packer goes home

Posted: January 7, 2008 at 6:56 am

i just got back from dropping off packer and karen at the airport. i started to cry on the way home. not because i was sad about losing packer, not because i know how very difficult these next few hours and days are going to be for a blind little crippled beagle as he learns to adjust to his new and much improved life.

i was crying for me. i am so tired of being mad or sad or frightened. i am so tired of trying so hard to do this and falling so short every day. i am so tired of the utter hopelessness and sadness of senior and incontinent animals ever finding anything better than saints.

stan and dave from turtle gardens stopped in for a visit and a tour yesterday, they were making one of their weekly brutal 48 hour trips to bring a bunch of northern dogs down south to their new homes. and i saw the very same thing in them. the hurt and the defeat that comes from giving every ounce that you can and knowing that will never be enough and still trying…always trying to just be enough. and then when you start getting the shit kicked out of you because for all that you try, you just can’t be what you always need to be.

there is no way any of us that have given up everything, every resemblence to normal or sane, can ever, ever succeed in rescue. there are too many of them and too few of us. every single time we try to keep to our limits, someone, somewhere is going to die. and really it should have been packer. saints was the absolute wrong place for a crippled and blind little beagle without a home. and do i feel good about the fact that i protected him and kept him safe til karen found him? honestly? no. i just feel guilty and sad that he ever even had to come here.

what is the answer? what are we all supposed to do? how do we as the rescuers stop the darkness and fear that overwhelms us while we do what we do?

today i just want to stop. i don’t want to hurt anymore every day. i don’t want to be crying in the early morning darkness on a twisty, winding road that scares the shit out of me.

i will be off line now for an undetermined amount of time…that worm is still going crazy and i will have to take my computer in somewhere today to get it out.

please whoever, when i come back again, wipe away all my anger and fear cuz i do not want to live like this anymore, i don;t want to be insane.

9 Comments on "packer goes home"

  • Elaine says

    Carol I wish and pray there is something I could do to make it a little easier for you. you have taken on too much. Just a few of us at Saints know how hard and long hrs you put in there. Negleting your health also no sleep and eating whenever. No wonder you are down. People should be lifting you up not tearing you down. You are intitled to make an error. You are only human. So people try and walk in Carols shoes a week and see how you make out Bet you will fail. Take care Carol a lot of us love you.

  • tina says

    I am so sorry you are hurting Carol. People are a&*^holes….

  • jan says

    as Edward Everett Hale wrote :
    I am only one. But still,i am one.
    I cannot do everything,but still i can do something.
    And because i cannot do everything,i will not refuse to do the something i can do.
    {{ Hugs }} to you Carol.

  • Faith says

    I respect your honesty and integrity Carol. You are doing what’s in your heart and that’s a very good thing.

  • wendy says

    Aw Carol; does it help that my family thinks your sanctuary is a near perfect heaven? Cuz without your intervention; 3 toed skeeter the min-pin puppy would have never joined dad’s other min pin, he would have met the deadly shot…and what a great loss that would have been. I have never met anybody as genuine or as truly kind hearted as you and doubt I ever will. I wish there were more of the get down in dregs people like you in the world as there is far too many armchair jockeys who know all.Hugs.

  • Zoe says

    Carol the work that you do is immeasurable, safe to say near profound.
    First and foremost, I know that Packer will love his new mum and home because he’s that kind of special dog. ( Even though I wish the new home was closer!)
    In my eyes, SAINTS IS the best place for so many animals, for as we all know, a lot of individuals are not able to care for these animals in the way they need. At SAINTS, they get pizza nights, doughnuts, free roaming territory, coddling from a team of wicked volunteers, and the promise that they will not be discriminated against or treated badly because of their age, diseases, or physical afflictions.
    I hate to stir the pot, but I wish that this ” group of people” would understand this. The fact that a place like SAINTS exists is miraculous, and the fact that Carol facilitates it twenty four seven out of the goodness of her heart is even more so. Rescue IS about animals, and that is why SAINTS rises above: it is about animals, about giving love and compassion to a group of animals that deserve just as much as another creature.

  • jessie says

    Dearest Carol….Hang in there baby……Expect the best!! Do not let them mow you down….Realize that the humans who trouble you, are themselves so wounded that they are paralyzed and cannot comprehend the dedicated and loving spirit that you are . Each and every spirit that you rescue is part of me….part of you….they are our brothers and sisters and you are helping to heal humanity through your unselfish acts of kindness.Stay strong and chart your course because the “BIG KAHUNA” is watching and you can be sure that the TRUTH WILL PREVAIL!!!Remember the law of one ….What I do for/to you, I do unto myself….Do unto others….Welll….What goes around comes around..right?.. So get ready cause things are gonna change…. Your noble spirit is shining in eternity!!!Keep your sights high and your nose to the wind and maybe those wounded spirits will be given the grace to catch up …Jessie

  • Hi Carol,

    I’m so sorry you are having such a hard time with everything. I really do wish we could all just get along in rescue (I know, I know, a pipe dream). I’m just such a dreamer, hate conflict and don’t understand why everyone can’t accept their differences and just see we are all here to help the animals.

    I wish I would have known Stan was coming down as I would have loved to have brought Penny out for him to see. She is doing so well and I’m sure he would have loved to see her. If he is ever planning to stop by again please let me know because if Penny is still with me (knock on wood she has gone to a wonderful home) I would love to bring her by and say HI!

  • carol says

    posting from work…thx everyone for your kindness. i am getting things back in perspective.
    saints was totally breath taking this morning, sleepy contented animals and a fresh and pure white covering of snow…(plus very little pee and poop too!)…i remember why i love it there so much, it is because they make the place so beautiful.
    chantelle…i believe stan will be back south around the middle of the month but check with TG to make sure.
    i think we have decided to purchase a laptop as a backup so i might have access to a computer by this weekend which will be a very good thing because i will be off work for the next couple of weeks and won’t be able to check in here.

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