazole, 2 diffferent eye drops and twice weekly medicated baths.
she does occasionally sit and bark over and over when she wants something in particular and she stops when we finally figure out what it is and give it to her. but that is the only connection she has to any of us, the rest of the time she lives in her own insular world.

i wonder if most animals were like doris and just didn't really give anything back to us...how many of us would be involved in rescue? i know i find the lack of connection with her to be difficult...sometimes i ponder on her and try to decide what goes on in her head and if she even is capable of feeling any real joy in her life or is life itself just something she stoically bears.

merry currently is in far worse shape and yet she still every night actively seeks to lay herself close to me, she comes looking for a personal connection, she wants to be touched kindly and feel loved.
doris just doesn't care.

and doris has been like this since the day she arrived...she likes food, she likes walks, she likes to toddle around on the grass but an actual and real emotional connection with any of the other animals or a human is not something she is remotely interested in.

so i think about her a lot...where did she come from, why is she like this..why is she so completely emotionally utterly flat? sometimes i wonder if i shouldn't just euthanize her..would being done with the whole existing thing set her finally free?

or would she even care?

the sense i get from doris is...she pretty much doesn't give a shit....about anything. ...it is all the same to her. nothing makes her happy..nothing upsets her too much either except...she really does actively dislike her twice weekly baths...those she could do without. but everything else for her is just one big...whatever...makes no difference to her...she simply does not care.

and there is a consequence to this...doris's inability or outright refusal to engage emotionally with any of us means...doris is just here. we feed her, we medicate her, we give her the baths...we carry her outside and back inside again, we watch her to make sure she is safe and no one is bugging her and that she is doing ok.

but she is not high on anyone's list of the animals they come here to be with...no one feels their heart swell up with the warmth of shared love when doris walks in...she doesn't ever do anthing to make anyone laugh...she doesn't even ever piss anyone off...doris is just sort of...there.

dogs like phoebe force us to acknowledge and give them their due...dogs like mystic just open the gates to us and let our emotions joyfully flow thru. even the bunnies and the chickens can touch us in ways as they happily accept the care and the gifts that we offer to share.

i have never had an animal like doris...even dixie chick while not liking me, has an emotional connection with the other cats that i can obviously see and she does really appreciate when she is looking for some extra canned food when i hike my ass off to get it for her. no one can miss the chickens joy when ko brings them their peas and corn, or the bunnies deep contentment in their clean pens with their very good friends.

i wonder about doris and what her total and complete disconnect does really mean...is it just her...or is it me? have i just not been able to unlock her door with the secret right key?

i think about doris a lot.

i wish she would talk to me.