can’t sleep..too much shit going around and around in my head.

Posted: April 3, 2013 at 11:23 pm

i come from a socially conscious achievement driven family. my parents both had masters degrees..my mother dedicated her life to advocating for respectful care of the elderly, my father besides being a religous leader was also a civic leader. he was part of the civil rights movement… he walked in selma, the anti-war vietnam movement and walked in washington to stop the bombing of hanoi harbor. he also was part of the ordination of woman in the anglican priesthood.
one sister has a degree from prestigous cornell university, is a cardiac nurse and takes absolutely stunning, professional grade photos, one sister is a very accomplished artist, is a university professor with a PHD in education and is about as enviromentally green as can be and i am not even sure what my brother actually does..i just know he is a high up big wig in something to do with water and sustainability.

i come from highly educated, intelligent, socially, morally, artistically, enviromentally, politically, civic conscious family. it is a lot to live up to.

i am sort of the runt of the litter.

i know all of the things that i should be out there doing. i know all of the things that i personally should be changing. i know there is a whole big problem-ridden world out there that i am virtually ignoring.

i am not my family…i am not the least bit creative. i know pretty much diddly squat about politics and philosophy. i don’t understand the intricasies of sustainability, of accountability, while protecting the environment for future generations…shit..i don’t read newspapers or even watch the news on TV so i never know what is going on in the world around me.

i live a small life. i share my home with homeless animals. i work full time as a nurse. i squeeze in as much family time as i can between caring for animals and humans.

but i don’t see myself as insignificant, nor is this life i have chosen, easy. i have sacrificed a lot. i can’t even invite my family to my home and cook them all a sunday dinner. i can’t fit a table and chairs in here, my stove is unplugged because the cats made it a fire hazard, and my home is overcrowded and unsafe for my very small grandchildren because i have biting dogs like odie, phoebe, jerry, and jesse here.

every cent i could borrow to purchase the animals a home has left me with a crippling mortgage of $2300 a month on my one single income until i am 67 years old…this makes retirement difficult. i have been bitten, and run over, and worked into exhaustion. i have been vilified, burned in effigy, thought to be crazy.i have been saint, devil, and incredibly stupid all in the very same day depending on who was judging me.

whatever.

i am not whining here..i accept all of this as part of rescue. and what i do here..i mostly do quite well. so maybe it won’t ever hit the history books, maybe it won’t ever change something horrifically wrong in this world. maybe it is just not good enough for everyone..maybe i should and could be doing more.

but i am going to be honest here. every single day is a struggle to be the best that i can. being even the runt of my litter is hard for me…i have to work at doing good. i am not like so many others out there who know not only all of the right answers but can actually get to where they want to be. i am not sure how to get anywhere except to a bed and home and barn full of unwanted wrecked animals. i can find my way here without any problem.

i get that people have expectations of me..i have expectations of me too. but i have a hard time being me, i want to do more, i want to be better, i want to grow bigger..i want it all.

and the reality is…i am not ready. whatever it is that i need, whatever it is that i have to grow in myself to get there..just isn’t here yet.

in the meantime, i will do my best with the animals here, i will do my best with the human patients under my care, i will do my best in any way i can for my family and one day..maybe one day i will be ready to do more.

i am not ashamed or unhappy or afraid of my limitations.i am not hugely disappointed in my life. i am pretty accepting of the reality that i am in fact an imperfect human. i do some pretty good work, i make daily life better for many animals and humans alike. ok so i am not doing it all but i ain’t sitting on my ass watching soap operas and eating chocolates either.

but right now i feel unsettled inside….that is what happens when the big wide and complicated world comes slamming into my little and much simpler world…it knocks me off balance.
i don’t like that…i need all of the balance i can get. it is the only way i can get thru the day.

14 Comments on "can’t sleep..too much shit going around and around in my head."

  • Bunny Horne says

    Runt of the litter, eh. Lots of people prefer the runt of the litter when acquiring pets. Not that you are our pet… I am the black sheep of the family – everything was a challenge, had to work extra hard to get a single thing in my life – everyone else in my family (except my dad) seemed to be blessed with brains, exceptional looks, etc…. Very few challenges in their lives. Guess what, everything came so easily to them in their early life that they didn’t know how to work – period – they pissed their lives and talents away and most have passed on having accomplished very little. I have friends who bitch and complain that they don’t have a passion and are jealous of anyone that does.
    You, Carol – Runt of the Litter – accomplish more in a week than many people do in their life. You live your passion every minute of every day. Sadly living your passion seldom reflects in one’s bank account – but trust me; you are richer in the things that truly matter than many people.

  • suzanne says

    “maybe it won’t ever change something horrifically wrong in this world…”
    In point of fact you change something that is “horrifically wrong” for each and every animal who is fortunate enough to come to you.
    It is neither difficult nor heartbreaking to choose recycled toilet paper in the supermarket. It is both difficult and heartbreaking to do what you do. And what you do requires tremendous levels of strength and committment.
    The SAINTS are all waiting for you at the bridge, Carol. And when you eventually get there (as we all will) and you see hundreds of lucky souls waiting for you, you will realise just how “big” your life is/has been.

  • Caylee says

    Your “small life” is making a huge impact on countless others. Sometimes people can’t see all the good in what you are able to achieve every hour of every day. I wish those that can’t could just keep on their way and not try to disrupt your world. Take care. Hope you find your balance soon.

  • Fiona says

    It’s so true that many people never find their passion and those that do are very fortunate. You make such a difference in many lives and if everyone on the planet picked one way to help this world there would be few issues. It is very heartbreaking to do what you do but you help out so many animals in need and give them a caring, loving home. You DO make a difference!

  • Michelle says

    You are a ROCK Carol, you are amazing, what you do is absolutely remarkable and for those that throw comments about so easily only need to do so to pump themselves up. And for anyone out there who thinks otherwise, SHAME on YOU!

  • Penny says

    Carol, I think you have accomplished just as much as the rest of your family, just in a different way. Everyone marches to their own drummer, and the paths your family took are not for you. I hope you realize how well-known and well-respected Saints is. Not just locally. Many of your blog-readers seem to be from other points in Canada and even the U.S. More often than not, when I mention to people that I volunteer at Saints, they already know about it. I’m proud to be a volunteer there and to be associated with you. Bet your family members couldn’t even begin to do what you do!! You do a whole lot more to ease suffering in this crazy world than the average person. You should be very proud of yourself and what you’ve accomplished. Not just Saints, but your nursing career and your lovely children and grandchildren.

  • Leila says

    “every single day is a struggle to be the best that i can. being even the runt of my litter is hard for me…i have to work at doing good”.

    Maybe I am totally wrong Carol, but I believe good people work at being good. If it comes easily, I would question whether or not “good work” is the actual goal. You may view yourself as the runt of the litter in your family, but when I look at the list of accomplishments/talents your family has achieved, I think you fit in brilliantly.

  • Cathy says

    Me thinks perhaps you are thinking too much. I am somewhat curious to know why your stove is unplugged. How in the world did the cats make it a fire hazard and cannot the situation be fixed.

  • Carol says

    cuz the little bastards pissed on it so much it made all of the wires inside sticky..oh and when they are on it they turn on the burner knobs..oh and we not so bright humans were putting nice comfy flammable beds on the stove for them to sleep on..hence we unplugged it so we did not one day go up in flames from something that had just about everything to do with those stove pissing cats.

    i am reduced to meal prep in a toaster oven, crockpot and microwave…it does sort of suck.

  • Cathy says

    Wow how do these cats get behind the stove as it is right up against a wall. Clearly a stove top is not a bed. Bad kitties but they must be somewhat acrobatic. What about a scat mat or whatever it is called which might deter them from jumping on it and after awhile they might get the message. It would be a lot nicer if you could use your oven.

  • suzanne says

    I’m in for $50.00 to buy Carol one of those induction cook-tops where you can put your hand on it when it’s on and not get burned… no kitties looking like the one under the tree in Griswold’s Family Christmas or whatever the name of that movie was.

  • Carol says

    they do their damage from the top of the stove cathy..it runs down thru the burners.
    unfortunately scat mats et el won’t work..why you ask? well..our cats are allowed on top of counters, fridges and stoves. some even take it so far to take up shop inside the cupboards. our cats do not have rules (except for the ones that they make themselves.) it is one of the perks of having to be homeless..i let them own the entire world…it helps them feel good.

    i have no idea what that is suzanne..kind of ignorant on whats new in the kitchen world but i will look it up on line later tonight after i get home from work.

  • Tammy says

    “i am sort of the runt of the litter”

    My Ripley was the runt of the litter, I think that is what drew him to me.
    The thing about runts is they seem to grow up to be the strongest and most amazing creatures you can imagine.
    Their abilities always take my breath away.

  • Marisa says

    Long live the runts!!!

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