it was a tough night

Posted: December 30, 2008 at 7:53 am

chyna was all shivery and pathetic looking with this weak little moist sounding cough. i had to keep wrapping her in extra fleeces and heating the magic bags up for her to keep her warm.

combine this with a raging sinus headache that made my head explode every time i had to bend down (and you bend down alot around here…picking up dogs, cats, poop, turning dogs, changing their beds and reaching down to give them their meds.) i couldn’t take anything til after 9 pm cuz i was still on call for work….that sucked.

when i went to bed last night, i lay there thinking about that always hovering question…how much is this all about me? and i know realistically it is about me too because i am their primary caregiver. so i started thinking, what would i do if i could just decide things on how they worked best for me?

well, honestly?…i’d want to nuke 38 of the animals here. that is my list of saintly ones who suck out more than their fair reasonable share of work, of worry, of resources, of care…some of the ones on this list i love deeply. but if i think with my head about what would work better for me…we would be 38 less.

unfortunately, none of the 38 would agree at this moment in time so they win…the game is not over til they call it quits.

i was also thinking that part of the trouble with folks not getting what saints really means is…to some degree the blog. because it is basically a diary of daily thoughts and events…it is pretty much always written in the thick of things. i write when i am worried, i write when i am mad, i write when i am frightened and sad. i write when i think something is funny or touching and i try really hard to write accurately what is really happening here.

and it changes constantly…spritely is in horrible pain, her leg is a mess, the vets are coming to put her down…ooops her pain is resolving, she is starting to weight bear, the appointment is cancelled…jeezus freaking christ spritely, quit running around!!!!

crises after crises, resolution after resolution, a miracle tossed in here and there and then, boom…no miracle appears…jesse’s leg fractures within a couple of days of warning and in the blink of an eye, the queen has gone away.

we fight off the inevitable for oka for months, he plays with his freaking logs and destroys 5 gallon water containers and slowly starts losing weight til one day he can’t get up on his own and on the day he finally lets go, he still wants to play with his ball.

dexter died shopping the shelves, looking for treats because fly season arrived and his open and draining tumour was ripe for maggots to breed. i didn’t want him to die because of gross little maggots would soon be living on him, i wanted him to die because he said he was done.

i rarely get what i want around here, i am lucky if i can find a spot in my own bed. but this place for me is that this place is where everything is about them.

i am anal about the staff’s working hours…i want all of the basic animal care/.cleaning done by 12:30 so for the next four and a half hours both staff persons have time for doing individual animal things…they get run in the fields, brushed, bathed, cuddled, taken to the vet and groomers. they get treats, played with, one on one time and extra project jobs to make their lives better. we could realistically cut our weekly wages by half if we just cared about providing basic standards of care.

i know i don’t have to justify, but i do feel the need to explain…saints isn’t just about what is read on the blog…not even i can write down every single detail and thoughtful consideration that goes into life here each day. for me it is a mission to provide the absolute best that we can to each of them every day.

and everyone is right, you just can’t see that thru this blog, you have to live it here.

don’t bother calling the number that nicole posted…i haven’t gotten around to fixing the land line yet…if you want to come, send me an email or call my cell (339-5144)….saints is open with no closed doors to tours and visits with a pre-arranged date and time (and a reminder the day before cuz i usually forget anyway.)

2 Comments on "it was a tough night"

  • Hi Carol;

    Did not read the blog yesterday as very tired and really busy. Hopte Chyna is ok. and everone else!! I will be down to take the recycle and to catch up on all the charts. Thanks for the updates. If you are at work when I get there I will get my stuff done and talk to you later. The guys here are going to do some shovelling so I can get out as they graded and blocked the driveways!! Bye for now Eva

  • Charlotte says

    Carol, I’ve often wondered why you torture yourself so, let other people’s opinions get to you. I’ve always thought – if they don’t like what you say on the blog, they don’t have to read it. If they don’t approve of how you care for the animals, they can open their own rescue, do it their way, and take some of the heat off of you. Why get so cranked up about people who have no clue as to what you’re doing there?

    It finally occurred to me today (guess I’m a little slow) that in your situation, depending on donations & such for your very existence, you HAVE to worry about the opinions of others. You HAVE to defend yourself and your actions. You really CAN’T allow outsiders to spread rumors, cause doubts, etc., because the ripple effect can harm your ability to do all the amazing things you do.

    Like most everyone else, I think what you do is unbelievable. Anyone who’s ever cared for even one, let alone 100, aging, sick or debilitated animals knows how hard it is. But they also know that animals have good days and bad days, and you really DO know when an animal is truly Done. May you, your staff, and all the Saints have a successful, healthy, happy New Year.

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