thinking about it all.

I sometimes wonder how long is my real should have done, could have done better list. I think it is pretty damn long. I wonder a lot about what comes after life...nothing at all? heaven, hell, another kick at the being alive ball?

it doesn't really matter what I believe in terms of what comes next. I can believe whatever I want to believe, the truth of the matter is..like every other living thing in this universe, I haven't a clue what comes after death. and none of us are going to know the truth until we actually get there.
I think at some point I need to accept that I am never in this lifetime going know if existence is greener on the other side of the life/death fence.
I personally find this not knowing a bit frustrating. how can I make sense of the struggles in living, of the sometimes deep suffering I witness in living if I can't see if there is a freaking goal post somewhere out there?

it occurs to me that maybe I live my life based on the reward system...if I do the very best that I can, if I play the game of life to the very best of my ability..maybe I will get something at the end? funny tho, because this is not what I actually believe outside of me. if I believed in just that then I would have to accept that some of these dickheads that i love so well, are going to be screwed in the end. after all of their struggles, after all of the times they messed things up..i don't want them eternally screwed because they weren't always nice. clyde, fletcher, jerry, puff, odie? I love(d) those little bastards and I want them to be eternally happy and free.

so I guess I somehow believe in a two-tiered after life system..one that forgives and forgets for everyone I love but not for me? arghh... probably can't believe in it both ways...so which is it for me?

its a locked and closed door that ain't going to open until I die and right now I don't have time to die. there's too much to do while being alive. jenn's wedding is coming, ethan might be a lobster for halloween, Annabelle has many more princess dresses to wear, and I am going to get to hold griffin on sunday, saints is not where I want it to be yet, Gideon still needs to be watched like a hawk, nikki still wants to be fed, my ugly leg is still ugly and un-ugly is weeks away yet.

every time someone dies around here, I start questioning..did I do right? did I do wrong? where are they now? and is it wonderful?
please let it be unbelievably, inconceivably wonderful...please let them be happy and overflowing with peace. I need to know they are all ok, that whatever they lived thru in life was worth it.

I am never going to know, not until I actually go. and I am not going yet.

I love the ones who have passed. I love the ones who are still here. and I will love the ones who have yet to get here.

new cat.
I picked her up at the vets yesterday. I got the call while I was work. her name is cali and she is a 12 yr old attack cat. she liked the elderly lady she lived with but went after everyone else who dared to come into her world. she attacked family and home support workers and had to be shut in the bedroom when anyone came to her home.
anyway, the woman needed to go into facility care and this violently aggressive cat who loved one person only, had no where to go except to the clinic for euthanization.

she loved, she lost. she put all of her eggs in one single elderly basket.... not very bright of her.

oh well. she made a mistake, she didn't think her life all of the way thru.
lets see if she can adjust and learn that in order to survive this life with some kind of happiness..her eggs now need to be put out there and shared.

and yes cali, whether you think you want it or not..we will love you too.

thinking of you Britney this morning. miss you and really hoping all is wonderfully wonderful where ever you are now.