Rescue Journal

figuring things out is a painful process

Carol · May 25, 2008

running a shelter or a sanctuary requires flexibility..i am not all that flexible in some things. i like things stable and predictable, i like things pleasant and safe. i have a comfort zone and i happen to like it in there. but sometimes when the rules start changing and my comfort zone starts shrinking, i find myself having to change along with it. not everyone likes this, esp. if they started the whole change. ripples in the pond are not always predictable, and cause and affect are sometimes quite surprising....maybe things would remain more predictable in a one-sided world but we don't happen to have one of those.
i have to re-think things all the time...the benefits and liabilities to saints...i weigh the pro's and con's, i try to see into the future and i look a little more critically into the past and present. i wonder if people can even conceive of what a difficult place it is to be in, day in and day out without end...i am responsible for the wellbeing of all of the animals, i am responsible for the wellbeing of saints as a whole. i am not allowed to be a real person and sometimes avoid or turn a blind eye to the things that are not in the best interests of my primary goals...i am not allowed to ignore my job just because it is uncomfortable sometimes.
if anyone asked what is the hardest part of running saints, it is this....the non negotiable necessity of always putting saints before everything else.... it makes me want to hide, it makes me sick to my stomach as i gear up to face what i just want to go away...i am a lily-livered coward forced by necessity to pretend to be brave.

and sadly i do not come across as a coward at all, and i don't come across as very brave...i come across exactly as i am...an unmoving, unfeeling hard-ass with only one thing in her head....cuz even tho the rest of the world is multi-sided, when i am here... i am not...i am only saints.
it sucks.

Comments

lynne

yes i agree with deb carol do not be so hard on your self so tough and at times i imagine overwhelming but you always seem to come out on top. these animals would be nowhere without you. love you lynne

Carol

ahhh you guys...you have never been on the wrong side of my brick wall...i built that wall, brick by brick...we all have a bit of an unmoving, unfeeling, hard ass inside us that enables us do what we have to do....i am just more familiar with mine by virtue of what i do....and i learned that each time i unleashed her, she grew a bit bigger too.

all long time rescuers have that side of them, the miss congeniality inside us is a liability sometimes so we nurture the hard ass to step up when she has to.

yvette knows, she has a brick wall too.

sigh....i am a plant with a brick wall...hah! like a shadowy secret garden, except it is not so secret anymore cuz i just describe it to you!

Jenine

Well said Deb. I did not know the right words
to say. So thank you. Carol, listen to Deb.

Deb

Well Carol, what's there to say? You are damn well not a coward, you have to take a deep breath and hold on for dear life sometimes, but in the end, you do what you know is best, regardless of criticism, self doubt or anything else that makes you pause.

Where in your psyche lives an unmoving, unfeeling hard ass? Tough as nails when the situation requires it? Yeah.One who uses her head when it would be so much easier to use your heart, Yeas to that, too.

You are hoeing a very long, hard road, Carol. Give yourself a break, will you please?

Yvette~Turtle Gardens

Amen. I totally understand 'cause I am Turtle Gardens.The animals come first - always.