we don't need any of the difficulties that life presents...

but the fact of fhe matter is...life is for most of us difficult.

it is not an easy thing...living.

i am lucky..i have the blog. i can spew out my perception of each difficult day and purge it. you guys are unlucky cuz you have to read it. must get tiring reading my whining day after day. but i figure most of you just skim thru, cherry picking the things that you want to know about. that is what i would do. constantly reading about difficult days is just as about tiring as living them.

here is the thing tho...i do most things for a reason..i am not a victim of much. you could not stop me from settling deanna's affairs as much as i am able.... no matter how difficult. i heard the advice of others, walk away. it was good advice...but not for me. i walk away when i have to, when i have reached the door to impossible for me, not just when the going is tough.

and for all of my bitching and whining and complaining..i am honored to do this for someone i cared about and i want to be worthy of her trust. this experience is a great lesson for me, much needed and greatly appreciated. ask anyone around me...my organization, my follow thru paperwork skills totally suck. my final affairs are not in any kind of anyone's idea of order. if i die today the aftershock of figuring things out will be an absolute nightmare of gigantic proportions.

deanna still teaches me even after her death. plus i have gotten to know her so much better. i have so much more understanding and respect for the life that she lived to help animals. i owe her this.
saints is the beneficiary of deanna's thus far missing signed will. it doesn't matter that there isn't any actual money involved. saints, you, me and my family will all greatly benefit from what i am doing for her right now.

no pain, no gain and i choose not to live life in a easier cocoon.

please never take my fussing too far to heart..i only do what i need to do.