i was falling asleep while driving home from work today

Posted: June 28, 2008 at 8:09 pm

4:30 in the afternoon and i can’t keep my eyes open and on the road. i started to cry when talking to nicole and zoe on my lunch break about mugsy and jeanette…i am just so bone weary tired and it is not just because jeanette can’t get up and sparky had a stroke and mugsy died and i feel crushed by those responsibilities. there are unhappy donors whose tax receipts didn’t arrive, people who come here without any notice at all and at the very worst of times, a legal battle to regain occupency of one of our buildings that we desperately need for storage that i made the mistake of renting out cheap as a favour when we didn’t currently need it’s use.

animals sick, animals dying, desperate animals trying to get in here every single day and i have to waste time and energy and money on lawyers and hearings for a building that i busted my ass and mortgaged my life to be able to own and use for the animals when needed and apparently i am not supposed to reclaim it for saints use for storage, i guess i am supposed to build an entirely new building for saints…it is just sickenly stupid.
i am so tired of being exhausted, i am so tired of being a caregiver, i am so tired of being a victim to selfish petty human greed and need. i am tired of being called a F’ing B’ by those who i won’t let walk all over me because the animals actually need me to stay upright…i am tired of people thinking we owe them something…if no one owes me anything for all that i do, then how could we possibly owe someone else for so much less?

where is the honor and kindness and fairness in life…. the simple clean act of giving and taking with fairness and honor?…why do humans just have to make things all dirty and above all why do they have to do that here and when we are struggling to care for the animals that no one else wants…including them?

that is what i am really tired of…humans that come into saints dream and try their damnest to turn into a nightmare for all of us here.

i swear to god i am so close to shutting this place down and letting it fade away, i am so tired of everything….this is not burnout….this is a very deep and abiding anger and protest to the unfairness of it all and i am tired of feeling angry too….i want my peace back, i want to do my work in peace and harmony…that is the only thing here that truly belongs to me anyway.

4 Comments on "i was falling asleep while driving home from work today"

  • Beverly says

    hmmm, when I have shitty days like this I take 2 Malamutes and go to bed….try Jesse 🙂

    I hope you have a better day tomorrow Carol, a BS free day!

  • (((((((((((( Carol))))))))))))))))
    I am going to come out to see you soon as I can… I will call first. Some days I will never understand the world, or the people in it . All I can see is many, many, lost and scared souls being forced to die alone and unloved. The world needs to stop hiding. I think when they have to go into the kennel and get that scared lost soul and put him on the table to die surrounded by strangers, we should open the doors for all to see. That way people might just understand what you do. It might remind them when they say such horrible things they are really just hurting these poor lost souls. They just might have to think the truth every second you waste your time stressing about other things, you’re not doing what you do best (loving the hopeless) and the lost souls are going to die unloved and alone. Yes, I know this seems a little harsh and maybe a little dramatic, but we have to remind ourselves if you’re shocked. This is something that Carol does way way too often. She has the courage to go to the vet’s and fill the room full of love instead of just death. The most important fact is she does it all out in the open for all to see. She is a true thought leader and has the courage and stength to share the dark side of our world. She is slowly showing society the reality of its actions in hopes that they might change their ways and there are no more lost, lonely, broken souls dying alone in a room full of strangers. That’s why I respect Carol so much and love her. Because I know I could never do what she does, and I am so glad she is in the world. I have seen seen scared lonely broken souls die, in a room full of stangers. Stan

  • I don’t understand it either as I want the best for you and the Saints. I have to admit being very tired too as I am working at trying to be as helpful as I can to Saints and all the wonderful times that we have had and will have. I find it difficult to understand why anyone would put theirself before the animals at Saints as alot of them have escaped that very thing by coming to Saints.

    It is so important that the people that work at Saints and volunteer do their jobs well and with a happy heart as the animals need to feel that to do well and enjoy the rest of their lives. That is what they deserve. Their illnesses and hardships in the last part of their lives will then be minimized. Why anyone would want to inconvienience these wonderful animals is beyond me. I will be there in the am. Eva

  • Deb says

    The problem, Carol, as I see it, involves the fact that when it comes down to the brass tacks, you and the animals are SAINTS. SAINTS is as much a part of you as your skin, and like your skin, SAINTS needs protection from the elements. There are many who support you, some you probably couldn’t do without, like Moe and Nicole; but at the end of the day, while taking your hot bath, I worry that the ever-growing weight of responsibility on your shoulders will simply get too heavy, and you will drown.

    The whole situation with the outbuilding is the extension of nothing but one wrongheaded person who does not like women, does not take direction well, and absolutely hates being supervised by a female. You will win this battle, simply because you are right.

    I’m so sorry you are feeling significantly more fatigued, stressed, frustrated and hurt after you have had your vacation.

    I’ve never heard you sound so totally defeated, my friend.We have to find a way to lessen your stress and anxiety, as well as creating a code of conduct pertaining to visitors, staff, volunteers and their collective “rights””responsibilities”, and understanding of the fact that SAINTS is your home, and although it is a sanctuary, it is your private residence, too.

    I’ve always said that rescue is a vicious game, where people will eat their own.

    Shalom, my friend……you have far more supporters than critics . Critics just have bigger mouths.

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