i want to talk about death, actually i want to talk about life…..

Posted: July 31, 2007 at 12:48 am

because alot of people love tom and i have gotten quite a few calls and emails tonight about letting him go. everybody has a different belief on death and how and when it should happen. i showed a picture of molly today to some of the nurses and because she looks so horrible they thought it was cruel not to put her down. except looking horrible does not mean feeling horrible, she quit feeling horrible once those millions of fleas that were living on her were killed. so now she is hairless and she has damaged, thickened, elephant skin….it doesn’t hurt her in the least but it hurts the people who see her. oh well, not her problem or mine either. she likes nachos and she really likes me to kiss her face. it is a decent start for her second day here.

pops, romeo, wee hopeful bug, dexter, the icky chi’s, ogidie, jessica, michael, bill and now molly, ruby and tom. all ancient or sick animals…all visually hurtful to human eyes in one way or another. we equate looks with suffering. we equate disease and dying with irredeemible pain. well it is not. pain, nausea, diarrhea, constipation, shortness of breath can all mostly be controlled with medications as needed.  some days everything falls apart and it is a scramble to get back on track. that is what palliative  care and palliative meds are for…not to prolong life but maintain it’s comfort. it does not stop the ravages of the disease, and eventually the disease wins. but there can be some really good times in between. dexter is almost skeletal now, he is dumping weight daily….the tumours on him are huge… but that dog doesn’t care, and he doesn’t care because he is on a good palliative medication regime…he likes his food and he likes his sticks and he likes to goof around the pond. he does not care what he looks like to other people or what they imagine he must feel. he tells us what he feels: he feels we should spend more time down at the pond and find him some more sticks and maybe order him a pizza while we are at it.

today, tom is not ready to go. he is having a good day. his meds have been adjusted, his feeding has been switched to small frequent meals so he is less likely to vomit, he is on tramadol for any possible pain now too. tomorrow i am picking up new meds to increase his gastric motility so the food doesn’t hang around in his stomach for so long making him sick. tonight while i was cleaning, he was with me every step on the way. he was wrecking my swept up dirt piles, he was blocking where i wanted to wash the floor. and every time i passed the fridge, ever hopeful tom was hoping for another treat. he is licking my sore ankle at this particular moment and he is very much the same tom who was ruling my world a couple of weeks ago.

i will not let him suffer. i love him. but i won’t for convenience or for the sake of a warm and fuzzy ending send him off before he says he is ready to go. and if that means a middle of the night crises, oh well…we have the drugs to help him stay comfortable and calm until we can get a hold of a vet.

i make mistakes with all of this, each life’s ending is different. and i carry the burden when i don’t get it right…it hurts…alot and for a very long time (like forever). which is why i struggle, and watch, and plan the best i can for their ultimate right to determine when they are ready to go and then i do my best to make it as peaceful and easy as possible.

most here are euthanized when they are ready, a few grab the ball and run to their deaths on their own. not every death can be predicted and planned to perfection, death is not really meant to go like that, as much as we think it can be. not unless i am going to play it safe and send them off before they are really done with it all. to me, when i get it wrong and rush them…it feels like murder. if i wait too long, i have inflicted pain and suffering but if i wait til they want to go, then it is simply a release.

i don’t have a right to take their lives until they want to give them away.

i don’t have a right to make them live past the time that they want to live.

and i don’t have the right to knowingly make them fit my timetable or my vision of their perfect death.

but i do have the obligation to try to do the very best that i can for them no matter what greets us on any particular day.

at this moment i am content with how tom and dexter and micheal and remy and bill and ogidie and jesse and molly and ruby are doing…tomorrow this might change for one or more of them. and then i will do the best that i can for whoever it is who needs me to do it.

 

4 Comments on "i want to talk about death, actually i want to talk about life….."

  • Angela from NY says

    Sounds like no matter how many times you have this choice in front of you it doesn’t get any easier. and how could it. But Its quite clear to anyone who knows you or doesn’t know you more than this blog that you do your absolute best to make the right decision if forced to and only the absolute best for all the animals…..

  • Diane says

    Like in any given situation, there are a lot of people that “know best” and criticize a person’s choices no matter what they they are. Fortunately you make the decisions according to your heart and intelligence for these animals and not according to everyone’s opinion. You are the one with the expertise in this area and you love these animals and with this combination I am sure you ALWAYS make the right choices. It must be difficult to hear these negative comments when you are doing your best for each and every one of them. Keep up the good work Carol. I BELIEVE IN S.A.I.N.T.S and I BELIEVE IN YOU and still am awe-struck with how much you do on a daily basis with decisions and the care you give your animals! Go with your heart……..and the heart’s of the animals as you have done before…..YOU DO A GREAT JOB!

  • Carol says

    in this regard, never negative comments to me personally (altho i do occasionally hear the utter crap and stupidity from the rumour mill)…the emails and phone calls last night, were just concern and caring because people do care about these guys…and that is always a good thing and the real point of this blog. so that people do care about an 18 yr old skinny daxi with cancer and without a home. they care enough to bring him KFC or to come and sit with him on their laps when he doesn’t feel well. and with caring and concern, comes fear. i am afraid all the time. i am afraid to lose them and i am afraid to not let them go. i guess i write about my fear and my struggles so i am not alone. and also so there is never anything hidden about what this all really means. which is life and death and how that all comes about in a sanctuary full of our friends.

  • Deb says

    It’s my hope that Dexter dies running in the lower field. He deserves to leave the world in a peaceful, uncomplicated way. Dex is a dog who knows, without a doubt, that he is loved, unconditionally and fully. His soul will rest easily.

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