oh shit…sorry

Posted: September 25, 2012 at 6:50 pm

lol…i went into the draft bin to delete the posts that never got published cuz i never finished them or i thought they were lost but they were really in the daft bin. anyway, i went into delete that stuff except it wasn’t the draft bin, i was in the post bin and i accidently deleted the last couple of posts.
if you already read them, it doesn’t matter and if you didn’t… they weren’t that interesting anyway.

for the recent updates…
tess is better today.

abbey is up on her feet with help, no longer seizuring but still a bit sedated.

the new baby rescued chick is doing pretty well.

nugget has made the transition to the outside chicken area with crosby and loretta and seems to be settling in fairly good.

the rock is (barely) holding his own..but he is holding his own.

bitchy babette has the opportunity NOT to be in her cage but she is mostly hanging out in her cage anyway i think because she is basically uncooperative.

chloe has also been set loose…she is in hiding whenever we are around. but i have surprized her out and hanging around with the other cats before she darts back under something so i think she will do fine……once she knows for 100% sure that we are not going to mess around bugging with her.

flora is doing not badly considering her kidneys are toast, i religously make sure every night she gets her souped up food and she is better than the rock for consistently diving in to it.

pokey is pretty much settled now, i think i will soon move him up to the suite,,,but first i have to make sure i have the time to hang out with him. i need a few less worrisome ones before i make that change.

mya is now confined in a wire crate when no one is here…she went after abbey the other day after i left for work but before the staff arrived..(no major damage, just a slight nick above abbey’s eye.) she is handling the crating pretty well. in fact right now with the door wide open, she has chosen it again for her bed. i am glad she is ok with it, because she really has not left us any other choice…she cannot be trusted with the other dogs unless she is supervised.

pete popped into my mind fairly frequently today…and i was happy when he did that it was the healthy, busy body pete of old.

i know that folks sometimes think that for some reason i don’t feel the losses as much as other people do…probably because making these decisions so frequently may seem to dull the emotions that come along with loss. plus i generally keep any tears that i shed well in check until i am alone.

but i want to try to explain this so that folks can understand. i have a unique relationship with all of the animals at saints…from the dogs to the bunnies to the chickens and budgies..even to interloping ravens who decide to move in all on their own. i even have a relationship with the rats here..i am aware not only aware of the daily existence of every animal here but i am well aware of how much they truly value life.
and i have to sometimes make hard decisons…not decisions i want to make, but decisions that i have to make..for safety, for quality of life…for individuals and the group as a whole.

the palliative animals are the easier for me..i use the same quality of life tools as i use for humans. there are guidelines that help us determine the probable timeline left in natural life. usually when downward changes are happening over months, then usually there are still months left of life, and when they progress to deterioration over weeks, there are generally only weeks left. once the negative changes progress to daily, then time is quite short with only days left. knowing this helps me to make the decision on when it is time.

animals who are suddenly acutely ill facing a life threatening event are far more difficult for me…can we pull them thru this event to have a good quality of life for awhile longer? i always struggle really hard with this one. i generally base my decision of their quality of life immediately before the event..if it was good then the chances are equally good we might be able to bring them back.

animals who pose a significant health or safety risk to others are the hardest for me…could be dogs who are out and out dangerous or the sex crazy rodents bent on repopulating the world. these animals i have to sometimes end the lives of just to keep everyone else safe and well.
and i absolutely hate it, the taking of a valued and vibrant lfe.

i make decisons for these animals with my gut and my head. every single decision i make, i am absolutely 100% dedicated to trying to do what is best. whatever my heart wants to do gets put away cuz my heart does not want any of them to die.

all of them at some point are going to end their lives. every single one of them who make this their forever home is going to leave here and leave me behind….and most will be because of the decisions i make in trying to do right.

and i share this one thing in common with all of them..this is my home and this is their home and every single day..we share it together.

the animals are so lucky to have more than just me to love them. but my love and care and committment to and for them does not diminish because there are other people involved in their lives.

every single animal here knows that i am here 365 days a year for as many years as they are here, they all see me every single day. and when i make the decisions to end their lives..i continue to carry them forever inside.

my loss is the loss of someone who was 100% committed to them…in every cell and fibre…. and my committment included not just caring for them in life but doing the very best i can possibly do for them at the very end of their life.

i will be honest here…sometimes i feel discounted in the feelings department. the only difference between me and everyone else here is..most folks just carry in their hearts the animals in their favored or familar areas..the ones that they know the best and they feel the loss of those animals greatly.

i feel the loss of every animal here, including the rats whose numbers i am forced to control. and i am the one who right or wrong carries the burden of those decisions on top of my personal and connected feelings for all.

i am not heartless..i am not unfeeling. i do not view any death of any animal living within my gates as a minor or inconsequential event but i do understand the eventuality and sometimes necessity of death. and i am also not immune to the tragedies of life and the profound sadness and sometimes unfairness of death or of the feelings of emptiness and loss when a well loved friend passes away..i have just learned how to live with it all.

9 Comments on "oh shit…sorry"

  • Penny says

    How is O’Grady doing, Carol? Marta & I are worried about him. Guess there’s no magic way for any of us to stop worrying about the animals, even during the week when we’re not at Saints.

  • lynne says

    i did realize after pete died we all said sorry to the barn folk, and what you just said i realized it when i read all the posts that no one had said i am so sorry carol. for what it is worth i did add another comment which read something like and sorry to carol the best barn person of all. i do think we all realize that every animal that passes in your care that it is as profound as all the ones before and i do not envy your having to deal with it all the time. i do admire and respect your commitment to the animals and it has to be so hard having your heart ripped out time and time again. i think i can safely speak for everyone in telling you we are all thinking of you first and foremost but dont always express it but it is there.

  • erin says

    why are you moving pokey up to the suite? why cant he come in the house? hes sure friendly now….

  • janice says

    Good post Carol and its a “give in” that everyone knows or should know what you have sacrificed(as far as a normal life goes to give) everything to those who needed you to be there..the animals – our kindred spirits who want simply what we want.. love and home. Good food is always awesome too.

    I’m sorry i don’t now if her name is Bess but she is the hound dog who only arrived a few short days ago yet is at ease with her surroundings and projects “life is good and i am happy”. She looks up at me like an old freind with a waggy tail. Every time i loose one they take a peice of my heart with them and i fall to peices just like anybody else. Having to be there for the others doesn’t mean it is easy to say goodbye. For us it means we can’t afford to dwell on the loss because there is someone right now in this world who needs us to be there for them right now.

  • Carol says

    thank you lynne..i did see your comment. but it wasn’t this particular loss only. it is sometimes the almost universal assumption that others actually care more about individual animals here then i do…in life or in death.

    o’grady is fine penny..he has a couple of small and so far slow growing tumors. i don’t expect that they will bother him too much for awhile yet. he is still actively enjoying his life.
    i will caution everyone tho to leave those tumors alone..if they are mast cell tumors and get stimulated with resulting histamine release, they can suddenly grow alarmingly quickly. the rule with external tumors is…if you aren’t going to surgically remove them, don’t be poking at them…leave them well alone.

  • Carol says

    pokey has a long history of absolute loathing for all other non human creatures..he is kind of like frodo in that regard and at 19 yrs old, i don’t want the rest of his life to be in a cage…i want him to at least have a comfy stuffy recliner and a chance to watch planet of the apes.

    you probably understand this better than anyone janice…you live it too.

  • Maggie says

    Carol, I’d appreciate a call regarding Rumple.
    Thanks

  • Debra says

    So sad to hear The Rock is not doing so well. On Saturday he sure wasn’t his usual cuddly self with me. Hoping he hangs in for awhile, especially for my next shift.
    Pokey is so sweet and social with people. I was in with him for a good 20 min on Sat. When I went to put him back on the post he got angry, so i sat longer with him. Tried again and he bit me. Didn’t hurt, but sure is infected and swollen. Too bad to see him up in the suite, as he is social. But being in a cage isn’t so fun either.

    Yeah for Babette, Hope she gets better……… eventually.

  • Curt says

    I really liked this post (brought tears to my eyes as I thought of my recent loss)as it reminds me of the decisions Carol makes and how she feels about them.I don’t envy the decisions you have to make Carol

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